Oh Fall 2023, I might as well consider this my season of hibernation.

To wrap up Fall 2023, I’m sharing some of the songs on my playlist and thoughts on new releases from the season. Stick around for the full playlist.

If Summer 2023 was the skidding through the first lessons on my new journey of growth, then Fall 2023 was the crash into the tree. Summer had taught me that I needed to sit with my inner teenager to grow. The coping mechanisms of running away, feigning a cool girl exterior, or keeping busy with unfulfilling things just weren’t working for me. Not to mention entertaining a friendship with the last person I dated proved to be more of an opportunity for me to notice my vicious cycles with my disorganized attachment right as they started to rear their ugly heads. Emotionally I was at a low point and I felt like I couldn’t get out of it. I got to a point where the only things I was leaving the house for were concerts because I didn’t know where else me and my emotional baggage would be welcome. I resolved to holing myself at home to binge watch all of The OC as a way to get comfort for my inner teenager while I waited for a call to set up my first therapy session in a new go-round. Before I knew it, I was starting to change and as a result, I didn’t want to be around just anyone. However it wasn’t all doom and gloom, I listened to a lot of great music that helped give voice to all the tumult I felt. And that’s what helped me get through it. So let’s dive into the soundtrack of Fall 2023.

Highlights

The One I Used To Love by Bad Suns

“My dependencies got the best of me, now the rest of me struggles endlessly…”

I should’ve known I’d be crying my way through the season when Bad Suns released this banger. I first heard this song on my last night in El Salvador for my cousin’s wedding in September. I’ve learned by now that any time Bad Suns releases a single, my emotionally state is called into question. So while I had no idea what this song would mean for me at the time, it quickly became apparent what I was to reflect on. Grief would be the theme of this season and I didn’t know to what depths that would go. But I’m beyond thankful that this song stayed a constant as I figured it out. Also I have to acknowledge that one of the things I did consistently this season was scream “Nobody listens to me! Not me especially!” all season. Christo’s so real for that.

get him back! by Olivia Rodrigo

“Oh, I want sweet revenge, and I want him again, I want to get him back…”

I was feeling particularly feisty when fall kicked off. I somehow ended up experiencing a week where I caught up with both of the guys that I crushed on this year and ended up with some much needed clarity. I came to realize one of them reminded me of a past friendship (that I messed up) and I needed to adjust my behavior to not repeat it. Meanwhile, the other made me realize I was not gonna be easy for them to forget. But for both of them, this song felt appropriate as I ping-ponged between them trying to sort out my feelings about each of them that wild week.

Kismet by The Beaches

“Ooh, I keep on running into you…”

So the week after I caught up with the guy that made me realize I wouldn’t be so easy for him to forget, I “ran into” him at the Bad Suns/Band CAMINO show. Uh huh, kismet isn’t it. He claims he didn’t know I would be there. But 1) I’m pretty sure everyone knows that by now wherever Bad Suns is, there am I also and 2) he definitely saw me posting on my IG story about how I was excited to see that show. I was pissed that he was acting weird about “running into” me because it was his call for us to be friends. My goal that night was to have fun at the show with my best friend Katie and I did. Honestly I was too dazed about giving Christo Bowman a hug and seeing Bad Suns play to really give a shit though. But it was a crucial debrief conversation with Katie that made me realize my cool girl exterior was cracking. Katie and I talked about what it was that I really wanted and I told her that I really did want to be in a relationship but I couldn’t help but be terrified of the idea that I need to explain my family trauma to somebody. And on top of that, I couldn’t handle the thought of someone catching me in the middle of a spiral about that. That was the night I knew it was all gonna catch up to me. And that’s really what was kismet.

