One of the biggest things I learned about myself when I was in therapy from September 2021 to the end of last year was that I can visualize the voices of all my past and idealized selves as a Disney’s Inside Out-style panel.

You may recall I made a playlist for my inner child earlier this year, filled with songs of comfort and encouragement to put aside my people pleaser ways by voicing my needs. Well, I’m in process of unlocking the next level of healing: my inner teenager.

When I talked to my therapist, my inner teenager was referred to as the Rebel. She represents the sides of me that are indignant about the world’s injustices, easily gets irritated by people I don’t vibe with, that wants to cause trouble in my love life on purpose/just for fun, and most of all, wants to create art about embracing all the mess of being a human.

What I realize looking back at my childhood is that I feel like I never truly let myself do any of that. I was a very uptight, by the book teenager: I never went to parties, denounced risk-taking behaviors by my peers, and denied myself of things that I knew would cause others stress, especially my parents. It’s as if teenage me only knew how to be the people pleasing girl that my inner child directed me to be. So what I’m dealing with here is a classic case of late bloomer syndrome.

Lemme tell y’all, it is so weird to think about your teenage self in your late twenties. But somehow, that feels like the perfect time for it: I have money to do things I want to do, I don’t have to answer to anyone about my decisions, I’m allowed myself to make mistakes because I can learn from them, and most of all, it’s as if my inner child understands that this next chapter of healing is for that side of me that never got to exist.

So why am I making a playlist for this now? I need to be reminded of the things my inner teenager thought about and deeply feels. I had a really important conversation with that side of me on the first day of summer last month and it dawned on me just how much I was being called upon to pay attention to her. Because that’s all she ever wanted: to be heard, to be validated, to know that she’s not weird or alone for being how she is. From seriously thinking of moving out of my parents’ house to being adamant about the relationships I invest in to committing to making music and sharing it with others, I’ve realized how all this creates space for my inner teenager and in turn, pushes me to grow.

I designed this playlist to have both songs that aided me as a teenager and songs that have spoken to me after the fact. You’ll notice that it starts out with super palatable pop singer-songwriter songs and then just sort of explodes into some sarcastic rock songs before ending on a bit of a sad note. It’s by design lol.

This playlist really is for a side of me I never got to really sit with. So in a way, this is my chance to sit with her in the sadness, the growing pains, and the rebellious determination to stand out. I have no doubt in my mind that there’s many, many more songs that will continue to speak to my inner teenager because after all, she’s the one that was absorbing music like a sponge. But this is my first attempt at acknowledging that side of me and I can’t wait to learn more.

Highlights

The Show by Lenka

“I’m just a little bit caught in the middle…”

If there was a song that made me even the tiniest bit self-aware as a teenager, it was this song. I was a theatre kid in high school so the the metaphors in this song spoke deeply because I truly was always in a show. I loved how the upbeat nature of this song was juxtaposed in the lyrical confusion of this song. It really soundtracked my teenage years and it’s kind of wild how the quirky pleas to enjoy the ride of life still ring true today. Also, as the middle child in my family…I’m literally always a little bit caught in the middle.

Black Horse by Sarah Kinsley

“But now something in me screams to be wild, to be obscene, to stop playing the first born daughter in your American dream…”

I find endless inspiration from Sarah Kinsley’s music. When I heard this song and sat with the lyrics, it gave voice to the brash, rebellious side of me that never wanted to be the golden child in my family. At my core, I was meant to be an artist. Thankfully, I got the taste for it as a kid. But after high school when the adult priorities took over, I abandoned all those things in favor of proving to my family that I could make money and not only take care of myself, but be reliably there for them. I’ve been feeling like I’ve shut down on my rebellious, artistic teenage self and the times I allow myself somewhat indulge in my art, I don’t let myself commit to it. This song helps give me permission to commit to my self-discovery.

mirrorball by Taylor Swift

“I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try…”

I remember when folklore came out in 2020 and how this song somehow made a beeline for my inner teenager. I hadn’t even started therapy yet but I knew that as much as I liked this song, I could not listen to it without wanting to sob my eyes out every time. Being the golden child growing up, I felt like I could never have a bad day. When my parents or classmates noticed me on my worst days in high school, it made me feel angry and defenseless because I had no energy to explain myself. So I shut down and found myself angry at them for seeing me like that. I feel those memories so vividly these days because since I’ve started therapy, I’ve been like a molting crab: sensitive to the environments I put myself in. I still don’t like people seeing me at a low point. But it’s tough because I do strive to shine like a mirrorball every other day.

Suburban Blues by The Aces

“Nobody knows that I’m dying inside, nobody knows that I’m hating my life…”

First of all, I have to commend The Aces for writing such a beautifully honest song. I continue to be floored by everything they put out. Second of all, I haven’t specifically dealt with discovering a queer identity in a place that doesn’t accept it. But if you have, I hope you receive this song with a deep grace and kindness. My point of connection with this song is how it speaks to the loneliness of figuring out your identity when you don’t feel understood by the people around you. Because of my need to keep up appearances at all times, I ended up feeling like I never got to truly know myself so I couldn’t even explore the whole of me. I ended up crying to this song as I drove around my neighborhood recently because that feeling felt so much stronger as I realized all I needed to do to prioritize my inner teenager leading me down this new path of growth.

