To say that Spring was eventful is an understatement. From traveling to watching friends plan and execute weddings to finally channeling some hot girl spring energy into dating, there’s been a lot I haven’t given space to reflect on. So let’s talk about it all as I share the soundtrack for this season.

To wrap up Spring 2023, I’m sharing some of the songs on my playlist and thoughts on new releases from the season. Stick around for the full playlist.

I remember feeling incredibly restless at the end of Winter. I was jetsetting from place to place trying to distract myself from any discomfort I felt when I was at my parents’ house. Thankfully, I found some really great distractions during the springtime. Whether I filled up my schedule going to see some of my favorite bands, played the role of mysterious hot girl at someone’s birthday party, took on a really exciting direction in my role at work, or watched one of my best friends get married, it’s safe to say it was more easy to be present. But I can’t say the same about how I’m heading into the summer. All of a sudden I’m back to my restlessness and I’m struggling to keep my anxiety under control. And it allll goes back to one thing: (say it with me folks) my family trauma. If it weren’t for the songs I’m listening to, I don’t think I’d even be functioning. So let’s dive into the vicious cycle that was Spring 2023.

Highlights

Sunchoke by Aly and AJ

“I should face my shit, I’m uncomfortable as it is…”

If you’ve been here a while, you know that a constant theme in the music I listen to is the idea of running away — especially lately. I’ve been living with my parents since I graduated from college and while I’ve saved a lot of money living in LA, I’m not sure it’s worth the sanity anymore. I find it harder and harder to find peace of mind in my room. These clearly aren’t pandemic days so I’m more able to fill my schedule with things that have me out of the house. So that’s what I’ve been doing. Thankfully I didn’t have to choke the sun since the marine layer in LA did that for me. Summer will be another issue.

Kamikaze by Omar Apollo

“Remember when you let me down…”

Yeah ok, I know I already talked about this one in my post on Omar Apollo. But here’s the thing: I could not talk about Spring 2023 without talking about this song. This song is hypnotizing to me and it truly gives me space to feel my restlessness and how I know it’s coming from a place of anger towards my trauma. It’s really one of my favorites to dissociate to ad I drive around.

i want war (BUT I NEED PEACE) by Kali Uchis

“’Cause I got needs, yeah, I got needs. I want war, but I need peace…”

The wild part about dealing with my restlessness in this season was realizing that the antidote was not me causing more chaos but me slowing down. It’s as if I finally started to understand that spending time in solitude is important to teaching myself boundaries. I definitely dealt with my fair share of anger, especially towards a romantic flame that fizzled out months ago. As much as I wanted to make him regret treating me so poorly, I was reassured that protecting my peace is more worth it.

More Fun To Miss by Daisy Jones and The Six

“You’d be just as fun as a jammed up gun, another shot at just the wrong place and time…”

Speaking of wanting war, I spent a decent amount of time in early spring spiraling about a crush I had on someone I’ve enjoyed playful banter with for some time. I kept thinking through the reality of the situation and kept coming back to the fact that we would not be good in an actual relationship. So as I desperately sorted through my Hinge matches for a distraction, I set this guy in my mind as purely a friend I could playfully tease with nothing serious in mind. And isn’t it just so Daisy Jones-hot girl-esque to channel that energy into a confidence shift?

Want U Around by Omar Apollo ft. Ruel

“Baby, I want you around…”

First of all, this is my blog and I can talk about Omar Apollo how ever much I want to. I literally did not make it through spring without him. ANYWAY, in my Omar Apollo post, I mentioned that I considered this song a makeout jam. And I’m not gonna lie, I was waiting for the right opportunity to use it. So when the time came on a third date with a new person, I had to. Now, don’t get excited here, but that person did inspire the last playlist I posted. There’s a lot of promise with this new person. BUT, 1) it’s been a while since we’ve been on a date, 2) I’m wanting to take the summer to truly live it up and explore all possibilities, and 3) who’s to say that this guy will end up being the one that makes me throw away the roster I’m building? It’s not looking great for him lately, not gonna lie! This shift is all part of my campaign to not take men seriously in my dating life until further notice. That said, I won’t hesitate to use this song with someone else for the time being.

Solo by The Aces

“Call it how it is, I know that I’m hard to deal with…”

This song was blasted in my car just as loud as “Kamikaze” all season. The Aces are so good at capturing the complexities of anxiety in their songs. This one hit me as deep as “Always Get This Way” and “Don’t Freak” in that way. I noticed I was getting anxious about the way my family trauma patterns could manifest in a dating situation. The thought of introducing someone I’m romantically interested in to my family is enough to make me spiral and return to this song for comfort. Anyway, The Aces’ new album is just full of such good songs. I just know it’s gonna continue to soundtrack my summer.

Fake Out by Fall Out Boy

“Love is in the air, I just gotta figure out a window to break out…”

Now…just because I want to causally date around for once doesn’t mean I’m purely doing it out of a place of fun. No, it’s been front of mind that the reason I don’t want to be vulnerable with anyone is the fear that my trauma will find ways to sneak in and destroy any fun I’m having. And it feels like it’s suffocating me. The restlessness I’ve been fighting all spring can be heard in this song. I’m feeling as trapped in my house as I did during the pandemic and this time it’s not in a physical way. Truthfully, I’m starting to feel like I can’t properly heal or move on unless I move out. And I just gotta figure out a window to break out.

