(Disclaimer: when you read this post I will be gallivanting around Paris so please know I will not be as sad as this reads.)

To quote the great Hayley Williams, “alright it took me three days to send you this, but — uh sorry, I was in a depression. And I’m trying to come out of it now.” Yes this Spring, I’ve been more absent on the blog than I thought…I’ve not been doing well emotionally/spiritually. But I’m here now and I’m trying, especially after a major ending marked the end of the season. There’s something weirdly hopeful about the grief though.

The only way to wrap up Spring 2024 is to share some of the songs on my playlist and thoughts on new releases from the season. Stick around for the full playlist.

So uh, whatever rut I was in during winter seemed to have gotten worse in Spring. And I have to come out my denial phase to say so. I mentioned that I spent a lot of time grieving in Winter 2023 and it’s been hard to get out of it because I didn’t know how deep it ran. Basically I’d been grieving every version of myself without even knowing. I was just feeling really out of it and dissociating often. It all started at the beginning of Spring, when I was getting ready to re-reach out to my ex to extend some sort of friendly olive branch because I thought I had space to navigate that again. However, I was met with silence and it hurt all over again. I knew this would be a possibility but it felt like it was twice as hard to get up from it — as if the inner critic I’d been doing so well at keeping at bay decided to take over. I began feeling paralyzed by little things and before I knew it I’d fallen back into my little cave again, choosing to dissociate instead of trying new things. Every day felt hard. And worst of all, I wasn’t celebrating the little things like going on a walk after work. All of a sudden I began ignoring the progress I made on my goal to make the bones of each demo of the songs I hoped to release. I began dissociating so bad that I wondered if anyone besides my therapist noticed. It wasn’t until my daydreaming at work about moving to a foreign country caught up to the way my role at work began to diminish. The night before I got the news that I had been laid off, I journaled that if I were to lose this, it would be the last thing keeping me in LA. As heartbreaking as it was to hear it, I couldn’t help but feel like this has been God’s way of clearing the path for me to take a big leap. After all, all these endings from the past year had to mean something. Now I don’t know what the future truly holds, but it feels like now more than ever I need to trust in my dreams and be guided by my intuition.

So yeah, are the songs of this season secretly depressing and all over the place? Yes, but so was I then. I need this reminder to understand that it’s only when we hit the lows that we can look up to the world of possibilities that opens up. So let’s dive into the soundtrack of Spring 2024.

Highlights

Sunshine Baby by The Japanese House

“I don’t know what’s right anymore, I don’t wanna fight anymore…”

This song really captures the ‘almost gone’ feeling of me dissociating. I was craving a shock to my system, like “the feeling that you get when someone fits just like a glove.” I felt like I was kinda just moving through life and this song hung over me ominously. It’s as if the sunshine on me during my walks was so desperately trying to bring life into my spirit. Listening back to it, this song really had words for me then and it made sense why I left it on repeat. Not to mention the Matty Healy background vocals.

eternal sunshine by Ariana Grande

“I’ll be the first to say I’m sorry…”

I really tried to fight the voice of my inner critic telling me that I was foolish for reaching out to my ex. After all, he had started acting so weird and cowardly towards me when we were trying to be friends. But I never got the chance to call him out until it was too late. I still don’t know if he unfollowed me after ignoring me. I think about it after, along with the occasional daydream of what life would’ve looked like if we had actually tried. This song definitely came with a one two punch after I found out about my job. But let’s discuss that later. If anything, Ariana’s album is a strong contender for my album of the year.

Run Your Mouth by The Marías

“Yeah, I’ll wait for you to turn around and talk it through, but we won’t…”

This band knows how to craft a VIBE lemme tell ya. The angst in this song really spoke to the ennui I was feeling. I couldn’t tell why I was so bored with my life and I really didn’t want anyone telling me what to do. What I wanted was someone to talk with me. Thankfully I was sustained by hangouts with my friends and joining a small group at my church. But it didn’t feel enough. I missed my ex because he was the last new person that seemed to get me and all the new people I was meeting were chill but not electrifying to my soul. So as hard as I was trying to let it go, I was trapped by it.

So Sick of Dreaming by Maggie Rogers

“Oh, ’cause I’m so sick of dreamin’. Oh, and I’m all that I’m needin’…”

Maggie Rogers really knocked it out of the park with her latest album. I found myself going back to this one for the way it was powering the side of me that was healthily telling me to stop thinking about my ex. Because yeah, what good was dreaming doing me? Especially because it had almost decentered me and was operating at an ideal of my ex. Not to mention getting back on the apps was ABYSMAL. I told myself I needed to just focus on taking care of myself, and that made the biggest difference.