Paint The Town Red by Doja Cat

“I’m going to glow up one more time. Trust me I have magical foresight…”

Now, the last time I saw my former lover was when we both were at a show for his favorite band, The 1975. I decided to throw him a bone and let him and his friends drive me back to my car in Pasadena since apparently they were going there too. I distinctly remember as we got through the Hollywood Bowl traffic that they played this song in the car. As I sat in the backseat, I was fully aware of the fact that I had the power in the car. I didn’t feel like being my normal, super bubbly self. Actually, I felt like brooding. And that was because I had spent most of that night in anxiety because I didn’t know what kind of interaction I would have with him. Was he going to try to make a move? Was he going to be friendly in a non-awkward way? What ended up happening was that he kept trying to prove he was connected to me instead of actually connecting with me. It was a weird approach and I didn’t like it. All I could do was sit in the last remaining shreds of my cool girl exterior like “ok dude what are you trying to do right now?” Needless to say, this Doja Cat song really helped me hold on to that cool girl exterior.

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Paranoid by The Beaches

“Ran up my minutes on my inner voice. She loves to bring up all my issues, God, she’s a bitch…”

So uh, this song really illustrates the spiral I went into in October. And it started with me trying to resolve the awkwardness with my former lover by eagerly reaching out to see him again. It was the moment I felt the all too familiar “omg I think I’m in love with this person and omg I need to make this person pursue me because if they don’t I’m gonna feel abandoned” cycle start to happen. One of the things that was different this time was that it wasn’t just that situation that was making me feel abandoned. It was the fact that I was distancing myself from my old church community and the fact that I knew all my friends were busy and I didn’t want to burden them with this cycle playing out once again. I felt a deep loneliness start to take shape and it SUCKED. The other thing that made this cycle feel different was that I finally caught it as it was happening and I knew that my anger at this cycle hurting me again needed to be the thing to drive me to healing. It just really hurt to realize how much I was hurting myself.

i’m too pretty for this by Claire Rosinkranz

“Why do your promises never stick? And why are your words always full of shit?”

In sorting through my anger about the aforementioned cycle, I remembered that I wasn’t the only one I was mad at. I was seeing these inconsistent patterns from my former lover and it actually made me angry that I once again was dealing with someone emotionally unavailable. I found comfort in this song because I allowed myself to be like ‘you know what, I actually hate this. I hate the inconsistency. And yeah! I AM too pretty for this!!’ I could hear my inner teenager screaming it perfectly.

Walking On Ice by Last Dinosaurs

“I’m walking on ice, never think twice, I’m ready to self-destruct…”

With all the anger and conflicting emotions about the cycles I was experiencing, I felt like I was two steps from combusting all of October. This song was one of those ‘oh I love how it sounds’ that turned into ‘oh shit, this is me right now’ moments. I became a fan of Last Dinosaurs last fall when I saw them open for Bad Suns so it was awesome that I got to tune into their latest and greatest.

WHAT LOVE? by I Don’t Know How But They Found Me

“Lord help me, I think I’m gonna cry. I guess I met you at the wrong time…”

Ugh Dallon Weekes is a musical genius. I was immediately hooked when this song came out and as the tension of this season with my former lover persisted, this song only hit me more. As I’ve reflected on the entire time I’ve known him, it’s become quite clear to me that the pain has been necessary…at least for me. See when I met him, I was actively trying to run away from my family trauma. I thought being a cool girl with an interesting life would be enough to get me into some kind of relationship to distract myself from any familial pain. I was not ready to actually face my intimacy and abandonment issues. So when I think of where I fell short in my interactions with my former lover, it’s as if this song so sleekly lays it all out. Honestly, the more I listen to this song, the more I see myself in this song. It sucks, but goddamn what a JAM to process it through.

GO GO GO by Jorja Smith

“I break the ties, I’m gone for good now…”

Jorja Smith released an insanely powerful album. I felt myself drawn to the punk rock influences in this song. The avoidant side of my disorganized attachment found its encouragement to run from everything with this song. I was feeling so misunderstood by everyone I had been around and it felt like I needed to isolate in this new way, mostly because I needed to experience who I am becoming outside of people’s perceived expectations of me. I found freedom in leaving things.

in my absence by Miki Ratsula

“Am I worthy of being missed sometimes? Am I more than just the useful kind?”