Flatline by Joywave and Best Frenz

“Why don’t you hit me on the FaceTime? Together we can watch the smoke rise…”

Thankfully not every song I enjoyed this spring had some painful deeper meaning. This song by Joywave and Best Frenz was a bop I inevitably ended up playing after exhausting my emotional capacity with other songs. In fact, this one was my favorite song to fully dissociate to, especially in LA traffic. Joywave really makes some solid music. I highly recommend you check them out.

CLOSER by Waterparks

“I got my space but what’d I pay? I’ve been fucked so much that I no longer wait. I sabotage and break my own heart just in case…”

Awsten Knight is a fascinating artist. He’s such a troll at times yet can create such a tender heartbreak song about self-sabotage. This song was my standout song on their latest album, although the entire album has really grown on me after seeing them in concert. This song feels like talking to my inner teenager about this crossroads I’m in with relationships. I’m pretty scared of intimacy because of the way a connection can so easily sour. In a way, I feel like out of protection I have no choice but to cut it off before they can even get the chance to hurt me.

Meltdown by Niall Horan

“When it all melts down I’ll be there…”

I was never too big on Niall’s post-One Direction songs. But this song made me change my mind. Like a shining ray of light, this song was the perfect pop song to get me out of the darkness I’ve been fighting. As much as I thought I was doing well spiritually, I’m actually not. I feel like I’m running away from connecting with God again. Yet, this song feels like a reminder that God’s still got me. When things seem to fall apart, it’s as if there’s a reminder that God’s been there all along.

GOOD GIRL ERA (SIDE A) by UPSAHL

“I’m in my good girl era, but I still feel bad…”

If there’s one song my inner teenager feels deeply as her theme song, it’s this one. I never got to truly be rebellious in high school because I was too committed to being the unproblematic golden child. So now, all of a sudden I’m out here dyeing my hair red and making out with guys I don’t really know. I’m finding it hard to let my inner teenager have her moment to explore and let the structure of my good girl life exist peacefully because I feel like they’re in direct conflict. I guess stay tuned if there’s reconciliation of any sort.

Montana Sky by Jonas Brothers

“But it’s all just thunder in the smoke. Seen the world, you’re still the where I want to go…”

This entire album was as full of bops as I had been told. Of all the songs in The Album, this one immediately jumped out as my favorite. It’s got a tinge of the yacht rock sound they leaned into with the classic driving pop rock they make. Joe’s voice in the chorus is just so perfect and every time I sing along it hits the sweet spot in my voice. I can’t wait to hear this one live.

Break for You by Valley

“Give me your broken, give me your burden, all of the hurt you hide away…”

This song broke me when I first heard it. It’s these sweet savior-playing love songs that always seem to hit me deeply. As much as I would love someone to want to sincerely sing this song to me, I wouldn’t trust anyone to mean it. Because in my mind, the only person that could actually deliver on carrying my burdens is God. Why? Because I’ve tried carrying someone’s burdens and let me tell ya, even the purest intentions won’t get you far. And maybe that makes this song hurt just a little bit more. I suppose it would be sweet to think that someone would mean it.

Happy Goodbye by The Never Ending Fall

“All I ever do is wonder why I hurt you…”

My boys from Never Ending Fall dropped this banger of a heartbreak song this spring. I felt very lucky to hear this song live when they played in LA in April. But boy was I naive to think I wouldn’t find some time to relate to it. If you haven’t noticed yet, my family trauma just sort of lives in my head and heart these days. It’s annoying and it hurts and I don’t think my parents understand how deeply it affects me. It’s not something I can just put up with anymore. Truly, all I want is a happy goodbye when I move out eventually.

nevermind by Valley

“I want something that I’ll never find, but I just keep on saying nevermind…”

My best friend Juliette makes fun of me for the way I constantly “bargain with myself”. I suppose it’s my Libra moon, but I’m the type to carefully evaluate something and end up paralyzed, not able to taken action on what’s best for me. So how is that manifesting lately? Um, literally everywhere. It’s in my inability to choose a bridesmaid dress for Eden’s upcoming wedding, it’s in my inability to make a decision on when and if I should move out (even though I really should), and it’s in my inability to commit to the idea of either dating casually or dating with the goal of getting into a long term relationship. So yeah, this catchy song says it all. I really do just keep on saying nevermind.

Albums you gotta listen to: With Love From by Aly and AJ, So Much (For) Stardust by Fall Out Boy, the record by boygenius, dEd by Lights, INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY by Waterparks, The Album by Jonas Brothers, SELF TITLED by little image, A R I Z O N A BY A R I Z O N A, She by Blake Ruby, My Soft Machine by Arlo Parks, I’ve Loved You For So Long by The Aces, The Show by Niall Horan, PARANOÏA ANGELS TRUE LOVE by Christine and the Queens

I’m so tired of being anxious all the time. I was doing a good job of running away from it in the spring but either I gotta run faster and farther or I gotta change some major parts of my life. Thankfully, I have a feeling summer’s about to shake things up. And I get to decide how much I want to let it. So here’s to being present with the best that summer has to offer.