I’m glad I’m not alone in thinking that this was the furthest thing from a hot girl summer. I went from running away to being stopped in my tracks for the sake of some much needed growing. So let’s talk about it all as I share the soundtrack for this season.

To wrap up Summer 2023, I’m sharing some of the songs on my playlist and thoughts on new releases from the season. Stick around for the full playlist.

Spring left me with a lot to process. I had dated someone I really felt a connection with and as summer crept in, it felt like we both realized we weren’t in a place to be fully there for each other. Personally, I was blind to the fact that I was using dating as a distraction from feeling stuck in more than a few ways. It was on the first day of summer that I heard the voice of my inner teenager break through to tell me that I needed to listen to her for the next phase of growth. So this summer was all about strategizing and taking baby steps towards planning a home for myself, finding a new faith community to grow in, and finally investing in my songwriting. Oh, and dyeing my hair red. I’m really thankful for the clarity I got through these hot and unexpectedly cloudy summer days. But damn, this soundtrack is moody as fuck. So let’s dive into the musical breakthroughs of Summer 2023.

Highlights

Don’t Tell My Mom by Reneé Rapp

“‘Cause she’s dealt with this for years, I got it this time…”

So um, what a way to kick off the first day of summer by going on a walk for an emotional breakdown due to family tension and finding this absolute gut punch of a song. I had been seeing Reneé Rapp’s songs pop up in my Spotify radios and thought the first day of summer was the best time to listen to her incredibly vulnerable music. It was a choice I wasn’t prepared to handle the consequences for. Coincidentally, that was also the last time I went to my former community group. This song made me sit with all the complicated emotions I have around my mom.

Weightless by Arlo Parks

“Tethered to the person you could be. Re-reading our texts from the strawberry days…”

This song is purely about the grieving process I needed to engage in about the person I dated in the spring. I hadn’t spent time with someone who was so upfront about making me feel seen and adored. As someone used to unrequited love situations, that was a welcome shock to my system. But when I noticed him start to fade out as we hung out, it was hard to sit with the fact that he was burned out and couldn’t give me what I was taking forever to know I needed. So I had to give him space as I took my own space. While I’ve struggled to be friends with people I was once romantically involved with, something in me said this time was different and it was worth it to try. Because for once, I wasn’t concerned with what he could do for me. I had gotten to know someone that I felt a connection to on a human level and I felt that was something worth pursuing in a new way. Time will only tell what will come from this, but I can honestly say that this song captures all I need to say about it.

Wish You Well by PVRIS

“Couldn’t save you, I don’t blame you, we just have to let it go…”

Summer ended up being about a lot of goodbyes. From the person I dated to the realization that two of my best friends were now married and had to prioritize that to having to stand up for my inner teenager and leave places that made me feel inhibited, I realized this song had the words for all of it. I was able to be ok with all of it because I didn’t want to throw off my healing, just as much as anyone else’s. And the feeling of finally prioritizing myself was something I was proud of. I listened to this song so much that it inspired me to write my own version of it. It needs a whole lot of tweaking but I’m happy about it.

Not the Same by The Aces

“Oh, I’ve known her for my whole life, I swear. Now I’ll just have to get used to things without her there…”

Perhaps one of the hardest things I had to grieve this summer was the fact that I had to let go of this idealized version of me that was causing me to stunt my growth. That version of me was the one that my community group and so many people knew me as: the always cheerful, reliable, diplomatic, never one to be 100% open about my sins, good Christian girl. I realized that version of me was a continuation of me in my high school and even college days. Upon further reflection, it was the self that learned how to be palatable at the sacrifice of living authentically. I find myself now constantly asking myself “how do I actually feel about this?” instead of pushing away feelings of discomfort. Grieving this comfortable version of me is an ongoing process and it really does feel like I’m going through a second puberty. But it’s a process I’ve needed badly.

Asystole by Hayley Williams

“Revive another side of me, my eyes they see the poisoned devotion in me…”

I did a cover of this song during the summer because it explained the tense, love-doesn’t-exist angst I was feeling. If there was one thing I did well this summer it was the way I pursued being brutally honest and vulnerable in my songwriting. This song felt like a great model for it and I started to understand that the music was something good for me.

I Can See You by Taylor Swift

“And what would you do, baby, if you only knew? That I can see you…”

Ok, this is where I do a double take and wonder if Taylor Swift is indeed reading my diary, because it happens every time she releases an album. This song spoke to a situation that has been slyly in the background for the past two years. I thought I was doing a good job keeping it at bay when I was actively dating someone I really liked. But once that ended, I felt like I had to convince myself over and over again that I didn’t need anything from this person. Ugh I feel like I’ve already said too much but 1) I’ve already talked about it on my blog and 2) Taylor seems to have taken all my feelings about that situation and put it in this song. On a related note, I celebrated my 2 year work anniversary this summer and I feel really proud of that.

HIT EM WHERE IT HURTS by PawPaw Rod

“Sunshine, bathe me, lately life been crazy…”

This song is such a funky vibe. I first heard it at some point last year and found it powering my bad bitch summer persona. I’m obsessed with the bass and the guitar riff of this song. It also is some much needed lighthearted energy to the heavy things I dealt with this summer. I really gotta be listening to more funk because nothing’s better than grooving to a beat when you’re in a funk.

