I have a motto for June 2023: be smart, be sexy, and most of all, have fun. Why the motto? Well, I’ve been busy understanding “my pull” lately — which is a fancy way of saying that I’ve been dating. And contrary to past experiences, I’ve actually been having a lot of fun so far. But it’s too early to mention anyone by name.

The thing that makes dating lately different from the past is that I actually have a goal to get into a relationship by the end of the year. I’ve been telling people that the timeline is like Q3/Q4 of this year lol. It’s a self-imposed goal for sure, but I just feel something in my gut that it could seriously happen. And it could be unfolding right before my very eyes.

So where does this playlist come in? Well I’m not in a relationship state of mind yet. I’m in this weird transition period emotionally where in my heart of hearts, I want to evaluate all my options (including staying single) because I’m tempted to get attached quickly, as my history has shown. Instead of listening to songs about pining after someone, I’m gonna listen to songs that empower my freedom AND empower me to shift the perspective of seeing myself as a subject of romance. This playlist soundtracks everything from the way I currently feel to the way I want someone to think about me and make me feel. In other words, these are the songs I want to be playing when I walk into a room these days.

Although I know my boundaries and communication skills will be tested in this season, I’m choosing to practice grace for myself and stand my ground by using all the tools I’ve learned about healthily prioritizing myself when dating. It’s a new challenge for sure, but I’ve truly come to a point where I know I deserve good love and I’m not gonna deceive myself into sacrificing my boundaries because of the uncertainty of how someone might feel about me. Ya know, like I used to.

I want desperately to feel safe enough to let all the walls come down in a relationship and maybe we’ll get into that soon with another playlist. But for now, let me fantasize about what it might feel like to be enveloped in love when the walls come down. I‘ve never felt fully safe to do that, so this is me daydreaming about a healthy relationship? Idk, I feel weird even waxing poetic about any of this because it’s all so new.

Highlights

Pretty Girl Era by LU KALA

“Just like heaven, I’m a blessing, you gon’ have to pray for it…”

This song is EVERYTHING for me right now. It’s exactly the confidence I’m strutting with these days. I know I’m in my pretty girl era because I just feel a little more comfortable in my skin these days. My little morning walks, the way I’m listening to my body these days, investing in my friendships, diversifying my social situations, leveling up at work, finding new ways to connect with my family — I’ve got a full life! Anyone who wants to be part of what I’ve got going on needs to understand that I am in this era.

The Glamorous Life by Sheila E.

“Love is heaven sent, it’s glamorous…”

I’ve known this song for a really long time, but lately it’s been hitting differently. It’s as if I finally understood what the lyrics were talking about. And I gotta say, it describes my attitude towards love these days. I don’t need a man, but it would be nice to have a partner to be a power couple with. That’s what Sheila E. and Prince are describing here. There’s an assertion that this woman can stand on her own, but there’s a fear of real love. Yuuuup. Also, all I’ve ever wanted is a glamorous life with a partner…literally that’s what my Barbie stories were all about when I was a kid.

motive by Ariana Grande ft. Doja Cat

“But before I lead you on, baby, tell me, what’s your motive?

As I told a new romantic friend, in this season, I’m not looking to waste time…but I’m also looking to waste time. What I mean by that is that I’m not in the mood to date random people I have no compatibility with. But — I want to take my time getting to know someone I see compatibility with. The key to doing that successfully is being upfront about our motives. Honestly speaking, I’m constantly checking myself on it these days because I sense there’s a side of me that really wants to cause chaos out of past hurt if things go south. And I know that’s not healthy or like me at all. That said, because I know from experience that guys are out there with unclear motives, I’m taking a cue from Ari and not only sussing out their motives, but not being afraid to “call bullshit out from a mile away”.

Miracle by Jonas Brothers

“Demons better watch out, angel on the clock now, heaven let the rain drop down…”

Now that I’ve explained where I’m coming from, let me explain where I’d like to be. First of all, the Jonas Brothers were NOT PLAYING when they decided to kick off The Album with this banger. Second of all, whereas in the past I wanted to be viewed as a sort of untouchable muse in a relationship, I’ve upgraded my line of thinking to desire being seen as a miracle. My ego loves admitting that lol. But really, y’all I’m a catch and wouldn’t it be wild if someone thought of me as a miracle? Don’t worry, I know it’s ultimately unhealthy to put myself or anyone on a pedestal but for someone to be caught up in the passion of being with me to say something like that would be new to me. Also, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Jonas Brothers know what they’re talking about when they sing about loving someone, so I implore my future love interests to listen, learn it, and love it. Because everything you need to know about how to appeal to me is in their songs.

