And just like that I am emerging from the cocoon of the colder seasons. Winter 2023, I’m glad we got through it.

To wrap up Winter 2023, I’m sharing some of the songs on my playlist and thoughts on new releases from the season. Stick around for the full playlist.

Fall left me in a pretty low place and watching the days get shorter, meant I had to drum up the fire in me to keep me warm. So that’s what I did. At the start of the new year, I set off with my anger to chart out a new reality for myself. I committed to my goals of learning to speak up for myself and taking up space. I told my ex that I had been hurt by him and set a boundary for a bit (and it was met very gracefully). I made time for the joy of making music and committing to the process of making my songs come to life. I sought resources to help me improve my emotional wellbeing. I cried with my friends A LOT. I celebrated my birthday surrounded by the people that see me and know me and care about me. Now, I feel like I’m empowered to keep using my voice and take some risks.

I couldn’t have gotten to that place without a killer soundtrack. And by that I mean special shoutout to Holly Humberstone, Rachel Chinouriri, Maisie Peters, Reneé Rapp, and Ariana Grande for giving me the words to be honest. So let’s dive into the soundtrack of Winter 2023.

Highlights

Pavlove by Fall Out Boy

“I want to make you as lonely as me…”

I was fully in my angsty teenager Fall Out Boy mood in early winter. And when they dropped this demo from the Folie days, I quickly became hooked. Before it was fully released, I had learned about this song from beloved Fall Out Boy TikTok account MotleyDilettante and how much she loved this song. As the band has been touring their last album, they’ve been pulling out some deep cuts via the magic 8 ball bit during the show. Motley took it upon herself to keep track of the shenanigans and it’s been one of my favorite things to watch. Fall Out Boy even played this song pre-release at one of the shows she went to last year. Iconic all around. As for my feelings captured here, I mean I was miserable. Fall had left me pretty exhausted. Not to mention that I got sick one final time after Christmas and it went on until the second week of the new year.

Snow Angel by Reneé Rapp

“I’ll make it through the winter if it kills me…”

I was more than a bit battered and bruised from all my wounds coming to the surface in therapy at the start of the year. No song really captured the power I found in the fragility of my broken heart like this one. The hardest thing was just realizing how my situation with my ex had brought out the all too familiar wound of not being chosen: by my crushes and my busy parents. And it dawned on me that I had become accustomed to self-abandoning. That made me sad and angry, but I became adamant about speaking up for myself because of it. It’s been scary to start speaking up but I’ve developed tiny bits of confidence with every attempt. As imperfect as they’ve been.

Therapy by Maisie Peters

“I still love you, but you’re taking me from your arms back to therapy…”

I felt so bad that I had missed Maisie’s album The Good Witch last year. But maybe it was meant to find me in January. Because when I tell y’all this album hit, it HIT. I felt so seen as I was sorting through all my feelings towards my ex because as soon as the holidays were done, that’s where I remembered feeling unfinished business. I remember trying to understand what I was still feeling. Was I mad at him? Was I sad about it? Did I still care about him? Was I ready to leave it all behind? I was wrestling with all of that and Maisie’s album helped me sort through it all. But one message from the album rose above to paint the clearest picture of what I was feeling — and it’s this one. In essence, he drove me to therapy. Not because he did something to specifically hurt me, but because his care of me woke me up to how deep my traumas ran and how scared I was of being my entire self with him…even though I was starting to feel safe being seen by him. It was the pull back that felt like a betrayal. It was destiny that he was the catalyst for this journey. And to heal, I had to let him leave (at least for a season) and truly mourn. I had to be ok with the possibility of never letting him see me again. And so I had to make it known I had been hurt.

World Burn by Reneé Rapp and the Mean Girls Cast

“I wanna watch the world burn…”

The only way I could hype myself up to tell my ex that he had hurt me was to put myself in a weird “Regina George” state of mind. As in, I literally sent the text I had been editing since November right before I went to see the Mean Girls movie musical with my friends. I was fully in the state of mind that I had no choice but make it known that I was hurt and I wasn’t here to take back my words. Probs not the healthiest state of mind but I did the damn thing and didn’t regret it.