Blame Brett by The Beaches

“Right now it’s about me, me and only ’bout me…”

With all the internal chaos I was navigating, I had a strong urge to go do fun stuff as a distraction, including being open to going on dates. The frustrating thing was that all the guys I was encountering were a stretch from my caliber so it left me with the most cavalier dating attitude I’ve ever taken. On one hand, it was worth it to try to live in that space by really focusing on myself. On the other hand, it feels like I only pushed myself further away from the hopeless romantic I am at my core. This song came in handy as I made space for myself to only go on dates for experience, not because I was looking to fall in love. It was a weird dissonance to live in, but kinda on the nose when you feel like you’re “never gonna love again” because you’re doomed with the chains of generational trauma and you’ve yet to meet anyone that makes you feel safe I’m enough to be the hopeless romantic.

Evangeline by Stephen Sanchez

“I’ll be the pillow, and I’ll be the bed, holding your dreams as you lie to rest…”

Thankfully, my attention needs have found solace in the adoring love songs by Stephen Sanchez. I saw him perform at probably the best festival I’ve been to, Bleached Fest in San Diego, and it’s safe for me to say, I fell in love with his music then and there. I was listening to his music on the drive to SD from LA and it KILLED ME to hear how great he was at showing love and adoration in a gorgeous vintage love song. It was so soothing to my hopeless romantic side.

Faking My Own Death by Allison Ponthier

“I got one foot out the door, but I don’t fight it anymore…”

I got to see Allison Ponthier and Holly Humberstone in concert this summer and it was a really soul replenishing night. This song stood out to me from her set for the way that I realized that this song had words for me about my grieving process. It’s such a gentle song and it’s somehow also very dramatic: it’s like it was made for me. There’s so many complex emotions as you prepare to leave a group of people that were once really really important to you. It’s sad to feel like you’ve outgrown a place. It’s annoying because you have to explain to multiple people what’s going on. It’s scary to jump into the unknown of putting yourself in new places. And it’s somehow still hopeful in the way you get to see another side of yourself grow through it. This song seems to capture it all.

Antichrist by Holly Humberstone

“Am I the Antichrist? How do I sleep at night? Just need to escape my mind, I guess it figures…”

Despite my almost sureness about leaving my community, I still felt a ton of guilt about it. After all, it felt like I was making efforts to reintegrate after a year away from it and my presence was felt in the community. I found myself confronting the major reason I had stayed somewhat connected for so long: I felt like I had an obligation to stay. And it made me feel like I wasn’t giving Christ’s love by wanting to leave. But that’s when I realized that I was being fake, the very thing I was trying to battle.

What Was I Made For? by Billie Eilish

“Think I forgot how to be happy. Somethin’ I’m not, but somethin’ I can be. Somethin’ I wait for, somethin’ I’m made for…”

Ah yes, the existential crisis I had after watching the Barbie movie. I wasn’t expecting this song or that movie to hit me as hard as they did, but it hit hard. With all the inner teenager reflections I was doing, I realized that the version of me that existed for others was stunting my current growth. It’s as if I didn’t know who to be for. I remember the Sunday that the “hurricane” and earthquake happened in LA and how I checked out a new online service that had someone play this song at the end of service. Safe to say I cried because that’s a song I didn’t know God could speak through. I should know by now that God literally uses any kind of song to reach my heart.

De Selby (Part 2) by Hozier

“I wanna run against the world that’s turning, I’d move so fast that I’d outpace the dawn, I wanna be gone…”

Hozier came back with a VENGEANCE with his new album. This has been one of my favorite songs on the album for the incredible instrumentation and the emotive way Hozier sings this song. I love the way it speaks to my inner teenager who constantly wants to run away from confronting my true feelings. I’m consistently impressed by his creative mind and the way it’s both intellectual and raw. Please give his album like 1038494728392838 listens, k thanks.

Black Keys by Jonas Brothers

“Don’t let ‘em get inside of your head…”

First of all, Lines, Vines, and Trying Times is an underrated album — I need to write about it. Second of all, I did not expect this song to hit me so hard like 15 years after I first heard it. I spent pretty much an entire night sobbing to this song while combatting heartbroken feelings stemming from my family trauma. I’ve grown to be incredibly sensitive to the vibes in my house and I’m really trying to stay away from any conflict that doesn’t involve me because there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I was checking out a new church service and the message of the day was about lamenting losses and finding light in the darkness by making something of it. It was as if this song hit in a new way. It gave me the resolve to make and put out music about this very thing that’s broken my heart. It’s a hefty call but I know it’s important.

See Through by The Band Camino

“You’re good at looking at me like I’m see-through, but I gotta see you, I should’ve learned by now…”

I love this song so much because of the way it captures the angst of not feeling seen, especially in unrequited love situations. I came to the conclusion that I only wanted to date because I wanted attention and as part of the uncomfortable process of sitting with my inner teenager, I needed to learn to be ok with that very human need. It kind of drives me mad when I sense I’m being ignored so it’s been a bit painful to sit with the fact that two people that I like being around don’t seem to want to give me that attention I deeply crave.

Albums you gotta listen to: The Age of Pleasure by Janelle Monae, Grudges by Kiana Ledé, Ascension by Sarah Kinsley, Lost in Translation by Valley, EVERGREEN by PVRIS, tori by Tori Kelly, MY GOD! by Tessa Violet, The Loveliest Time by Carly Rae Jepsen, Shaky Knees by Kid Bloom, MAÑANA SERA BONITO (BICHOTA SEASON) by KAROL G, Unreal Unearth by Hozier

Summer was an angsty doozy, but I’m glad I got through it with the necessary changes I needed to make. If there’s one thing I feel fall demands of me it’s to commit to places where I feel the most whole. See you back here when the colder days come.