“Was it hidden in the cards that I’d lose you? Was it written in the stars that we’d meet a little too soon?”

-Blue Moon, NIKI

I recently heard someone say that it’s never that you fall IN love with someone, it’s that they’re the catalyst to seeing the love in you. I think I learned that in the last couple years from a relationship that really meant a lot to me.

On April 27, 2023, I met someone who changed my life from the moment we met. It was a first date that had far-reaching implications that I couldn’t see coming. And it all started with a tap on the shoulder, a greeting, a turn around, and a hug to say hello, nice to meet you.

This playlist and post is a tribute to the love story that started from that moment.

This meeting was filled with so many synchronicities that I still can’t make sense of to this day. Including the fact that a few short hours into this date, I’d be giving him an electrifying first kiss to say ‘happy birthday, I’m so happy to be with you right now’. I probably will never make sense of all the synchronicities that happened during the length of time we knew each other.

I tried to be cavalier about how badly I wanted this relationship to happen, saying repeatedly “I’m not here to waste time, but I’m here to waste time (with someone special).” My actions said otherwise — I wanted to spend all the time I could with this person.

But our individual immaturities caught up to us. All of a sudden, the magic between us began to feel daunting for the both of us. While I braced myself to face it afraid, he retreated into an avoidance that felt way too familiar to me. I ended things then because I had convinced myself I wasn’t that invested. Some months later, I extended an olive branch to start a friendship.

As I strived to give him a chance at friendship, he became eager to connect with me…without actually connecting with me. What resulted was a frustrating and confusing set of interactions where he wasn’t saying what he really wanted and neither was I. These interactions were still somehow important synchronicities in our story.

I tried to be his friend but his inconsistency ended up triggering my deepest wounds so bad that I spiraled out and started a new season of therapy. After a bit of healing, I mustered up the courage to tell him that he hurt me. Which I’d never done. He owned up to it, saying that he wished he hadn’t hurt me due to his “inability to get his shit together”. After a bit more healing, I went back to extend a second olive branch after realizing that I did still care about him and maybe even loved him. But his silence in response caused the heartbreak to set in finally.

I’ve been grieving this situation for so long now and I can’t help but feel like a chairwoman of the tortured poets department because of it. It’s not my fault that my love life felt like a romantic drama for the past 2 years. This relationship taught me so many things from learning how to grieve to developing a sense of self-compassion for once to finally getting it through my thick skull that I am worthy of love that is magical and messy and transformative. And I should be with someone that is not afraid of the mess.

There’s never really been a perfect time to make this playlist and blog post. I’ve wanted to make it so many times over the past year but I struggled deciding if I was truly “over it” enough to do so. I decided it’s time I accept the fact that this heartache might hurt for the rest of my life. And that’s ok.

Coming to that conclusion has been equal parts tragic and romantic but I know that I’ve learned so much about myself through this whole thing. And that’s made me feel ready to move on.

So that said, let me gather all the songs that soundtracked this love that felt so special, that I keep stored in my heart like a rusted locket.

To the person this playlist is about: I’ve missed you everyday since we met two years ago. I honestly miss you more than I care to publicly admit because I haven’t been able to decide if it’s harmful to me to continue to hold this love for you. But I pray for you every time I think about you. I hope God is working a lot of good in your life. I’ve written some songs inspired by our time together and all that you taught me. I’m really proud of them and I don’t know, maybe you’ll get to hear them someday. I don’t know if our paths will ever cross again. Weirdly enough, I have a feeling they could one day. But I know better than to keep myself stuck in the past when my life is changing in ways I’ve always wanted it to. Please know that I’m not scared of you anymore. I’m actually incredibly thankful for you and the heartbreak that you instigated because I’ve been able to chase my dreams with the same reckless abandon that I once had for you. I hope you stop being scared of me because I really am just thankful to have met you. I hope you listen to these songs fondly if you choose to do so. A few of them I wouldn’t have heard if it weren’t for you. Until next time, I wish you so much love and growth. Love, Kelly. P.S. Happy birthday.

