I told you I had a post I was sitting on. You might’ve noticed I added these two artists to my summer playlist because yes, I fell in love with them this summer.

You’re also probably wondering why I’m doing a 2-for-the-price-of-1 post. The truth is, I have to talk about them in the same post because they really represent the tension I’m living in these days.

On one hand, I’m an angsty teenager wanting to act out and get in trouble because she wants revenge for all the times no one took her feelings seriously (The Beaches).

On the other hand, I’m a muse in need of her own troubadour. I want nothing more than to experience being loved and pined after in every way humanly possible (Stephen Sanchez).

This tension all boils down to me realizing my human need of attention and the toxic ways I’ve been trying to go about it. They both just released albums that have been helping me figure out the conflicting thoughts swirling around my head these days. Warning: absolute bops ahead.

The Beaches

When I first heard The Beaches, I felt like I was on the verge of a very needed breakdown. Their song “Blame Brett” instantly caught my ear as I scrolled TikTok in late spring/early summer. Something about its brash declaration of a deeper issue that led the lead singer to proclaim that she was “not ready for therapy to take accountability” spoke to me on a spiritual level. In fact, I was literally dating someone and just about ready to sing this song to his face in an effort to deter him from continuing to seriously pursue me. Thankfully, he had his own problems to deal with so we stopped going out.

Now when that stopped, I was in a state of limbo as I wrestled with why I was kinda glad it ended. Don’t get me wrong I was still sad and realized I needed to get into a grieving process there — but I was honestly relieved. Truthfully, someone being that interested in making me feel seen and appreciated spooked me. I sure as hell wasn’t used to it. I loved the attention I was getting and was feeling a little toxic because I wasn’t sure if I liked him or if I just liked the attention.

After a moody day at home on the first day of summer, however, I came to the realization that the root of this dissonance was my emotional abandonment as a teenager. I can pinpoint all the times my parents dismissed my big feelings growing up — and those wounds had yet to be addressed. It was as if they’d just been covered up with a bandage for the last 10 years and even taking a peek at the damage was making them bleed profusely. I ended up figuring out that this recent dating experience was actually a catalyst in confronting my long held fear of intimacy.

Suddenly things began to click. My inner teenager had me crying and screaming angsty songs in the car as I thought about how outside of music, I’ve never had a safe space to be emotional because my parents had painted negative emotions as unnecessary. However, I always felt seen by female rockstars in that way.

And that’s when I dove into The Beaches’s discography.

Between “Blame Brett” and a collab with one of my faves, The Aces, I was determined to give them a whole listen. And believe me when I tell you that I found what I was looking for.

The Beaches are the ultimate cool girl band. They rock out, they scream, and they stand firm in the fact that rock music is meant for the most primal expressions of humanity. They belong to the long tradition of femme rockstars that make space to embrace the messy parts of life. I’m endlessly inspired by artists that do that because that’s what I long for most: a space where I can be seen in my most vulnerable.

One of the things I appreciate about The Beaches is that they really inject a lot of nuance into their songs. Their newest album Blame My Ex is filled with such masterful songwriting that says so much without getting super wordy for no reason. I admire that because I strive to do that in my own songwriting and listening to them makes me feel like I don’t have to oversimplify my feelings. I can actually say all I need to.

Another thing I love about them is that despite their surf rock tendencies and the fact that their band name is The Beaches, they’re actually from a town closer to Toronto, Canada. Yet they capture the California rock sound so well!! As a born and raised California girl, I fucking love that.

Also, the fact that just like The Aces, they’re made up of sisters/friends and they’re queer? We love to support it.

There’s just so much for me to love about The Beaches, but most of all, I love how they’re meeting me at this messy place I’m at. So now it’s your turn to find a reason to love them. Here’s a few of my favorites from them.

Highlights

Me & Me

“’Cause I’d rather be dead, than with 99% of all men. When I’m with myself, it’s honestly zen, might as well be my girlfriend…”

Did I facetiously post this song with a picture of myself in one of those IG “post your boyfriend for National Boyfriend Day” things? Yes. Was I doing it because I like being my own girlfriend or was I really bitter looking at everyone posting? Yes and yes. I love how this song can be interpreted as earnest and sarcastic at the same time. Because I feel both!! There’s days where I’m glad I’m single (most days tbh) but then there’s days where I put up a bitter front to mask my loneliness. This song really hits me and me whenever I need it.