Paint My Bedroom Black by Holly Humberstone

“Here’s to new horizons, so you kicked his lazy ass out of your life and suddenly you don’t hate yourself and now you’re flying…”

The way Holly Humberstone has read me to filth all of winter UGH. I will be discussing multiple songs of hers. This song really kicked it off though. I remember listening to it after I sent the message to my ex and then jetted off to Miami for a very healing weekend. It really felt so apt. While with friends in Miami, I started to find little things that were grounding me. It’s like my word of the year “integrate” was showing me the peace of what it feels like to be whole. This song reminds me of the freedom of that weekend and it’s grounded me as I’ve started taking action on things I need.

Tightrope by Quarters of Change

“We all fall down like…”

Ugh the new Quarters of Change album has been just scratching that itch for damn good gritty rock music. I found comfort in this song for the way it so gracefully walks through trying and failing. It talks about a relationship but I’ve been classically feeling it in a very internal way. It’s been hard not to be hard on myself for the faulty wiring I put in my brain as a way to cope with my life. But every therapy session I’ve gotten more used to being honest with myself and saying all I’m feeling, as overwhelming and complex as it is. I remember having a particularly bad day where I had a bad dream that I was rejected by my ex again, started spiraling about missing him, and couldn’t focus at work because of it. I brought that all in with me to therapy and just sobbed in my therapist’s office. I wasn’t sure why I was feeling it all and it was hard to unpack it all. But it was a reminder that being honest with myself was the only way to move through the feelings. I remember listening to this song and just receiving the grace of it.

Flesh and Bone by The Killers

“And what are you made of? Flesh and bone…”

I will remember the end of January as both a heartbreaking time and a time where I learned about love on a new level. I was helping care for Eden and her husband Nick by sometimes coming over and making dinner as they recovered from a really bad car accident (if you wanna help in their recovery donate here). This one night, Eden revealed that the cancer her mom had been in remission from for a few months had returned, spread, and was now terminal. My heart dropped to hear it. We sobbed together from the depths of our pain and it felt good to let it out together. It was such a beautiful moment of love that only deepened when I shared the grief I was dealing with from my therapy sessions and they told me they had room to help me grieve that too, even as they’d been grieving from the accident and Eden’s mom’s cancer. I remember leaving their place and feeling so thankful that I got to be human with my friends and we didn’t run away from each other. So I turned this song on in gratitude on the drive home. I’d never been so glad to be flesh and bone.

Don’t Forget Me by Maggie Rogers

“I’m still tryin’ to clean up my side of the street…”

I KNEW when Maggie Rogers said she’d be releasing on my birthday that I would find a message in there just for me. And she really said “we’re gonna work through your fear of intimacy one step at a time”. In the song she talks about friends that are getting married and how all she wants is “something [she] can handle”. I literally wrote a poem about that concept last year. I love that this song is so honest about taking the step to admit that you want the little things more than the big things. I’m not sure if I want to be in a relationship this year, but if it comes in a safety wrapped package, maybe I’ll be open to it.

Make Pretend by Juice

“But I feel like a pop star on the TV, wonder what I’ve gotta do for you to see me…”

I went to see the band Juice the day after my birthday, in true kellylivesatconcerts fashion. I was excited to hear this once live because for one reason or another I felt seen in it. I remember listening to this song and projecting the anxiety onto my ex, like literally picturing him still thinking about me and how he messed it up. I’m not gonna lie, I got some schadenfreude from that. But yeah, I was still thinking about him. Anyway, Juice is hella underrated — their latest EP is just good vibes.

Girlfriend by Cate

“He wants a girlfriend, but he doesn’t wanna be a boyfriend…”

By the time Valentine’s Day rolled around, I felt myself annoyed at all the happy couples talking about their situations. I was happy though that I had a song that explained my hurt feelings about my ex to sing the entire day. I found Cate’s music through Maisie Peters because they toured together. So when I heard this song among my Maisie Peters binge, I was like “glad to know I’m not alone here but I hate this for all of us!!”

