I knew there was a reason I put a picture of WILLOW on my yearly mood board and I’m really seeing why now.

Hi everyoneee, I’m back to ponder about all things music and artistry. I’m doing a lot better than the last few times I checked in on the blog, literally thank God. I’ll share more about the exciting new developments in next month’s end of season recap. 😌

But back to WILLOW — I’ve been realizing that no one’s really been able to articulate most of what my inner teenager has been screaming for years, until lately when I’ve been diving more deeply into WILLOW’s music.

I first heard of WILLOW (aka Willow Smith aka Will Smith’s daughter) when I was a teenager and she was whipping her hair back and forth.

It was kitschy but it’s not not a bop! This song epitomized the 2012 pop vibe. As much as I remember making fun of it with my friends in high school, it did in fact get me to whip my hair back and forth. And you best believe Kidz Bop ate it UP.

But time went by and Willow grew up. Obviously so did I. And then in the thick of 2020, her music began to resonate with me on a molecular level.

A lot of my memories in 2020 featured her dreamy alternative music acting as a soothing potion amidst the darkness I waded through.

Whether it was the virality of “Meet Me At Our Spot” or the way “Wait a Minute!” described the deep inner turmoil about my work that I was trying to assuage, I was impressed by the art WILLOW was making.

Then in 2021 she made what felt like a sharp turn into pop punk — and it WORKED. I was intrigued by it and I could tell she was being intentional about this sonic direction. I mean she got Travis Barker on one of her first songs, that’s like major street cred.

Most recently (and what prompted me to muse about her now), I’ve been finding myself again finding comfort in the way she articulates all the complicated things in her song “symptom of life”.

The song feels almost a bit frantic in its melodic weaving. But it somehow makes the most sense to me in this season I’ve been in.

I’ve very clearly been going through my Saturn return and it’s been hard to fight off the darkness of the endings I’ve experienced. But what’s been standing out to me is how much I’ve been shocked into life again. See, for the past year or so, I’ve been trying to figure out what is really wrong with me…because I knew it was deeper than just how some guy hadn’t treated me well romantically.

Well, after a year of doing the work, it turns out nothing is really that wrong with me. But there is a side of me that I’ve ignored.

Literally since I was a teenager, I’ve repressed my inner teenager — ignoring her calls to rebel within reason and live like the rockstar she wants me to be. And it’s been a doozy of a time committing to sit with my inner teenager. I’ve slowly learned and come to accept the messiness of life and the messiness of myself, finally understanding that there’s no point to putting up a facade. The result is a freer, more honest version of myself, brimming with creative ideas and opinions.

It’s a brand new muscle for me to check in with my inner teenager and actually talk with her about all the little cues she gives me. All of a sudden, I’ve been noticing how things affect me, how much my nervous system goes into overdrive from the same triggers, and more positively, how much joy can radiate from me.

And no one’s been able to articulate the depth of the emotion quite like WILLOW.

WILLOW’s a fascinating artist for the way she lets herself really explore different sides of alternative music. From dreamy R&B to raw pop punk to the most enchanting alternative project with her latest album, her music has made my crucially ignored inner teenager feel seen and even just a little more understood. I mean the angsty photo of her from an issue of Alternative Press perfectly represents that side of me on my word of the year board. And for that I rejoice in her music. So let me dive into some of my favorites from her.

Highlights

Wait a Minute!