To the rest of you reading, here’s some love songs that really found me in this story. The important thing to note is that while less than half the songs soundtracked our actual interactions, the rest were all the songs I had listen to just to get over it. I know it’s a lot, but 1) this was me learning that grief is not linear and 2) this is a good thing because that means there’s more music for you to discover. Hopefully they don’t cause you insane amounts of anguish (like they once caused me).

Putting the playlist here first because what follows after is an explanation of why every single song is on this playlist. The bold ones are the crucial ones. This post was an insane undertaking, but understand that this was literally all just for my closure. And I feel like I can breathe deeper after recounting all of it and seeing how much I grew.

An Encounter

3 Boys by Omar Apollo

“I should take your advice and find someone new, so I could have two…”

To be completely frank, this story STARTS messy. Especially on my part. I agreed to this date as a way to get more boys on my roster than the hopeless case I was dealing with already. I had a crush on my coworker (who did not live in LA) at the time and I was getting frustrated with the fact I kept getting mixed signals from him. So I was ready to actually date and have an outlet for the pent up romantic (and sexual) tension I was feeling. Perhaps the first synchronicity here: this new lover adored R&B music and I was getting curious about R&B music during this time in my life. I was newly obsessed with Omar Apollo and this song was hitting. I might have felt uselessly “tethered” to my coworker at the time but that would soon change and Lord, I needed it to.

About Damn Time by Lizzo

“In a minute Imma need a sentimental man or woman to pump me up…”

I listened to this song as I got ready for the date. I had no idea how this date would go. But I decided to go into it with a fun, flirty, coy energy. I remember telling God “it would be nice to make out with someone tonight, it doesn’t have to be him.” What a dangerous prayer that ended up being.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston

“I wanna feel the heat with somebody. Yeah I wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me…”

When I met him in that bar in Highland Park, it became clear to me that something interesting would happen that night. Conversation between us flowed so easily. He had such creative ways to ask questions that it immediately disarmed me. Flirting for him was like breathing. The next synchronicity was him telling me he had a goal to see a concert a month. I made sure he knew he was speaking to the concert queen, kellylivesatconcerts, herself. We talked about everything from work to friends to faith and astrology to birthdays, which he revealed that his birthday was already happening in Japan where he had grown up. The next synchronicity that caught both of us off guard was that we both had close friends named Eden with daughters named Sage (my Eden’s daughter Sage is a dog but still). It freaked us out. But I grew more and more intrigued by him. I told him that I wanted to kiss him but I needed a better environment than the loud bar we were in. He really wanted to kiss me. We went down the street to a speakeasy I’d always wanted to go to. Another synchronicity. All of a sudden we’d passed into the midnight hour and I wished him happy birthday. After nursing another drink, I got up the courage to kiss him at the bar. It felt special. He said he wanted to dance to this Whitney Houston song. Yeah, he requested this song. Maybe it was the 3 drinks coursing through my system at that point but I wanted him to feel special on his birthday damn it. So I went to the DJ and asked if he took requests. The DJ didn’t take requests. But the birthday boy and I went ahead and danced anyway.

Grace (I Think I’m In Love Again) by Bad Suns

“Make my heart beat in the back seat of your car, I think I’m in love…”

When I tell you once we started kissing we couldn’t stop. I’d never felt that before. We kissed at the bar, on the dance floor, at a booth, by the bathrooms, on the building wall by my car, and of course, in the back seat of my car. Another Bad Suns song prophecy come to life. I was so in the moment with him that I couldn’t believe it was almost 2am. He invited me to go get McDonald’s fries with him and go meet his dog. I said I needed to get home because my parents were likely still awake waiting for me to get home and I didn’t want to cause concern. I thought my parents would be up waiting for me, but the ONE TIME I should have stayed out longer, they had gone to sleep.

Hold On We’re Going Home by Drake

“‘Cause you’re a good girl and you know it, you act so different around me…”

He invited me to his birthday party that next night. I decided to make an appearance and met all his friends. I loved being the hot, mysterious girl at the party for once. He chose the one Drake song I liked (at the time) and sang it to me at the bar karaoke happening. This was the first time someone dared to speak the language of music back to me. And it terrified me honestly. I hid myself in the crowd because I was scared. We had just met, not even 24 hours ago. And this felt like a lot. But I knew he was down bad for me. It was still a sweet gesture even if I felt like he was a little pitchy during his performance lol. I deleted a lot of the pictures from our time together. But I still have the video I took of him singing that night. I don’t go back to watch it though. I guess it still scares me. Also you can tell this was pre-downfall of Drake lol.