When Did Your Heart Go Missing? by Rooney

“I don’t understand, how could you forget what we had…”

In true brokenhearted fashion, I went to a concert on Valentine’s Day with a friend to dance away the sadness. What I got was the most random night seeing Rooney and Friends (which included the actor Jason Schwartzman, his brother is the lead singer of Rooney). I discovered so many bangers from them since I only knew a handful of songs from them. But when I heard them play this song, it felt like I got to dance out all my angst. It was the best. This song is one of the best songs of all time, it deserves to be played at least 3 times in a row.

One Eyed Bastard by Green Day

“I never asked to hear your goddamned feelings. Get on your knees when you are kissin’ my ring…”

If you haven’t picked up on the back and forth yet, I spent February between “I don’t give a shit” and “I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s making me angry”. This song really helped me channel my anger. I definitely feel like I was unfairly projecting a lot of my anger towards my ex and someone else that was seemingly trying to flirt with me when I was really angry at the icky, deep-rooted feelings from my vicious cycles. Anger felt like the best way to cope with the fact that I had not only been ignored by many people in my life, but that I was so painfully used to self-abandoning. And so now it felt like the pendulum was swinging the other way where I didn’t give a shit about anyone.

The Feminine Urge by The Last Dinner Party

“Here comes the feminine urge, I know it so well, to nurture the wounds my mother held…”

Listening to The Last Dinner Party’s album made me feel like a badass woman. It’s really something so special for me to hear women in rock combine the whimsical with the raw and this band does that so well. I love the way this song paints the picture of converting poison into love. This song really describes the painful process of all the weighty things I’d been working through in therapy. The theme of nurturing all versions of myself really started to dominate my mind and spread to my soul. To the point where I started to think about the idea of one day having 2 girls (after famously saying it would have to take an act of God for me to want to have kids). I already have names picked out for them…yes they have song titles associated with them. The feminine urge I guess.

Never Need Me by Rachel Chinouriri

“And maybe I’ll regret not sticking around, but how can I swim if you’re pullin’ me down?”

Rachel Chinouriri gave me the biggest comfort in this song. Amidst the anger I was working through, I was trying to decide if isolating myself from my ex (who had made me feel seen at some point) and my old community had been worth it. In a way, I was remembering that in my present reality, I was free from it all so I could make new routines and memories that favored my wellbeing. You know, instead of stressing about the past. And so this song helped me detach from the past because in the present, I’ve been making strides in therapy, integrating into a new church community, staying connected to my friends in a very vulnerable way, and investing in my musical project. I was making space for myself and as a result, starting to assess if I had space for others in a new way.

Eyes Wide Shut by Alfie Templeman

“I’ve been living and loving with my eyes wide shut…”

Y’ALL I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE. Alfie played this song while on tour in the States like at the end of 2022 and I remember it being this quirky little bop that I needed in my hands ASAP. So yeah…I have been waiting for it SINCE THEN. But oh boy did it come out at the most poignant time for me. So a big breakthrough I’ve made in therapy is that whatever kindness I practice for myself, it gets easier for me to extend that to others in a genuine way. It’s literally made me feel like I’ve been living and loving with my eyes wide shut. And so all of a sudden, it got me to a place where I started to let go of the roles that people were playing in my life…because everyone, including me, is just trying their best. It’s been a process to throw out that old way of operating and I can’t even begin to explain how much of a piece of shit I’ve felt because of this ungraceful way of operating. But seriously, it’s made me feel like I am now able to practice empathy in the most authentic way.

SIXFT by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

“So don’t, don’t push me around. No I don’t wanna see you buried six feet underground…”

Even though I was making strides in understanding compassion in a new way, I was still feeling very guarded. And I felt seen in that when I heard the brilliant Dallon Weekes release the angst in the new IDKHOW album. I went to a listening party at a record store to hear this one and it was legit so cool to have that be my first experience with this album. I loved the way this song was like “fuck around and find out” (threateningly). I felt seen in it because I was sensing some flirty undertones from a friend I was DM’ing and it was annoying me. I like to think I shut that one down.