On the other hand of the freedom of isolation was the deep loneliness and familiarity of emotional abandonment. I cried to this song so deeply when I heard it. I was having a hard time sitting with the fact that I needed connection and I didn’t know how to ask for it. I should mention that I didn’t figure out that I craved connection or was as familiar as I was with emotional abandonment until I started therapy again. But in this in-between stage, I felt paralyzed by the worst case scenarios: that everyone’s been either lying to me about how much they care about me or that I just didn’t matter enough to anyone. It got really dark in my head.

After Midnight by Chappell Roan

“I love a little drama, let’s start a bar fight…”

Ok first of all: Chappell Roan is a fucking legend in the making and I feel special for the way I saw her explain all the work she put in to get to where she is. Her album is so GOOOD. So second of all — because I was battling a really dark headspace for all of October, I was desperate for an opportunity to truly dissociate and have some fun. And I thought that was gonna be Halloween night. I was dressed like Jessica Rabbit and I knew I looked hot. I wanted to have a moment with a sexy stranger. But instead me, my friend Doreen, and her friend Molli got some guys kicked out of the last bar we were at for being gross and disrespectful to us. And yeah, I think it did happen after midnight lol.

Say Don’t Go by Taylor Swift

“Now your silence has me screamin’, screamin’, ‘say don’t go’…”

Of course Taylor came out with a song that hit me deep — this is her thing. Of all the re-records, I was most excited for 1989 since that is my favorite album of hers. It reminds me so sweetly of my time in Shanghai. I was interested to see the place this album would meet me as a re-record. Turns out there were parallels to the loneliness I felt in Shanghai and the pining after someone who isn’t actually with me this time around. This vault song paints a vivid memory of me crying my eyes out and screaming the lyrics as I drove home from the aforementioned Halloween night. I was already sad that that the night ended up being weird and so I ended up actually crying about the fact that I missed getting attention from my former lover. I felt extra pathetic since I looked so hot in my Jessica Rabbit costume. It was probably my lowest point this season…if not this whole year.

Living Or Dying by Bad Suns

“I feel like I’m lying, I’m cheating myself, I’m tired of trying to please everyone else…”

Ah yes to add insult to injury, my favorite band in the whole world came through swinging with a whole, cheeky EP called Infinite Joy. Jk this EP was everything to me. As if “The One I Used To Love” and “Astral Plans” hadn’t been enough, the last single to release before it all came out had me curled up in fetal position crying in pain. I was truly astonished at how it felt like Christo had not only read my journal but made me feel like he knew exactly the pain I was going through trying to fight these cycles. I’m glad that it was during my ✨therapy week✨ that I not only got to tell Christo that this song was really speaking to me, but he so sweetly gave me a hug when I told him. That was probably my favorite moment all year. God, I love that man more than any man ever.

Heaven Bound by Quarters of Change

“I kind of think that it’s over now. Heaven sent, heaven bound…”

I need you ALL to hop on the Quarters of Change train right the fuck now. They’re releasing an album in January and I for one cannot wait based on all that I’ve heard. This song really helped me feel a sense of peace about my decision to focus on healing myself instead of trying to be friends with my former lover. Truthfully I know that there’s healing we both need to do and every day that goes by I feel like I’m getting closer to finding the words to explain it to him. Nothing terrifies me more than having to tell someone they hurt me; I’m just not used to it. But I’m hoping that I’ll be able to take that step of courage in January.

Cocoon by Holly Humberstone

“Are you free tonight to watch The OC? This is protocol, I need you here beside me. I’m just going through something…”

This song pretty much explains how I basically shut myself down socially this season. Amidst the many concerts I went to alone, me committing to finding a new church, busyness at work, and spiraling about my vicious cycles, I sought comfort more than anything. And yeah, me committing to watch The OC feels like a major theme. (Ugh such a good show, I finished it all last week.) I felt my inner teenager really living vicariously through the show. A big shoutout to my friend Whitney for not only influencing me to watch the show but being a consistent friend in this season.