Nos Despedimos by BEL

“Nos despedimos felices, hope you laugh when you see this. No going back and I mean it…”

I saw BEL open for one of my favorite artists, Gatlin, back in October and I immediately became interested in what she was doing. This song really felt like a balm to my soul. It’s dreamy, it’s in Spanglish, and it was helping me craft my mood shift. I was trying to stop thinking about my ex so much by reminding myself that I did all I could. This song validated me in that.

Spite by Omar Apollo

“Why you gotta ruin every night? 50k, I spend it out of spite…”

Omar came SWINGING with this one. The angst really bubbled up for me to leave this one on repeat. Because yeah, thinking about my ex (and that time before I in retaliation watched his IG stories when he ignored me) was RUINING EVERY NIGHT. I was operating from so much spite that I almost extended my Europe to go to Italy by myself since he said he had always wanted to go. (I didn’t end up doing it because I stopped caring lol.) God knows I’ve wanted new Omar Apollo music and the fact that his new album coming this summer is called “God Said No” just means he’s about to punch me in the face. But seriously the songs he’s put out so far for this project have been BOPS. You better believe I’m gonna be back here screaming about him again.

YA YA by Beyoncé

“World of wind got you insane, yeah. It’s givin’ me the faith…”

Beyoncé’s COWBOY CARTER is ART. I fully anticipated it to be a country album, but it is SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. This song was one of my favorites on the album for the way I can just tell the performance of this song will be electrifying. Literally just picturing it has given me chills. An absolute listen if you for some reason didn’t.

I Can’t Wait To Be British by Carol Ades

“Once I get to London I will pretend I do not have problems…”

I heard Carol Ades open for The Aces back in October too. I don’t remember how I came across this one because she didn’t play it then. But lemme tell ya, this song definitely found me. I was not happy this spring, as much as I tried to get my endorphins up with my almost daily walks. It was definitely a temporary high. This song really has been saying everything I’ve been feeling, down to the teenage dream of running off to London coming true.

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus by Taylor Swift

“You needed me, but you needed drugs more. And I couldn’t watch it happen…”

Taylor Swift launched The Tortured Poets Department and made me realize that I too dated Matty Healy last year. This song broke my heart as I bawled my way through the album. It felt cathartic to cry so messily to this song and so many songs on the album. The album definitely earned the critiques of being too unedited, but I also recognize that something about the unedited approach made me feel seen. As if I was allowed to be silly and scathing in the songs I was writing about my ex and this time in my life as a whole. I really clung to this album because it made me feel less alone and less crazy for not wanting to let go of the past.

Good Luck, Babe! by Chappell Roan

“Think I’m gonna call it off, even if you call it love. I just wanna love someone who calls me ‘baby’…”

The only song that was able to speak to both how I was feeling towards me AND my ex was this stellar song. Especially as we crossed both the anniversary of the day we met and his birthday, I had to wrestle with the fact that I was both sad and angry at him for messing this up. Because this could have been so different. Good luck to him for whatever he deserves but also good luck to me trying to avoid the grief process taking a little longer than I thought. But hey, thank God the world is watching Chappell Roan take over the world. AS SHE SHOULD.

Keys To Your Civic by Last Dinosaurs

“Show me what this place is, take me where you want to go…”

I was so close to mustering up the energy to write a whole blog post about this song. It really represents me lifting my eyes up to God like “alright, You tell me what’s next”. I became obsessed with this catchy little tune and lowkey fell in love with Lachlan from Last Dinosaurs because of it. Their latest album is so cool because both Lachlan and his brother Sean wrote half of the album and they split it up into two EPs (named after their middle names might I add!). The concept is so cool and honestly it’s been amazing to witness the art that went into this album rollout. You gotta listen to the whole thing.

Vortex by Lizzy McAlpine

“Oh, oh, someday, I’ll be able to let you go. Oh, oh, someday, I’ll be kinder to myself…”

I was struck by Lizzy’s album Older in such a quiet, introspective way. It was when I saw her play at the Greek in May that I could tell I was starting to really let my ex go. It took so long but I had to re-remind myself what I had learned and the permission I had been given to have a passionate little affair. This song really charted the journey of me being kinder to myself.

There It Goes by Maisie Peters

“Sunflowers in the kitchen, a heartbreak in remission, the universe is shifting and it’s all for me…”

I’ve been crying to this song all season. And it’s wild to acknowledge that all of these things in this song can come to fruition. This song first got me when I was starting to fully let my ex go and trying to daydream about things that were good for me. It got me so good that I needed to do a little cover of it on my Instagram. I was literally brought to tears imagining the good things that this song describes. Because if I’m to practice a newfound self-compassion, I’m worthy of good. The sadness did come back when I got the news about my job, but that’s how I knew God is orchestrating something big. Only time will tell what that is.