I Am My Own Muse by Fall Out Boy

“Smash all the guitars ’til we see all the stars. Oh, got to throw this year away, we got to throw this year away like a bad luck charm…”

This song marks the part in the playlist where my female teenage rage starts. What I love about this song is that it’s so dramatic and makes space for the complicated feelings of wanting to keep it together vs. letting go completely. That’s really a perfect illustration of the tension I feel these days. There are days where I’m torn between wanting to keep being the palatable, put together versions of me that the actual teenage me built and wanting to live out of what my teenage self never got to be, which definitely conflicts with that old people-pleaser version of me.

Your Age by Rina Sawayama

“Not a weakness, not a failure, not a savior, oh no…”

This song makes me so lucidly aware of my anger about my family trauma and it lets me express it. I saw Rina Sawayama in concert last fall and when she played this song, it was one of the most cathartic moments to scream the words to this song. A big mind trip of healing your inner child and inner teenager is how much of the shit can be attributed to family/generational trauma. At times it feels like you’re just a big ball of trauma. But the healing part of that is realizing that you’re so much more than that.

Read My Mind by The Killers

“I never really gave up on breaking out of the two star town…”

I’ve been meaning to do a full album deep dive on Sam’s Town by The Killers. This album is one of my favorite albums of all time because it reminds me of the restlessness I dealt with as a teenager. Like many of the rock songs I inherited from my sister, this song stood out as the soundtrack to me wanting to prove myself outside of my family and where I grew up. I remember feeling my natural teenage rebelliousness when I listened to this song growing up.

Desperado by The Eagles

“And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’. Your prison is walking through this world all alone…”

First of all, incredibly wild of me to go to this one after Gone Girl by SZA in the playlist. It is a painful transition. Second of all, I exclusively listened to classic rock as a teenager because I thought it made me cool. But as I sat in these timeless and masterfully crafted songs, I realized I wasn’t alone in my want for connection through my growing pains. This one specifically hurts because I sought running away as a defense mechanism. It’s as if I knew that though I craved wanting to be loved and understood, I was terrified of anyone seeing past the mask I had crafted. So I would either run away and isolate myself or shut down and pretend there wasn’t a problem. Trying to get rid of those coping mechanisms has been really hard.

never been in love by Gatlin

“And I fucking hate that I couldn’t make it past the crush. When I’ve felt the pain that comes with the break. But I couldn’t say you were the one. I’ve never been in love…”

I’ve been in too many unrequited love situations to count. It’s really all I know. And it really all started in my teenage years. The big thing I’ve realized about those unrequited love situations is that I truly only sat in limerence. I was never ready to love then because what I actually craved was the fantasy and feeling of being in love. I recently heard the advice that a crush is just a lack of information and nothing’s stopped me in my tracks like that. I realize that my incessant crushes came as a welcome distraction from my lack of attention. To this day, I have to fight my tendency to fall in love with the idea of someone. I still wonder what it’s like being in love though. Maybe I’ll find that out one day.

hoax by Taylor Swift

“Your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in…”

I vividly remember the day I saw that my parents never had a relationship. It was the summer before my freshman year of college. I had thought up to that point that I had a normal childhood with parents that loved each other. But when I saw the faulty seams of it all, it felt like my entire childhood was an illusion. I fell into an identity crisis as soon as I got to college because of it. It’s as if I finally realized where my self-esteem demons had come from. And it was scary to begin to unravel like that. But it was the first painful step of healing to become aware of the reality. This song captures that deep, deep sadness that teenage me left to college with. It’s like I can still feel the fresh wound with this one.

Storms by Fleetwood Mac

“But never have I been a blue calm sea, I have always been a storm…”

I found a kindred spirit in Stevie Nicks as a teenager. She was whimsical yet wise, feminine yet strong, a woman of many dimensions that I found inspiration from. To hear the depths of emotion in her songs felt like a balm for my deeply emotional heart. I felt so deeply understood then and that’s honestly continued into my adulthood. I’ve never wanted to stop embodying Stevie in everything I do and it honestly brings my inner teenager peace to sit with her music. I know internally I’ve always been a storm. But my inner teenager says that’s what makes me a fascinating and beautiful woman who is deserving of her own grace.

(Coffee’s For Closers) by Fall Out Boy

“I want everything to change and stay the same. Oh time doesn’t care about anyone or anything…”

The last time I was this obsessed with Fall Out Boy was Summer 2017. And I like to think that summer was a precursor to this one in the ways I decided to notice my inner teenager. I mean, I literally got my driver’s license then lol. Another similarity to that time is how the brazen contradictions in Fall Out Boy’s music help me unravel my own paradoxes. It’s by being so unapologetically aware of my shortcomings that I learn to understand myself better and speak more kindly to myself. At first listen, I sense a side of me apprehensive by the chorus chant of “I will never believe in anything again” because it feels so hopeless. But what I hear my inner teenager saying is that this signifies my appropriate need to question things and not blindly believe things at face value. In a way, this season is all about finding out why I believe what I believe. And I know change will come from that.