Envy the Leaves by Madison Beer

“I envy the leaves that grow from the trees. They’re all so carefree, through the seasons, unaware of the fall…”

I have been waiting to fall in love with Madison Beer’s music and she gave me that opportunity with her newest project. This song so beautifully captured the exhaustion I felt trying to keep my head above water this season. I have a tendency to get stuck in the past and as a result, it’s hard for me to let things go. That’s a huge reason why this season had been so hard: I was realizing that my almost 10 year held resentment towards my parents went deeper than I thought. And diving into it with my therapist has unveiled a new level of anger at the way they emotionally abandoned and dismissed me as a teenager. All my behaviors in all my relationships have been me acting from that hurt place. And I wish I could just let it go and heal. Maybe that’s something to look forward to.

No Feeling Is Final by Natalie Madigan

“But there′s gotta be dark for the light to exist…”

I love Natalie Madigan so much. Her songs are so full of wisdom and light. This song feels like a blanket straight out of the dryer was wrapped around me. The hardest thing about this season has truly been the despair of feeling like I’m gonna feel this low forever. And I know that I won’t stay here for long. This song has served as a reminder that this temporary darkness is going to be a springboard for a new bright light coming. I don’t know what that light is yet, but I’m starting to remind myself that there is light to look forward to.

Joiner by Blondshell

“I think I want to save you, I think I wanna join in…”

This song is so good that I put it in my Summer playlist too. But of course, this song hit harder when I actually sat down with the lyrics. Again, it’s a song that makes me think of how the story of my former lover went down. It really is giving “two people with some obvious baggage came together in a passionate affair but of course each other’s baggage broke the whole thing.” Isn’t it cute when two messed up people like each other? Well that’s the spirit of this song at least.

Slowly Spilling Out by Saint Motel

“Yeah, I hated you, but that just hurt me. Forgiving you set me free…”

This is such a gorgeous song and it’s where I want to get to with my parents. In a minuscule way, I’ve applied this to my former lover by choosing to forgive him for the ways he hurt me with his inconsistency. It’s just exhausting to act out of revenge and hold onto a grudge. I’m learning that just because I can forgive easily and get to place of understanding with someone it doesn’t mean the hurt is invalidated. I’m getting comfortable with expressing my discomfort on things but I know by now that love covers multitudes.

Swim by Reneé Rapp

“Dreams of us, they turn into nightmares. If it’s love, then why do I feel scared? Hear a voice inside of my head saying, ‘Swim, swim, swim as fast as you can’…”

The hardest part about getting to the end of this year is realizing all that I need to let go of. I feel like I spent the majority of the year either running away from my family trauma or drowning in it. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m so tired of being tired of it, where I want to experience what it would be like to let it go. Similarly, I’ve been sitting in indecision about what to do about the former lover I’ve harped on about. But the more I think about the ways he hasn’t shown me anything secure yet, the more I feel like I need to stand up for myself and then “swim, swim, swim as fast as I can” from him. At least for now. It’s sad to feel like I have to give up something that had so much promise but it’s sadder to feel trapped in a cycle and I don’t want to abandon myself anymore. But I gotta let him know before I pull a disappearing trick again. Because then I would learn nothing.

Albums/EPs you gotta listen to: GUTS by Olivia Rodrigo, I Sleep Fine Now by Gatlin, This Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We by Mitski, Silence Between Songs by Madison Beer, Blame My Ex by The Beaches, Angel Face by Stephen Sanchez, going…going…GONE! by hemlocke springs, Live for Me by Omar Apollo, Scarlet by Doja Cat, The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan, new planet heaven by HUNNY, falling or flying by Jorja Smith, i’ll be fine if i want to by Miki Ratsula, Paint My Bedroom Black by Holly Humberstone, the rest by boygenius, Something To Give Each Other by Troye Sivan, 1989 (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift, GOLDEN by Jungkook, No Feeling Is Final by Natalie Madigan, Read the Room by BEL, RYU by Last Dinosaurs, Infinite Joy by Bad Suns, Snow Angel (Deluxe) by Reneé Rapp, Alchemical: Volume 1 by Dove Cameron

Fall was really a season where things fell apart. But it was needed. I’m starting to understand what it really means to prioritize myself, stand up for myself, and really take care of all sides of me. I’m excited to see what next year brings but for now, I’m gonna close out this wild year with an album that brought out my inner teenager to make her voice known to me.