Everything is Boring

“I swear I’m just watching life go down…”

This song is my go-to moody day song these days. The extremes of this song feel so right among the familiar chaos that seems to surround me. I included both The Aces remix and the regular one because all the lines in both versions are just gold. I love how sarcastic and dramatic this song is because this is literally what my inner teenager sounds like. She says things like “Sinking deeper and deeper into the couch. I’ve found so many coins down here I’m rich, maybe I should go out.” Like what an iconic line! Find me dissociating to this one on a bad day.

Desdemona

“What’s it like in your head…”

This is a bad bitch anthem and it makes me feel like a mysterious hot girl. Like yeah, wouldn’t you like to know what actually is going on my head, silly boys? The bass in this one just jumps out and it gives a prime beat to strut down the street to. I really wanna see this one on their setlist for their show at The Troubadour next year.

Keeper

“And I can’t say when I’m into you. All the words that you lay down are nothing but broken…”

I know by now that the majority of men are out there bullshitting their way into and through relationships. I trust no man’s words because of it. This song really speaks to the jaded POV I’ve been operating with as I’ve gone on most dates this year. I’ve been trying to give these guys a chance but man, it’s not been worth it in most cases. Like dude, are you really showing up to a date at a nice bar in basketball shorts and saying you want a serious relationship? Give me a fucking break. So yeah, I dated around for the stories and now I think I’m good for the moment.

Grow Up Tomorrow

“Tell myself I’m an artist but really I’m just a piece of shit…”

This is what being a teenager in your 20s is like. Two of my best friends got married this year, one of them bought a house, and another best friend just got her masters. Meanwhile I’m here, still at my parents’ house deciding if I want to stay in and be moody or go out and interact with random people I’ll never see again. My inner teenager feels seen in this chaotic song and I find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in being stunted.

Walk Like That

“‘Cause I don’t care, if you don’t care…”

This song is a bit of an anthem for me right now. This song feels like when I feel myself getting angry for ways that I’ve been misunderstood in relationships. Especially as I’ve wrestled with the idea of letting go of relationships that force me into my old people pleaser self. It’s been hard to shed that skin in favor of embracing a more raw version of me. But I don’t have time to care about what other people think of me anymore. Their perception of me is one thing, but if they’re gonna judge me for the space I’m in then they’re clearly showing they don’t care about me.

Shower Beer

“I need to be talked about, don’t act like you won’t miss me…”

This is the state of mind I’ve been operating with for the past year. There’s a certain manic pixie energy that I’ve embraced in the past year and it’s kind of made me feel a little sad that I don’t want to run in the same circles I used to. I fully blame my inner teenager for that because she’s been pushing me to act out and expand the social circles I run in. It feels a little lonely because it’s so different from the communities I’ve been part of. I long to be seen in everything I am but I definitely have been settling with being seen as cool.

Edge of the Earth

“I feel so far, you’re all I want…”

This is probably my favorite song off of Blame My Ex. Sonically it hits, but the lyrics? Ooof the pain. It explains all my fears of being in a relationship that I just don’t feel comfortable explaining most of the time. I know myself and I know how deeply I love. It’s been the hardest thing to learn how to operate within healthy boundaries and not give my all somewhere that doesn’t reciprocate even though I want to. I’ve been using the hard, cool girl facade to hide the fact that I’m just a big hearted person wanting to go to the edge of the earth for someone. That said, this song feels like a good transition to the other side of my angsty self, aka what I’m actually running away from.

Stephen Sanchez

I first really gave Stephen Sanchez a listen to as I prepared to go to Bleached Fest over the summer. I had forgotten he had gone viral on TikTok for his song “Until I Found You”, a love song I definitely thought was overrated for a second. As I listened to his EPs and singles at the time, I realized this guy’s absolute talent at crafting a beautiful, uncomplicated love song.

The first song that caught my heart was “Evangeline”. It was as if this sweet song spoke directly to the deep longing in my heart to be cherished, pined after, and loved. In so many ways, it reminds me that love really can be that simple and almost unmerited. Sonically, I LOVE the way Stephen leans into the whole 50s/60s crooner sound here.