Girls Make Me Wanna Die by The Aces

“One swipe of her finger, she leaves and I linger. She’s killing me with desire for someone else…”

The week after our date, I had a lot to think about. On one hand, I had this new boy, seemingly eager and ready to prove himself to me. On the other, I was still trying to shake my crush on my emotionally unavailable coworker. I had no idea if I was cut out for the cool girl playing the field kind of life. But it was really fun to be the kind of girl that makes someone wanna die. It was kinda cute to see him so nervous around me at the start. This song captured the joy of the new love blooming that spring.

Shooting Star by Carly Rae Jepsen

“Saw your angel face, caught my shooting star…”

This absolute bop describes the bouncy, coy energy I was trying to stomp around with in the first couple weeks. Our entire first date I had told him “I’m not looking to waste time, but I’m looking to waste time.” I was doing this because I couldn’t tell how much I should be invested this early. But I was excited.

Nonsense by Sabrina Carpenter

“And I can’t find my chill, I must have lost it…”

Yeah, secretly I was like “oooo this is the fun I’ve been looking for.”

Stay by The Aces

“I think I could love someone like you…”

After our second date, I realized I had it bad for him. But I knew he did for me, so it became really really exciting. The moment I realized it, we were having a midnight snack at a really romantic Brazilian restaurant and he was telling me that he had a goal/dream where he wanted to put together these open worship night/listening parties where people of all faiths could come together and just share music communally. My entire being lit up and my eyes sparkled like nothing before upon him telling me that. He went to the bathroom after telling me this and I remember sitting there like “God, what the fuck is going on??” Another synchronicity – but this time it was about something really really serious. I never told him, but I had wanted to do something like that through this very blog. I still have chills thinking about that moment. We got back to his car and just kept talking. That’s when we told each other “I really like you.” He followed it up by saying he felt like he “needed to get his shit together” for me because he wanted to be able to cook me breakfast one day. I thought that was sweet at first. But those words would come back to haunt me. I didn’t want to unpack that then. He liked me and I liked him. That felt rare. I wanted to stay in the joy of it. So I let myself struggle with how I couldn’t contain myself from getting excited about him. After he gave me a warm hug from behind as I got in my car, I drove off blasting this song. I know he saw me screaming these lyrics to him. I meant it.

What It Is by Amber Mark

“Feel it in my bones, oh, I’ve got to know, tell me what it is…”

In the first couple weeks, he texted and called me often. He made it clear that he was thinking about me whenever he could. It was really cute. I wasn’t used to it though so I tried to have some boundaries around it. He sent me this song and I knew exactly what he was trying to say: he was absolutely hooked on me and he had great taste in music.

Worth the Wait by Kali Uchis and Omar Apollo

“Gotta be careful with my heart because I love deep. Quit tellin’ me you wanna put a baby in me. If your affection for me’s truly only skin-deep, I don’t wanna end up just another broken family…”

As I dealt with the growing crush, I knew I had so much to learn about him before I got too excited. Also, I was really physically excited to be around him, but I had told him I had a strict boundary that I didn’t want to cross. And this song explained the confusing feeling of wanting to get caught up in our passion and the profound anxiety of doing anything that would cross that boundary. At the heart of it was the advice that my parents literally traumatized me with growing up: “don’t have kids before you’re ready”. Out of spite, I’ve been of the thought to never have kids ever. But I couldn’t even begin to dive into explaining any of that with this new romantic interest. It was too early for me.

Love Me Harder by Ariana Grande and The Weekend

“Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta got to love me harder…”

At the same time, I had to figure out for myself what would be signs that I should open up more. I knew we had a ton of physical chemistry and that was fun. There was an intellectual and spiritual chemistry too that I had just become aware of during our second date. I wanted to figure out what would make me feel safe enough to say “yes” to committing. This song felt like where my head and body were at before our third date.