Emotional Vacation by Stephen Sanchez

“If you got time and love to waste it, emotional vacation, I can be the one you need…”

It was EXHAUSTING to try to deal with everything emotionally happening to me. So yeah, whatever an emotional vacation is, I needed that. I love the vibes my favorite troubadour created with his past album and the deluxe songs just felt so right. It’s such a kind and summery song but it hits different among the angst in this playlist.

Little Chaos by Orla Gartland

“I’m your friend, I’m your girl, I’m your little chaos…”

God I love when Orla Gartland reads me to filth. Especially as I’ve been on the journey to embrace my inner teenager, this song feels anthemic. I have loved getting into this mode of allowing myself to be messy. The funny thing about it is that I KNOW even when I think I’m at my messiest, I still have an air of diplomacy. So Libra moon of me honestly. But yeah, this song helps me embrace the more chaotic parts of me so beautifully.

It Is What It Is by Rachel Chinouriri

“It is what it is, what it is is a problem…”

Rachel read me GOOOOD with this song. And her entire album is amazing. But this song really is a standout track for me because of how REAL it is. To be completely honest, this song helped me see how mad my friends were from my ex treating me so weirdly. And all while I had been “it is what it is”-ing my way through it, it’s given me the ability to say that I don’t ever want to be treated like that ever again. Friends really do give the best perspective.

the fear is not real by WILLOW

“The fear isn’t real, the battle’s not mine…”

WILLOW’s latest album was such a welcome surprise of truly gorgeous and genius genre mixing. This one stood out to me as I figured out that fear was lurking in my general sense of ennui/boredom in life at this time. So it was such a welcoming thing to hear WILLOW walk through the messy feeling of unpacking why I am the way I am.

L’AMOUR DE MA VIE by Billie Eilish

“But I wish you the best for the rest of your life…”

Billie came in swinging with this album and for me, this song scathingly said all I needed to say about my ex from now on. I truly don’t know how or if he moved on but also don’t care enough to look into it. He definitely lied to me when he invited me to reach out when I had space again but it’s just sad now. I do appreciate that he apologized for hurting me but it just went to show me that if a man isn’t willing to come correct, then he shouldn’t come at all and there’s no use for me to get hung up on it anymore. For all I know I could’ve been the love of his life, but I’m pretty sure the fallout of it proved he was not mine. Thanks Billie, for snapping me out of it.

erase me by Lizzy McAlpine ft. Jacob Collier

“I’ve said too much, in and out of wanting us. Now you’re fading and I wonder who will erase me…”

I clung to this absolute BOP as I processed the Lizzy McAlpine concert. It really helped me move through the ickier parts of my grief about my ex and my job ending. Fading isn’t fun to notice or take part in but it’s inevitable with human nature it seems. Before you know it, your heart’s not in it and you wonder how long that’s been going on. I will always wonder why those two things that were so special to me ended in this time, but I can’t dismiss the fact that something in my soul knew it wasn’t where I was supposed to stay. Just wish it had been a clearer ending.

Nothing Matters by The Last Dinner Party

“Even when the cold comes crashing through, I’m putting all my bets on you. I hope they never understand us…”

The ennui was back as I was trying to avoid spiraling about work. I had no idea what to do to stop it except leave this song on repeat. This song was enchanting to me, although I definitely tried to understand why I was happily singing along to the words “nothing matters.” It was definitely the depression kicking in as the fading was happening. But honestly, this lyric from the bridge felt good to direct back to myself as I realized that a new chapter was coming for me.

You’re On Your Own, Kid by Taylor Swift

“Everything you lose is a step you take…”

With all the sadness of this season, I can’t help but realize that I have a true responsibility to take good care of myself when endings come. Especially when good things end. I’ve been doing my darndest to speak kinder to myself in this time because circumstances-wise it is hard. But I’m not hopeless. I feel like the world has opened up and truly like something big is coming. And I have come to realize that these two endings I’m letting go of had a part in restoring my faith in what’s meant for me.

Albums/EPs you gotta listen to: Submarine by The Marías, Deeper Well by Kacey Musgraves, Don’t Forget Me by Maggie Rogers, Las Mujeres Ya No Lloran by Shakira, TYLA by Tyla, COWBOY CARTER by Beyoncé, Found Heaven by Conan Gray, I’M DOING IT AGAIN BABY! by girl in red, Clockwork by Sophia James, KYORYU by Last Dinosaurs, Older by Lizzy McAlpine, What a Devastating Turn of Events by Rachel Chinouriri, empathogen by WILLOW, HIT ME HARD AND SOFT by Billie Eilish, Clancy by Twenty One Pilots

Well, this Spring has been tough. But the self-compassion I’ve developed has really been my biggest strength. It’s a challenge everyday to choose to be kinder to myself because it’s not helpful for me to remain so hard on myself. So I tried and I failed, that means I keep going. Good things have come to an end so it only means better is coming. Summer, I can’t even begin to figure out what you have for me. But just know I will be bumping Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter in a non-dissociative way.