When I heard that he was leaning into that aesthetic through a story arc in his new album Angel Face, I had no choice but wait patiently for the whole damn thing. And it’s a STUPIDLY AMAZING ALBUM. Sorry, it’s not stupid. I’m just mad and impressed at how gorgeous the album is.

The way the album has modern production in it but doesn’t lose the vintage essence? It’s so cool! He literally fooled my parents who thought he was a crooner from their parents’ days when I played the album for them. Nope, he’s a literal 20 year old dude who’s got the sound down.

His love songs have represented the other side of the tension I’ve been living in: the wanting to let go and love. See, I’ve spent the better part of the last 10 years of my life thinking that love always has to be complicated. From my many unrequited love situations to the disillusionment of my parents’ marriage to my unsuccessful adventures in dating, I’ve gotten to a really guarded and jaded place when it comes to love. And I’ve never been wired for that.

I’m wired as a dreamer, a hopeless romantic that cares for nothing more than to be swept up in the moment with someone. When I was dating the aforementioned catalyst for confronting my fear of intimacy earlier this year (who funnily enough shares a first name with Mr. Sanchez), I almost felt like I was two steps from reconnecting with that side of me. I remember almost crying in his car after our second date as I told him how I really craved big romantic gestures. I didn’t think I’d ever get to say that out loud to someone.

Now since we stopped dating, I stayed away from that side of myself because I knew she would mislead me in the grieving process. But when I came across Mr. Sanchez’s music, that part of me was the first to say “wait, let’s hear this guy making these sweet love songs out. Maybe I can exist without needing to have a crush.” And that’s when starting to listen to his music became the first step in me giving space to that side of myself.

The hardest thing about this side of me is that it’s never been safe enough to love anyone like that. Because every time I’ve wanted to love someone so purely, it’s meant me being vulnerable, taking the first step, and then not knowing when to stop. Whereas as a teenager it was easier to love others recklessly (without boundaries), nowadays I’m so much more cautious and skeptical about anyone that catches my eye. And that’s because I’ve realized that loving people to the detriment of myself isn’t healthy — as romantic as I thought it had been. Yes, that is another outcome of the emotional abandonment I experienced as a teenager: I always felt like I had to overcompensate for the lack of attention I got by paying close attention to others, in hopes that I’d get it in return. I’ve seen the dark side of myself in that way and on my worst days, I see my predisposition to that vicious cycle, run away from addressing it, and feel like I’m hard to love as a result. But on my better days, I stay hopeful and tend to my tender heart by dreaming of the day I’ll just be covered in love.

Cultivating those better days has been hard, but it’s songs like Stephen Sanchez’s that have served as reminders that loving someone is worth it, even if it might get you in trouble. Because that trouble has the power to push you to grow.

Speaking of trouble, the complicated thing about where me and my former lover ended up is that we both agreed to pursue each other platonically, but we never said we stopped liking each other. We caught up as friends over dinner a few weeks ago and then ran into each other at concerts of each other’s favorite band. (One was planned, the other was not.) Nonstop on my mind since all that has been how the synchronicities haven’t stopped and how there’s definitely still something between us. I can tell because he’s still so nervous around me. And I have to actively remind myself that I have to act as a friend, so as not to confuse him or myself. But y’all, I’m not so sure I want to. I don’t know, I just feel seen by him in ways that many people don’t see me. It feels almost effortless to share myself with him. I can’t tell if that’s best explored in a romantic relationship or a friendship, especially since I’ve not been a “be friends with exes” kind of person. What I’m trying to say is that I’m still curious about him and would be open to dating him again. But maybe not while hiding behind a cool girl facade this time. Scary confession incoming: I want to experience being seen and loved for who I am. If that role is meant for him, then I don’t want to fight it if I don’t have to. If it’s not, then I shouldn’t hide myself from the world so much and open myself to another opportunity, right? I don’t need to make it so hard for myself. That all expressed, I’m still spooked by the idea of letting myself be vulnerable again because of the messiness I mentioned in The Beaches part. But it doesn’t mean I don’t wanna try.