“But I’m here right now…”

I listened to this song like a toddler clutches their baby blanket during the pandemic. Something about it was so comforting amidst the chaos around me. And even now, it transports me into that feeling of trying to self-soothe while driving through an emptier version of LA. The production of this song just reflects the inside of my brain at the time: a thousand ideas taking center stage at different moments but somehow there’s space for it all. I just love this song.

t r a n s p a r e n t s o u l (ft. Travis Barker)

“I can see right through, just so you know…”

This song reminds me of the time in the pandemic when I was really letting myself get angry about my pre-pandemic ex. And truly my inner teenager knows when someone’s full of shit based on vibes. I’ve been in process of needing to distance myself from a friend that once matched my escapist tendencies and it’s like I can hear my inner teenager say “dude you need to stop hanging out with her, I don’t look up to her anymore”. And it’s only been validated by me talking to my best friends about how frustrated this girl is making me. Intuition is a funny thing.

curious/furious

“And I never wanna talk about it. I just wanna sit in my room instead, that’s what I said…”

This song reads like my inner dialogue. I spend a lot of time pondering how to wade through my emotions, aka I rationalize a lot. Call it my Libra moon doing its thing or what but I’ve been learning that sometimes my feelings can’t be rationalized…sometimes I just need to feel it. The most recent way I’ve been experiencing that is still somehow grieving my ex from last year. I’m at the point where I know I don’t need him in my life because it’s clear he had some shit to go through (and I hope he’s doing well with that) BUT I can’t help but miss him. It’s further complicated by the fact that I’ve been dating a very nice Parisian man this summer and it’s like my nervous system has had a restart. I hate feeling guilt about how I’m still grieving but like WILLOW sings, “that’s all in your mind”.

WHY?

“I just wanna stop asking myself, “Why?” I don’t wanna keep bein’ alone. Isolation got me goin’ psycho…”

WILLOW got me good here. I’ve been isolating so much for the last year and it’s been really hard on a natural extrovert like myself. Slowly I’ve been getting back to it but it has SUCKED moonlighting as a homebody as a default. Tbh that’s why I’ve been wanting to live abroad again. I would love to have a reason to interact with friendly strangers on a daily basis. Would be nice to have more opportunities to get outside my head.

b i g f e e l i n g s

“I have such big feelings. Can’t shut ‘em down or let ‘em out…”

I mean if this isn’t the most inner teenager set of lyrics. I remember hearing this song for the first time during my first listen of empathogen and immediately feeling so seen. I really appreciate how WILLOW just says it. This song also reflects the way I’ve been learning that self-compassion is really the antidote. Learning about that concept in therapy has been just crucial. So good that I need to share with y’all a playlist of self-compassion bops that have been crucial to my emotional wellbeing this year.

run!

“This pattern, it’s maddening. Making a tragedy happen. It’s not even real. Oh, no, I can’t get out…”

I love the way WILLOW talks about vicious cycles here. As someone who’s been in the process of breaking a few cycles, I feel super understood by this song. Of course, my default has been running away from the problem. And she’s captured the sound of it so perfectly. I really love how her music tends to hold the tension of a few concepts. It has been the biggest challenge to understand that multiple things can be true at the same time. But there’s been so much freedom in that.

the fear is not real

“Never wanna let me fall to pieces, but it’s funny ’cause I think I need it…”

Again, this perfectly describes the process I’ve been in. So much of my life has fallen apart in the past year and I know it’s been needed. Of course it’s sucked breaking up with probably the first real love of my life, leaving my old church community, restarting therapy to deal with my deep rooted self-abandonment issues, and getting laid off from the job I loved. But like WILLOW says here, moving through the fear of my ego falling apart is necessary. As a result, I’ve found freedom in deconstructing my entire self concept.

false self

“My false self must die, it’s no surprise. I wanna know me, but I can’t hear my thoughts…”

In essence, this song explains the exact process I’ve been in while doing my inner teenager work. By embracing my inner teenager, I’ve been letting the fake version of me die. The old version of me with a savior complex. The one with people-pleasing tendencies stemming from a fear of intimacy AND abandonment. That version of me has always been so terribly lonely and scared of being misunderstood that she’s dulled herself to not have opinions about things. And it’s been so freeing to say to that version of me that there’s space for all the thoughts you have about anything. Slowly, I’m feeling like a more integrated version of myself…and that’s really been the goal this year all along.