Rose-Colored Boy by Paramore

“But boy you ain’t ever seen my mind…”

He played this song in the car on the way to our third date, a fancy dinner and drinks adventure. My immediate thought when this song came on his shuffle was “he has great taste.” But in hindsight, it felt too on the nose for me. I was so skeptical of him at this stage. He felt so eager to love me but I was so not sure if he was actually being real about it. I mean we had gotten physical quite fast. And I had my parents’ trauma too top of mind to let myself go. I didn’t feel like explaining any of that to him. I just wanted to be in the moment with him as much as possible. So the guard was up out of protection.

Style by Taylor Swift

“You got that long hair, slicked back, white t-shirt. And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt…”

I remember saying to myself that it was so nice to date someone with good fashion sense for once. And we looked GOOD on our third date. It genuinely is something that made me feel so seen in this relationship. This song captured that feeling as the crush grew anxiously.

Want U Around by Omar Apollo and Ruel

“And baby, I want you around…”

After our third date, I didn’t wanna go home right away so we went to his place. I figured the third date was enough for me start to letting my guard down a little more. After all, we really liked each other. We were listening to music together in the living room of his studio apartment and he started showing me music by Ruel. I was eager to listen to new music because of him. But more than that, I just wanted to make out with him to some good music. So I put this song on and we did exactly that.

Killing Me by Omar Apollo

“Te lo juro solo pienso en ti cuando me tocas y me llamas vuelo…”

This song continued the moment above. Except the intensity got turned up. I’m pretty sure I stopped kissing him for a second to sing a couple the lyrics. It was a movie moment. It still reminds me of him. Sorry not sorry.

Sail Away by Jonas Brothers

“You make my physical (spiritual), when I’m in your arms, I sail away…”

A crazy synchronicity that happened around this time was that my favorite Pop music podcast, Switched on Pop, had done an episode on the Jonas Brothers and the way they drew Joe on the promo picture literally looked like this guy. It was like to a T. I sent it to him and even he was like “WTF IT DOES”. I always said I wanted to marry a Joe Jonas type and I was now fully screaming at God like “what the fuck is going on??”. Meanwhile, the Jonas Brothers had released this super fun album after our kinda spicy third date and this song was giving me the space to try leaning into it. I wasn’t at the point of surrendering to it. I wanted to try leaning into it and this song made me tap into the bliss that could be if I had felt ready to surrender.

Tokyo Love Hotel by Rina Sawayama

“I just want your love all to myself, Tokyo, oh…”

But then the crush kicked into high gear. I started daydreaming about going to Tokyo with him to visit his family. Which felt so cool because I always said I wanted to do a family trip to Tokyo/Japan. This would be the sweetest reason to do so. I know Rina wrote this song about how people fetishize her hometown. But I couldn’t help but think of this new lover in my life. I wanted his love all to myself, still secretly of course.

cherry blossom by Kacey Musgraves

“No one can question the chemistry, even in nature timing is everything. I’m your cherry blossom baby, don’t let me blow away…”

On our second date, I remember telling him I wanted to receive flowers. He asked me what my favorite flower was and I blanked saying that I actually loved all kinds of flowers. Until I remembered I love cherry blossoms. Later on listening to this song, it felt like it captured the delicate way this relationship was progressing.

Cure by Valley

“I just wanna be your cure, I just wanna be, wanna be, be the one who’s here for ya…”

This was me leaning into the excited lovesickness of it all, especially when I went to see Valley around this time. I was still holding the anxiety of holding my cards to my chest though.

Always Get This Way by The Aces

“If you could find it in your heart not to tear me apart, you’d be so kind…”

This was my top song of 2023 and I listened to it often around this time. In the context of this situation, I was struggling with my real feelings and my feelings of self-protection. I wanted to lean into the excitement of this relationship. But also I felt like there was something wrong with me and it would not be easy to hide it from him. I was singing this to him AND to myself.

Solo by The Aces

“This feeling’s getting kind of scary…”

This song was screaming my anxieties to me. As stuck in my head as it was from being a good old-fashioned bop inspired by The 1975 (definitely a synchronicity in hindsight), it was speaking to a fear beneath the surface. The idea of us acting like my parents really scared me. The fact that after our third date, he said he wanted to go to church with me also scared me. And then just the idea of being seen by him in my messiness felt scary.