Anywho, back to the main point of this article. I’m seeing Stephen Sanchez’s live show in November and I’m so jazzed because he wants everyone to dress up like they’re in the 50s/60s. I love a little post-Halloween dress up moment. So now, here’s your chance to fall in love with his music. These are my favorite songs of his that are giving space to my romantic self.

Highlights

Only Girl

“Those other boys will let you down, no I would never mess around…”

This song actually supports my cool girl exterior by just taking the words at face value and not placing someone in the role of this troubadour’s shoes. I love how this song so artfully paints the picture of a muse because I haven’t heard that as well done since I started listening to Saint Motel. I find this song empowering to my romantic self for the way that I can pretend I’m being pined after.

Hey Girl

“Hey, girl, with your head in the clouds, I wanna love you, I wanna love you…”

This song feels like a sister song to “Off She Goes” by Bad Suns. The sentiment behind both songs is a lover pursuing a girl who seems to be lost in the clouds a bit. Hmm can you guess why this song would speak to me as someone constantly wrapped in her fears? For real though, if someone took this song (and “Off She Goes”) seriously I’d probably cry. This song is so simple but so earnest in wanting to break through. This is what I want and expressing that ignites all my fears.

The Pool

“Would you trust me to catch you at the bottom of the pool?”

Speaking of igniting all my fears, this song really lays out the nuance of craving intimacy. The cool girl exterior I hide behind tells me not to trust anyone because that’s how you get hurt. But the romantic in me longs for someone to invite me into trusting them. I’m not saying I’d easily go ahead and trust someone, it would be a struggle with my disorganized attachment/generational trauma to overcome it. And that’s why I want to be open to love. This song makes me cry because it so tenderly explains the struggle of vulnerability. It’s refreshing to hear a love song that doesn’t shy away from being afraid of the very thing the singer wants.

I Want You

“Every minute, every hour, if you’ll have me, I want you…”

This man is unstoppable with these simple but deeply loving lyrics. Like sheesh. Anyway, I just feel entranced listening to this one. I love public declarations of love and I’ve definitely wondered ‘when is it my turn to receive that?’ Words of affirmation are definitely not my main love language but I do love some poetry. Again, if someone sang this song to me I’d probably keel over and cry.

Something About Her

“Something about her terrifies all my fears. She sits in a smile with eyes looking through. What’s the point of all this music, if I’m not here to dance with you…”

I literally cried when I first heard this song. He played it at Bleached Fest as the sun set over the ocean and I looked up at the sky like “God what on earth are you doing?” It had been a LONG time since a love song affected me so deeply. This song hit me because I let myself daydream about someone actually feeling this way about me. Like, I may not be the only scaredy cat in my romantic adventures. And something about that comforts me.

Be More

“If words could just hold you, tell me you feel me. Oh, just to know you, tell me you see me…”

This song really speaks to the simple thought behind my romantic longings. The wild thing about dealing with my fear of intimacy is the push and pull of my disorganized attachment. I don’t want to be seen, but also I really want to be seen. I don’t want to be held, but also I desperately want to be held. I want to give in and stay, but I also will probably run away from it. Nothing hurts as good as this song.

High

“Is it wrong for me to want this? But, baby, all I do is want it…”

Out of all the songs on Stephen Sanchez’s new album, this one feels the most modern and I love it. He played it at Bleached Fest and I remember feeling immediately frustrated when he said this one was unreleased. I have some baggage with unreleased songs (looking at my pals in Never Ending Fall 😠). But what I love about this song is how it’s just so unapologetic about the pursuit of pleasure. Like yeah, it’s a rock song dripping in horny angst. And yeah you know what, my inner teenager loves that because that’s another thing she constantly deals with: wanting to experience pleasure but not wanting to deal with the emotional abandonment that could come from it.

Doesn’t Do Me Any Good

“She got me cryin’ to the Lord, screamin out ‘Oh, someone come and save me’…”

This song kind of mirrors “Edge of the Earth” by The Beaches in its almost desperation to show love to someone. I feel this song so deeply because I’ve been the singer in pretty much every romantic situation I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve been wondering when it’s my time to experience not knowing that someone is crying out God for help on dealing with me. The funny thing about the situation I’m in right now is that for all I know, it could be happening. But maybe not so secretly, I’m in this place again singing it right back, like the hopeless romantic I am at my core.