The biggest thing I’ve been wrestling with for the past year is what to do when good things end.

I’ve been grieving my last relationship for the past year but as of the first Wednesday of June I found out I was being laid off. Yes, the job I loved so much — that literally changed my life — was letting me go.

Heartbreaking news, but also an inexplicable feeling of renewed hope and immense gratitude.

It’s been so weird to compare this recent breakup and this job ending to my previous breakup and my previous job ending. They really couldn’t be more different.

The last time I grieved a relationship and the last time I grieved a job ending, I was mad as all hell for seeing the ways I had been taken advantage of and had gotten so disconnected from myself. It took a really long time to recover emotionally/spiritually.

But this time, both the relationship and the job ending made me feel more like myself, it’s just that it had to end due to powers beyond me. As if God stepped in saying “it’s time to go, I have something even better planned” and the endings had just been a step on the way to that.

It’s so hard to wrestle with God and wonder why things happened the way they did and more so why in the grand scheme of my life now. But it’s the biggest blessing to sit in it and realize that it grew me in ways that I didn’t know I needed.

With my last relationship, I saw what it was like for someone so beautifully complicated to pursue me and invest in me. It made all the unrequited love situations I’d experienced in my life pale in comparison that I just couldn’t take them seriously anymore. It felt amazing to realize “wow, someone this cool can see me and think I’m someone special.” As much as I wanted to see it bloom, it needed to be pruned. And even as it had been pruned, I longed for the opportunity to reattach the branches.

With my job ending, I similarly had the opportunity to realize what it’s like to be in an organization that celebrates who I am and let me explore all the things that I can do. For God’s sakes, I finally started producing my own music after literally half my life feeling like I didn’t deserve to! I got to experience so many different sides of marketing and wear so many hats there that I have a wealth of experience and knowledge in what it takes to run successful campaigns. And crucially, I got to be in literally the most supportive environment to do all of this. Every person I’ve met through my time at Output has been so cool and inspiring that it’s been a huge blessing to now be considered one of the cool people that worked there.

Saying goodbye is always tough, but more so when you have more good that came from it than things that were bad. It’s like as much as you want to be angry or just be sad about it, you can’t help but feel the swirls of thankfulness for it. So that’s the complicated feeling this playlist speaks to.

P.S. I’m taking some time to think through what’s coming next but I’ll obviously have time to be here again, now won’t we? Stay tuned for the Spring recap next week.

Highlights

End of Beginning by The Beaches (Like a Version cover)

“Another version of me, I was in it. I wave goodbye to the end of beginning…”

Leave it to The Beaches to soundtrack an ending one more time. I played this song on a loop as I left the office for the last time. I was so sad but I was driving off into the sunset waving goodbye to the place that had truly raised me. The big theme of my year has been “integrate”, aka how do I accept every part of me and every era I’ve been through with the necessary grace? This song is a hint. I can hold the sadness of leaving a time I thought of so fondly, but I can also know somewhere in my bones that new beginnings are calling for me.

Sad To Breathe by The Japanese House

“’Cause you’re right and I’m trying to change myself but it’s tiring…”

Perhaps one of the hardest things about this season of life I’ve been in is how long I’ve been in it. I remember crying to this song in March of this year and I couldn’t tell why. The reality is I’d been grieving for basically an entire year now. From leaving my old church community to my ex and I stopping in our tracks to this recent layoff, everything’s been falling apart for quite some time now. And it’s been tiring. I’m not around anyone outside my family that I shared my day to day life with for the past 3 years. And it sucks to acknowledge that. The air around me has been sad to breathe for so long. But that’s the thing with good endings, they seem to come in waves.

i wish i hated you by Ariana Grande

“Wish there was worse to you. I wish you were worse to me. Yeah, I wish I hated you…”

Yeah this is the quintessential feeling I’m dealing with lately. When good things end, you want so badly to focus on what went wrong with the other party. But it gets hard to focus on the bad when the good so much outweighs it. I could sit here and disparage my ex for the way he disappointed me in the end. But I’d rather focus on how he made me feel wanted and beautiful and desirable for once in my life. I’d never had that power before. I could sit here and focus on the unfortunate business circumstances or the little ways I might not have been trying hard enough that led to my layoff. But I’d rather focus on the way that my time there brought me from the darkness and into the light. It’s kinda sad to wish someone did worse to you because ending things badly somehow feels easier.

Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift

“Chandelier’s still flickering here ’cause I can’t pretend it’s ok when it’s not. It’s death by a thousand cuts…”

I thought I had graduated from the Tortured Poets Department this Spring but it seemed like I needed to come back for one more class. I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor lately because I too dated a Matty Healy character last year but this song somehow captures all the swirling emotions of that relationship ending and my job ending. I know what she means by death by a thousand cuts: as a writer myself, the hardest part of letting go of something good is the need to capture everything as a creative memento. And those little sparks of inspiration from the past don’t just stop overnight. They need to be hashed out in poems, songs, blog posts, journal entries, wherever my words can lead me.

happiness by Taylor Swift

“After giving you the best I had, tell me what to give after that…”

Fuck it, this playlist has a lot of T-Swift songs. But this one perfectly captures the complicated emotions of when good things end. I sobbed to this one as I drove to my best friends Katie and Seb’s house to explain that I’d lost my job earlier in the day. I was trying so quickly to focus on the joy and gratitude from my time at my job that the immense sadness and confusion and little tinges of bitterness needed to exist too. I’ve been learning to integrate all my emotions and I’m really grateful for the space Taylor created in this song.