Nobody’s Baby by COIN

“Why fight the feeling? What a shame to wait here for you to come a little closer…”

This COIN song clocked me around this time. I really wanted this relationship to happen. But I kept playing coy for some reason. He wanted to be close to me. He was trying. But I was being really weird trying to pretend like this relationship wasn’t something I really wanted. Honestly, I was doing it to protect myself. I didn’t feel ready to have to explain/show all my imperfections, all the layers of messy family trauma that would surely scare him away. I felt ready to love him with all my heart, but it’s like I stubbornly refused to believe he could actually reciprocate. I wasn’t convinced just yet. I felt wise in keeping my walls up so but I wasn’t really giving him the opportunity to truly get to know me. I tried to feel cool being “nobody’s baby”.

Into My Arms by COIN

“You got my attention. I think I’m falling apart. Lovesick feeling, all alone, a crack in the ceiling, trace it back to my heart…”

The night before our fourth date, I listened to this song struggling to balance my feelings and my fears. I was so excited by him but I needed the validation that this was gonna go in a commitment direction before I got too excited. To me, getting excited about him felt like the sweetest unraveling for me and I couldn’t quite place why at the time. I had a feeling that I needed to just continue leaning into it. I just didn’t know how to vocalize it all.

Cutie by COIN

“Sunday, ceiling, spinning, like it won’t stop. Every night with you is the cherry on top…”

We did too many church-related activities for our fourth date. And we were both super distracted and tired from it. I should’ve either cut it early or not done it at all. But this was the beginning of the end. I remember forcing the feeling of “I’m here I’m present”. I mean one of us had to. At times it felt like he wasn’t even there and instead of being curious about it, I chose to avoid it. I just wanted him to know I liked him a lot. This song was me trying to be fun and flirty and in the moment as I drove us to the west side for his church events.

Brad Pitt by COIN

“I don’t want your back against me, I just want your love…”

This song was also a major vibe as we drove in our distracted stupors. I didn’t want to take him seriously. I just liked that he made me feel young and safe to be messy. This song grounded me in that desire. But then again, why were we doing such seemingly serious things like going to each other’s churches together. It felt like an antithetical energy to every date we’d had since. I wanted to start inviting him into my life and I wanted him to know I wanted to be part of his. But what I didn’t know at the time was that the life I was living at the time felt completely incongruent. I was running away just as much as he was. But I wanted to know if he was open to running away with me.

Pretty Great by Fickle Friends

“I just can’t get you out of my head…”

He showed me this song while we were driving on that fourth date. He told me he had a soft spot for “girly pop” music lol. I had a feeling he was (again) trying to tell me something with this song but I chose not to think too deeply about it at the time. It’s a good song and some moments are best not to overthink (says the chronic overthinker). I have a fond memory of bopping along to this song as we drove down the 10 that Sunday. As not present as we both felt that entire day, things like this song were rare moments of being present with each other. Again, as much as I wanted to be in the moment with him, it still scared me. Pretty sure he was scared too.

CHAMPAGNE by Valley

“You can break my heart, I’m not broken…”

I told him that I really loved Valley’s music and I had gone to see them earlier in the weekend. He told me he really loved this song. I think he said this song really helped him get over a past relationship. Again, he was speaking my language of music. I felt so seen and understood and it felt like precious knowledge to hear that this song had helped him. I hadn’t met anyone that knew or related to Valley’s music like I did. This song lives in my rusted locket for him so fondly.

Oh No Darling! by Sarah Kinsley

“Oh, I was kissing you just to feel the air, but are you really there?”

After our weird fourth date where we spent the entire day physically together but mentally distant, I tried to focus on the positive. We still had moments of connection. I was still excited. But he did act distant that whole day. I tried to chalk it off to him having an off day. I wanted to hold onto the new joy I felt of still being excited about him. Sure, I was feeling a little rejected by him acting weird. But that was a one time thing! We’d have another date soon to process it together, right? I wanted to hold onto how he made me feel so in the moment before. This song explains that tension so well.