Say Yes to Heaven by Lana Del Rey

“If you dance, I’ll dance. And if you don’t, I’ll dance anyway. Give peace a chance, let the fear you have fall away…”

Now, I’ve never really been a Lana girlie. But occasionally, I find a real gem in her discography. Her newest song feels like it’s speaking to me directly. You might’ve noticed that I’ve chosen songs on this playlist that reference heaven, angels, etc. Part of me has to disclose that we can credit the really great spirituality conversations with my aforementioned new romantic friend for that. But honestly, most of it points to this mental shift I’ve had about what I feel the purpose of relationships are. I used to think relationships were the end all be all — that you basically stop growing when you’re in one. But I’ve come to know that’s not it. Now I find myself thinking that relationships are tools to push me to grow and there’s heaven to be found in that. It makes me rely more on my relationship with God and the Holy Spirit when I have something to talk about, ya know.

Love Again by Dua Lipa

“Used to be afraid of love, and what it might do. But goddamn, you got me in love again…”

Now don’t for a second forget about my fear of intimacy. I find myself so brutally aware of all my fears and my heart of stone from my past experiences these days. This song represents what it might feel like to hold that, express that to a partner, and let it go in love. I do not expect to rely on someone to make me let that go. But I realize that me opening a line of communication with a partner about this brings me freedom. The idea of someone wanting to learn how to hold this with me makes me want to fall in love. Scary.

Worth the Wait (ft. Omar Apollo)

“Gotta be careful with my heart because I love deep. Quit tellin’ me you wanna put a baby in me. If your affection for me’s truly only skin-deep. I don’t wanna end up just another broken family…”

This romantic and ethereal song by two of my faves is as explicit as I’ve heard of the tension I have between wanting to explore physical intimacy and why I am choosing to avoid having sex with just anybody. The reason that most weighs heavy on me is the fact that that’s the only relationship advice I ever got from my parents: don’t have kids before you’re ready. Literally this is connected to my family trauma. And because I know the deep damage that comes from that, I’ve gone to an extreme to keep myself safe. It’s not an entirely romantic reason why I want to wait. But it would be romantic if someone were willing to walk with me to unravel the trauma around that, I suppose. That would be worth the wait.

Pure Love by Hayley Williams

“’Cause to let you in is true compromise, not just the friction of our skin…”

I’ve been bopping to this song for like 3 years. Literally the healing period since my last relationship. One of the many mistakes I made in my last relationship was relying on physical intimacy as the only way to connect. Basically once I realized he didn’t offer the compatibility I was looking for, I used him as a way to test my boundaries. It sucks to own up to that, but I can tell that behavior came from an old people pleaser lie I believed. What made this song sticky in the healing process from that is the fact that I forged a tough girl exterior from it. To the point where I got to thinking that I don’t need to let anyone in and all men are just out there to distract and/or hurt me. Partially because I confronted my humanity, but also because if I could barely deal with it, who the hell would be able to handle me at my messiest? I’m not scared of being vulnerable, but I am scared of people seeing me when I don’t have it figured out and I can’t gracefully hide it.

Cure by Valley

“I can be your shoulder to cry on, rely on. I just wanna be your cure. I just wanna be, wanna be yours…”

Speaking of healing from the past, I had to include this adorably brazen song. I recently saw Valley in concert and not only was it a really fun time, but I can’t stop listening to them. I say this song is adorably brazen because I know someone isn’t meant to be my cure, but it’s nice to hear someone express that they deeply want to walk with me as I continue to grow. I heard someone on TikTok talk recently about the way she’s learned about relationship care standards from her friends. And it’s true! I think about how my best friends have given me space to messily process and grow and while I’m not expecting someone to fill the role they play in that, I’m looking for someone with a similar perspective to supplement the way they care for me.

Show Me You Want Me by The Regrettes

“Know what I got and I think you’ll wanna try. So come here and show me all the ways you want me…”

I decided to end this playlist with this song because it’s so brutally honest. I’m scared of being heartbroken, but I also realize that makes me alive. Ever so tenderly, I want to share my time with someone that might want to try to care for me. It’s wild to revisit this song because this time last year, this was the only song on the entire album that wasn’t hitting me. But now it is and the emotional layers to it run so deep. It’s tender, it’s desperate, it’s reflective, it’s the equivalent of taking a leap of faith. I don’t know I’m ready to explore all those dimensions. But I’d like to get there with someone. Some days I think I’m closer than I let myself believe.