Better Than This by Lizzy McAlpine

“Someone will love me better than this…”

I heard Lizzy’s album when it came out and I remember being struck by this song for the way it seemed to deliver me a message about my unresponsive ex. It helped me take a step in getting over him because I realized that I will experience someone loving me better than this. I saw her play this song live in that in-between period before I heard the news about my job. And now I have a new reason to keep crying because there will be a better career turn on the horizon.

Antología by Shakira

“Tu me hiciste ver el cielo más profundo…”

This sad love song was with me in my childhood and teenage years, so it’s fitting it’s here with me right now. It’s the definition of yearning but I love how it focuses on what Shakira learned from her relationship. And it’s truly refreshing to know that she was writing from that perspective as a teenager. I definitely have written more than 100 songs from this time in my life and I can’t wait to share them with the world. And it’s this time that’s showed me that my voice matters so I should do it.

Dispose of Me by Omar Apollo

“It don’t matter if it’s twenty-five days, it was real love…”

My boy (as my old manager called him once) got me with this song. I remember feeling over my ex when it was released and being like “but I’m done being sad about my ex?” and now this song takes on a new meaning. I really appreciate Omar calling out different lengths of time because I’ve seen that even short-lived things make a greater impact. I do feel crazy being so hung up on someone that I only dated for a month or so, but then I remember the impact that he had. Same goes with my time at my last job. Three years really changed my life. And it’s not gonna be easy to let it go.

I’ll Always Remember You by Hannah Montana

“For you, the world just opens up. But it’s so hard to say “goodbye”…”

If you would’ve told me that this week I’d cry to a Hannah Montana song, I would’ve told you “yikes, that bad?” Yeah I guess so. The beautiful thing about it is that I know I’m doing a good job integrating my past selves when I’m unafraid to go back for the songs that hit me as a girl. The way this one hit me really caught me off guard. This is such a wise song and Miley sings it with such sincerity that I forgot it’s technically Hannah singing. This song really so gracefully says it all.

Sprite by COIN

“Don’t lose me again…”

The ironic thing about this song is that I listened to it ON REPEAT the Spring before I got hired by my last job. It captured the hope I felt as I allowed myself to take this step to return to myself. And return to myself I did. Truthfully the past three years have shown me what the steps of connecting to myself does. And that’s why the gratitude has been overwhelming. It’s been insane to hear how everyone I worked with noticed the glow and the warmth just radiating from me. I don’t anticipate an end to that honestly. It’s just time to glow somewhere else.

Happy Goodbye by Never Ending Fall

“Think that I’m falling out of love…”

All I wanted from these endings is a happy goodbye. But it’s been heartbreaking to notice the little moments where I was starting to fall out of love. I was skeptical of my ex for so long because I didn’t know what his intentions really were at the start. But as I started to see the little moments of effort that were new to me, I didn’t want it to end. It was when he started treating me as something that he needed to prove to be connected to for whatever reason that started to make me fall out of love. In regards to my job, I reached an important milestone in December and the questions of “what’s next?” started popping up. I was trying to figure it out by trying new things but I couldn’t find my footing. Before I knew it, I found myself wondering why I wasn’t as excited by the day to day as I was by the people and what they were doing. It’s never fun to recognize those feelings and so it’s easy to ignore them for so long. But the reality is that even things that were once everything to you start to lose their shine.

This Was a Home Once by Bad Suns

“And as one chapter ends, another chapter begins…”

You know I’m returning to myself when there’s a Bad Suns song jumping out like a tarot card from a deck. This song hit me like a ton of bricks the day I got the news about my layoff. I hadn’t been feeling anything too deeply lately and to soak in this song, opened the floodgates. I’ve only related this song to my family in the past, but it felt very appropriate when I thought of my last job. Because it truly was a home for me. I became accustomed to so many things and the thought of not having it anymore does feel like I’ve left my home. But I can recognize as the love of my life Christo Bowman sings that this place was where “my life begun, where life moves on.”

For Good by The Cast of Wicked

“Because I knew you, I have been changed for good…”

This song was the first song I thought of for this playlist. I still remember learning to sing this song at my first singing class. Our recital was all Wicked songs and we went to see it at the Pantages. But yeah, this song captures the essence of the deep gratitude I have been feeling lately. Having gone through so many endings in the past year, it’s been weird to realize that they needed to happen in a way. It’s really weird to compare them to the natural endings of graduation from my schooling years. Because yeah, 3-4 years really grows you by just time doing its thing. But, I’m glad that this song has been with me.

Hard To Say Goodbye, My Love by The Cast of Dreamgirls

“It’s not that I don’t love you deeply. You were my family. It’s just that I’m feeling there’s so much more waiting out there for you and me…”

Ah yes another musical number. I can’t deny the theatre kid in me. This song really feels like appropriate here. I was in this show my sophomore year of high school and I remember being in a really low point during the rehearsals period (that’s a playlist for another day I think). When we were closing this musical, I remember feeling so accomplished and like it carried me into a brighter time. And that’s exactly what it’s doing for me now. It’s so hard to say goodbye to my ex and especially my last job…but I can’t help but wonder about the bigger world waiting for me.

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

“Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten…”

A classic graduation song, this one really captures the energy I’m approaching this summer with. It’s also really funny since my old big boss at my last job, Joey, got me on the wavelength with this song by commenting on my big IG post. But this song really is the end credits song here. I’m literally getting on a plane to London and Paris for the first time tomorrow and it’s as if it truly is the beginning of a new, exciting chapter. I still have so many goals to accomplish like putting out my music and going to live abroad for a bit and it feels kind of good to realize that even with major endings, there’s still so much to hope for.