The Trouble Sets In

SELF-SABOTAGE by Waterparks

“Now we’re at the part where you’ll hate what you see, what the fuck is wrong with me…”

However, I was increasingly terrified. Was this guy gonna make me open up about all the real things going on in my mind and soul? All the insecurities I’ve felt my entire life? All the family trauma I carry? How the fuck do I even begin to explain all of that? I didn’t want to crack that open. I had ended up shedding some tears in past conversations with him and he had been a little dismissive of me crying around him. I didn’t know why I felt safe enough to cry around him at the time but those little tests I had given showed me that he hadn’t felt safe enough to really open up about all the warning signs I came with. Another synchronicity: we both had wedding duties to attend to for our best friends so we didn’t see each other for a couple weeks after our fourth date. I tried to schedule a fifth date in mid-June after our weddings but he wasn’t being as responsive as he had been. So naturally, the flags went up for me. I had to realize that I had to give him the choice: are we gonna keep seeing each other or do we need to take a beat?

nevermind by Valley

“I want something that I’ll never find, but I just keep on saying nevermind…”

This song spoke to the indecision I was feeling about the situation in early/mid June. On one hand, I wanted to invest in it further. But on the other, I was feeling like a sense of relief would be on the other side of stopping. I couldn’t tell if I actually wanted to be in a committed relationship. Something felt in the way of it.

Blame Brett by The Beaches

“That’s why I won’t get vulnerable, don’t you dare get comfortable…”

This song came out before we actually broke up. But it felt exactly how “evasive cool girl” me was feeling. I knew he wanted me. But I tried to convince myself I didn’t really want him at the time. “I just wanted to have fun,” I kept saying. I knew I was self-sabotaging but I also sensed that he was being weird. It felt like a defensive mechanism instead of getting curious about what he was thinking about and actually processing any feelings of rejection I was feeling from it. The breakup went a little like this: our wedding duties were done and I was eager to connect with him after it. I thought we’d go on a cute date, I’d get to kiss him again, the whole shebang. He wasn’t confirming with me and it sent up the flags immediately. I chose to send him a text asking if he was still down to continue dating. He responded saying he was really burned out by life after all the wedding duties he had done the last few months, work had been a lot, and he just didn’t have the space to date. So I gave him space and he asked if I would be open to being friends. I said yes, but in a few months. Thankfully I had more weddings to prioritize so I wouldn’t fixate on it.

CLOSER by Waterparks

“Because I love you or I want to, but I don’t know how…”

Breaking up with him was like a sigh of the relief. And I didn’t understand why until I saw Waterparks sing this song at their show a few days after we broke up in June 2023. This song captured my insecurities. I wanted to feel close to him. But I was scared of wanting that. I kept saying I wanted to keep things casual with him but I knew I didn’t really want that. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to experience a longterm commitment for once. But I didn’t know how to ask for that. I also wasn’t sure he could reciprocate that. It had been too early to detect. So I self-sabotaged by trying to be the “evasive cool girl” in the relationship. It was really disingenuous of me and it set me on a path to understand why that even happened.

Suburban Blues by The Aces

“Nobody knows that I’m dying inside, nobody knows that I’m hating my life…”

After the breakup, I knew I had to sit down with my inner teenager who apparently had a lot to say about what the hell had just happened. This song gave voice to that side of me that had been acknowledged by him and me for once. He made me feel ok to be wild and messy and overall just human. It’s like I needed to make my external life match my internal life. I decided summer 2023 would be about healing that rebellious side of me by telling her it’s ok to be all that and more. This lover just couldn’t be part of it for now (and thank God for it).

Black Horse by Sarah Kinsley

“I had a taste of being reckless and I found it senseless, being carefree. But now something in me screams to be wild, to be obscene, to stop playing the first-born daughter in your American dream. What’s in it for me?”

This song was the call to action after realizing my inner teenager was screaming at me. It was a liberation and it felt like the sun breaking through.