Second Chances by Rooney

“Don’t take it for granted, all you second chances…”

This song was one of the standouts from the Rooney show on Valentine’s Day. It’s a bouncy bop and it got me thinking about second chances. As I was starting to be more compassionate towards myself and being more real with my friends, I started thinking about if I would ever reach out to my ex again. Part of me wondered if there was a part of him that really missed me. I started seeing him watch my IG stories again and it kinda confirmed it. So then I had to ask myself if I was actually done with him.

Overkill by Holly Humberstone

“Maybe this time I’ll say something, something a little wild, out loud…”

Ah yes, Holly reading me to filth once again. I remember listening to her music and finding this gem to help me center in my goal of releasing a song in March. The song I’m working on feels a little wild to release because at a certain time it was the most vulnerable I was. That coupled with the new thoughts of assessing if I was ready to break my space from my ex really drove the sentiment of this song into my soul. At least I felt seen.

Shadowboxing by Hannah Connolly

“Easy living on the outside, head full of white lies…”

My friend Hannah released this wonderful hug of an album recently and I feel like I listened to it in the best way. It was a rainy evening in LA and I drove around a bit aimlessly (with the intent of getting home) while listening to it. I just felt held. I got to see her perform some songs from it and it just warmed my heart to see the joy pour out of her. Y’all gotta listen to it for some good, warm folky songs.

Supernatural by Ariana Grande

“It’s like supernatural, it’s taking over me, don’t wanna fight the fall…”

To say that the new Ariana Grande album tore me apart is an understatement. I straight up was writing out the last of my love letters for my friends and just feeling so called out by her honesty. From expressing her fears about breaking up to owning her whole self to cherishing an imperfect but honest relationship to pointing out the supernatural moments in love, I felt so seen. Supernatural stood out to me because truly as soon as I started to be nicer to myself, I started seeing signs that reminded me of my ex EVERYWHERE. So naturally I spiraled. But then I realized that while I had been dealing with attachment issues to him, I actually really did miss him and I was curious to know how he was doing now. It’s like I was starting to say “Kelly, what if we saw him as a whole person — not as my ex, not as a potential boyfriend, not as someone who disappointed me?” I wanted to reach out to him but without any expectations of what he could do for me. I just wanted to give him the chance to see me and to give him the chance to be seen by me.

Dive by Holly Humberstone

“So, before I let you in, tread lightly, just tread lightly…”

So with all that swirling inside me, I made the decision to reach out. I felt a mix of anxiety and anticipation as I sent the message. To calm my nerves, I turned on this song and basically screamed the lyrics into the void at God and him. Then I started listening to one of my audiobooks in queue as I went on a looooong walk. Needless to say, the last weekend of winter really encapsulated the entire season: from the mix of overwhelming feelings to the compassionate processing to the seeking out of help from friends and self-soothing as I take risks. It’s like I’m developing the confidence to dive in and then invite others into it. As messy as it all feels, it’s worth it and it does get easier.

Albums/EPs you gotta listen to: ORQUÍDEAS by Kali Uchis, Portraits by Quarters of Change, Nothing Like a Dream by Juice, Saviors by Green Day, Prelude to Ectasy by The Last Dinner Party, GLOOM DIVISION by IDKHOW, Inner Light (Phase 1) by Kid Bloom, Shadowboxing by Hannah Connolly, eternal sunshine by Ariana Grande, Underdressed at the Symphony by Faye Webster, work in progress by Holly Humberstone

This might be the first Winter I’ve been really grateful for the arc. It’s felt entirely too messy for my past liking but I’ve come to appreciate the way I’ve really felt like a seed planted. I’ve had to break out of the tough shell but now that I’m planted and getting water and sunlight, I’m really starting to grow. It’s an incremental growth but I’m becoming grateful for it. Because everything really does happen in its own time. Oh spring, I pray you have something beautiful for me.