Happy New Year all!!! Am I purposely ignoring January? OF COURSE!! Just know it was busy as fuck! I’ll talk about it later! Everyone knows the year really starts in February anyway. And for me that’s really true because my birthday is upon us.

I’m pumped for the 28th year of my life because for some reason I’ve always associated that age with the true prime of my life. And you know what, this is probably the first time expectations and reality may be lining up.

Now I wouldn’t be able to say that without the crucial breakdown that preceded this. To recap, somewhere between October and November of last year I spiraled into a low place as I realized what was at the core of my failures in the relationship department. I decided to pump the brakes on running away and commit to restarting therapy. With my commitment to that as well as choosing to invest in friendships that encourage me to be my wholehearted self, I’ve been healing. And I’m truly back with a vengeance.

Not only am I aware of my power in a new way, but I’m becoming aware of my voice and how I’ve always known the answers to my questions. And, to use my ex’s words, God is working powerfully in my life. One really could say I’m divinely protected.

See, the thing I’m trying to balance this year is the power of my will with the needed gentleness to grow. The key to it is growing my adult self by being kinder to my past selves. As I’ve been learning in therapy, my intuition has always been strong and it’s worth it to cultivate trust in it.

That all said, this playlist contains all that I’m trying to integrate: the fun, the gentle, the rebellious, the entirety of me. This playlist is like a peek into my soul as I hold all these sides of me this year. Let’s go.

Highlights

All-American Bitch by Olivia Rodrigo

“I know my age and I act like it…”

I mean, this song says it all. I love the way Olivia paints the dichotomies of being a woman. The lyric “I am built like a mother and a total machine” always gets me because it’s SO REAL!! I feel so seen in this song in the fact that all those things are true at any given moment. Like I can be gentle, but also want to scream at the top of my lungs in a true screech. It’s just so brilliant and it deserves to be praised. Literally my inner teenager as a song, it’s so good. Agh if only the FCC had allowed her to sing it at the Grammys, would’ve been so sick.

Not My Fault by Reneé Rapp ft. Megan Thee Stallion

“Told you who I am and what it is that’s not my fault…”

Can I just say that as a recovering people pleaser this song is a bad bitch anthem? It was literally my top song of the month of January. A pregame to February if you will. I’m getting comfortable with the fact that there will be people that don’t like me as I am. I’ve recently become disillusioned with the fact that people may only like one side of me. I used to be good at hiding certain sides of me but I’m just not cool with that anymore. For example, if I date someone from now on, I want them to know how deeply emotional I am. I want them to know how witty I am. I want them to know how much complacency annoys me. I want them to know how curious I am. All of it. If someone’s not wanting to be around that, then I don’t want to be around that. Better yet if someone is scared of me being my entire self because it challenges them to be better, then GOOD. Yes I am referring to my ex on that one. Because it’s not my fault he fumbled so bad. 💅

yes, and? by Ariana Grande

“Everybody’s tired and healin’ from somebody or somethin’ we don’t see just right…”

Leave it to miss ponytail to give me a former theatre kid BANGER like this. Do I condone the behavior she’s shown in her latest relationship gossip? I don’t, leave the married men with kids alone girl. But this song is a fucking BOP and it’s speaking to me. This era is really about “yes, and” in both the sassy way I’m allowed to respond to people’s uncalled for opinions of me and the way I need to “keep moving like ‘what’s next?’”. I’m a former improv kid which means that at some point in my life, “yes, and” was a mantra. Funny how that inner teenager shit shows up here.

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up) by Fall Out Boy

“In the end everything collides my childhood spat back out the monster that you see…”

I am releasing an EP called “I should have said something earlier…” in November of this year. As I’ve been planning and working on the songs on this project, articulating the sentiments in my songs has made me feel a little like a monster. Literally just because I’m not used to speaking from my emotions. And so I’ve been relying on this song to help me through it. Quite literally a continuation of the Fall Out Boy high I’ve been on since last year. I can’t tell you how invigorating it is to make my songs come to life. I can’t wait for you all to hear them.

Dog Rose by Arlo Parks

“I’m sorry if that scares you, but I can’t help it…”

Once again Arlo Parks’s voice is teaching me to be kinder to myself. This sweet love song is written about her partner but I can’t help but sing it back to my inner child and inner teenager. It’s such a sweet song in the way it points out the beauty of the mundane. I’ve been realizing that the key to spending time with my inner children is to marvel at the world around me. I feel most connected with my inner child when I’m interacting with nature. And I feel most like my inner teenager when I’m interacting with the people around me. It feels new to appreciate the little things but it’s what makes me like being a human for once.

Easy On Me by Adele

“Go easy on me, baby, I was still a child…”

I forgot how kind this song is. I recently re-listened to it and it made me cry because of how graceful it is. Adele’s voice is always so powerful and it just hits different in this song. It’s like I can tell she’s singing to herself as much as she’s singing to a partner or child. For me, this song serves as a reminder to give myself grace for the past versions of me that needed to exist. I’ve always had a hard time accepting the version of me in high school that wanted to desperately to be liked so she bent over backwards to maintain her composure even though she had a hurricane of wild emotions that she repressed. I know logically why I did what I did but it still breaks my heart knowing that all came from a profound feeling of unworthiness. I’m working on healing that by treating it with grace. It’s not been easy.

Brave by Sara Bareilles (live)

“Let your words be anything but empty. Why don’t you tell them the truth?…”

This song is a blast from the past in a much needed way. I chose to use the live version of it because it takes away the noise of the studio version, which feels overproduced and unfortunately overplayed. In my eyes, it dismisses the power of this song. The live version is just Sara singing at a piano and it feels like an intimate reminder for my soul to sit with this year. Her voice in this performance feels like the voice of my older sister encouraging me to tell my stories by releasing songs. I’ve started getting comfortable with the commission of telling the truth and letting my voice be heard in my relationships. It’s never not scary to explain my thoughts but I know by practicing any chance I get, the fear lessens.

Haute by Janelle Monáe

“They say I look good, they say I look haute, they say I look pretty, can’t tell me I’m not…”

Janelle Monáe WENT OFF with this one. It’s a short little ditty but it’s just filled with good vibes. It’s giving pool party. It’s giving morning affirmations. It’s giving I’m a hot person and this is the prime of my life. We love them for giving us this bop.

Lunar Shadows by Bad Suns

“Get up, get down, but don’t let it keep you down…”

Who the fuck would I be without a Bad Suns anthem on my playlist. Certainly not Kelly Rodriguez. This song serves as a simple reminder that any step back that I perceive is an opportunity to get back up. I’m truly in awe of whatever divine inspiration Christo Bowman gets to be able to give me a catchy lyric to help me remember something important. I can’t wait to see what music he has up his sleeve for me. I still can’t believe “Just To Feel Your Touch” exists, that song is the definition of hot person.

My Love Mine All Mine by Mitski

“Nothing in the world belongs to me but my love mine all mine all mine…”

What is going to make this year so radical for me is the commitment to fostering a tenderness, a vulnerability, and a safe space for myself like I’ve never had before. With all the work I’ve done in therapy, it’s become clear to me that I want my future life to be one of emotionally safety. I want to be in communities where that’s seen as important. I want to be in a marriage where that’s a core value. If I choose to have or foster kids, I want them to feel that in my future home. And that all starts with me cultivating that with myself. I don’t live in any emotionally safe home environment and it’s not been something I grew up with. So to have the words for the way I want to overcome this generational trauma feels like the biggest gift among this immense grief. This commitment is part of a new foundation I’m building and as messy as it is, I can tell that it’s going to be insanely transformative.