Copa Vaciá by Shakira and Manuel Turizo

“Hace rato tengo sed de ti, yo no sé por qué. Quedo con ganas de más y queriendo beber de una copa vacía…”

Leave it to my actual mother Shakira to release a song that was speaking to the fact that I was starting to process the rejection from him. That rejection was interesting to process because it’s like I could see it wasn’t because he wanted to reject me (like others had before). He just didn’t have capacity to invest. It was evident in how distracted he had been our entire fourth date. Yet, I still felt hurt by the fact that my needs couldn’t be met. What was that about?

Keeper by The Beaches

“All the words that you lay down are nothing but broken…”

On the other side of the sadness, the remnants of the evasive cool girl me were like “ugh of course this happened because all men suck, whatever”. The Beaches were right on the money with the sentiment of thinking it’ll be different but then they turn out like all the rest. That was like 30% of how I felt though.

Have a Good Summer Without Me by Valley

“Stevie won’t you come back soon please…”

It doesn’t get more movie soundtrack than name dropping my ex’s name in a song. When I tell you I was shook listening to this song live for the first time, I knew it was a bad omen for our love story. When I went to see Valley live in May 2023, they played this unreleased song and I remember my eyes widening upon hearing it. Him and I were still good when I heard this song at that show but I remember listening to it and wondering if he was gonna mess this up. When they finally released it the next month, it eerily soundtracked us both at that time. I would listen to this song from both perspectives, me telling him to have a good summer without me and me receiving that from him. This song still causes all those feelings to rush back in. It’s fucking wild how a song can do that.

Not Good At Goodbyes by Glimmers

“I’m not good at goodbyes, for better or for worse. I’d rather get burned than say I never tried…”

He sent me this song a couple weeks after we had broken up. I could tell he was trying to say something with it. But he didn’t say it outright. I responded so dismissively calling out that this song reminded me of Paramore. If we were gonna try to be friends, I had to respond like I would a friend. Like I wasn’t feeling a void in my hot girl summer without him. Like he wasn’t using this song to tell me he was yearning for me.

Fake Out by Fall Out Boy

“But I didn’t take the love when I had the chance, but I swear I’m not sad anymore. So make no plans and none can be broken, no plans and none can be broken. Do you laugh about me whenever I leave? Or do I still need more therapy?”

This song became the proof that So Much (For) Stardust was my album of the year in 2023. I felt this song so deeply as I let myself get sad about what was really at the core of this breakup: my struggle to be messy and be perceived as a human. I’m a recovering people-pleaser with a savior complex. The idea that I could ever be seen by someone as a whole person felt so foreign. Yes I had friends that were willing to see me as such, but in a romantic situation? Felt like the scariest thing ever. I needed a window to break out of to see that love in me.

Person by The Aces

“I said that I’d try, but feelings don’t die, you just get a little older. Lost time on the passenger side, a life that’s not mine and I couldn’t feel lower…”

The Aces were really giving me the words to understand the deeper hurt I was feeling. I knew part of me felt for him, going through a lot that he couldn’t tell me about. But I was also starting to realize that I had a deep wound that was being exposed by this situation. This song reminded me the simplicity of just being a human. It was new for me.

I’ve Got All This Ringing In My Ears And None On My Fingers by Fall Out Boy

“The truth hurts worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you…”

This breakup at this stage was more about me than him. The idea of reconnecting with him was rightfully distant in July 2024. I was reckoning with myself that truth felt worse than anything bad I could say about him. He hadn’t treated me bad, I thought at this point. I was just needing to shed every inauthenticity I had been holding onto. The truth was I felt like a mess and I didn’t really want him to see me like this.

What a Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy

“I’ve got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match, what a catch…”

This song gave voice to how aware of my self-esteem demons I was in summer 2023. I felt guilt about stopping dating him so easily. But also I’d been triggered by him choosing to ignore me and not make plans with me. I knew I was being confusing towards him, but I stubbornly didn’t want to admit it. I kind of thought if he really cared about me, he’d call me out on it. But clearly he had his own stuff to work through. I couldn’t rise to the occasion of calling him out either because I was busy fighting my own self-esteem demons. I did feel like I was giving up on him too easily. But I needed to see what the hell my inner teenager was trying to tell me. The long-present self-esteem demons were quick to speak up.

Walls (with Jon Bellion) by Jonas Brothers

“Darling, you’d make the walls cry…”

This is exactly how I felt at the end of summer 2023. I was unraveling and it wasn’t pretty. All the masks I had tried to hide behind were failing me. I needed to leave the church I was at. I needed to differentiate myself from my parents. I needed to assess all my friendships, how I spent my time, and what my goals were. It wasn’t because of this lover. But it was instigated by the time we had shared. It had brought out this more real version of me. I knew I was making the walls in my room cry. But it was like I was starting to say goodbye to so much. Tell me your Saturn Return is starting without telling me it’s starting.

Wish You Well by PVRIS

“I hope you’re healin’, done broken, bleeding…”

This song felt like the moment of me starting to accept the goodbyes. I felt convicted to leave the church I had taken this lover to because I felt lost and unseen there. I was singing this song to cushion that goodbye. But I hoped this lover was healing too. I ended up reaching out to him to see if we could reconnect as friends. And so at the end of September 2023, we set a dinner to catch up.

Me & Me by The Beaches

“When I’m with myself, it’s honestly zen, might as well be my girlfriend…”

I remember seeing a post about “National Boyfriend Day” or whatever the fuck in September 2023 and I felt a little salty about it so I posted this song (which I had played on repeat) trying to convince myself that I needed this space to be alone at this time.

The One I Used To Love by Bad Suns

“Forgot who I am, so I swam in the ocean (nobody listens to me). I fuck up the plan, just to feel some emotion (not me, especially)…”

I was scared when I saw that Bad Suns was releasing a new song because we know this by now here: any time they release a new song, God is trying to tell me something. So what was He trying to say to me in September 2023? As much as I tried to deny it, it was that this all was going to go horribly wrong. This devastating song was hitting me about how my inclination to be mean to myself was me once again self-sabotaging. And this lover would end up being a casualty in the mess. I wouldn’t realize it until I crashed out at the end of 2023.

Nightclub (Waiting For You) by Bad Suns

“Waiting for you to come back home, I’m waiting for you to call my phone. I lay on the roof, see you in the stars. Evading the truth in cafes and bars, still waiting for you…”

But for most of September 2023, I was stewing in this song thinking about him. I tried to fool myself into thinking I was waiting for “the real thing”. But I was thinking about this lover mostly. I wanted him back. I wanted him to be ready to step into the mess with me. Everything was starting to remind me of him again. It was a sort of divine reminder of where my heart was. I kept this all inside though. I still felt like a mess and I wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle it.

Going Back (Part 1)

bad idea right? by Olivia Rodrigo

“Seein’ you tonight, it’s a bad idea, right? Seein’ you tonight, fuck it, it’s fine. Yes, I know that he’s my ex, but can’t two people reconnect?”

At the end of September 2023, we had dinner at this pizza place I wanted to check out on a Wednesday. I wanted it to be as casual as possible because I only had space to be a friend to him. I wanted to try to be truthful with him. I was a mess. I was emotionally unavailable. I couldn’t stand for any funny business in my state! But also would he still be interested in me even? It was too much to think about. So I had to just go in with no expectations.

Weightless by Arlo Parks

“But I sparkle in the rare case that you tell me I’m your sun ray…”

I listened to this one on repeat as I got ready to meet him for that dinner. I wore a sequined yellow blazer because I wanted to sparkle like the sun ray I know I am. This song helped me as I dealt with the anxiety of not knowing how this interaction would go. Would he be normal? Would he be dismissive? Would he want to date me again? I wanted him to but I was unsure if I could actually show up this time. What did I want? Would I be super open about my messy state of mind lately? I had just gotten back from a trip to El Salvador for my cousin’s wedding, I could talk about that. I knew he had some family issues he had to handle in the summer, I could ask him about that. I wanted it to be a friendly dinner. This was my chance to be a friend to him.

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift

“I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero…”

I went into that dinner as honest as I could. I was emotionally unavailable. I needed to journal. I needed him to know that. I needed time to catch up with myself. I was a messy human, remember? But he came in with an anxious energy. Like he wanted to connect with me. But he was ungrounded too.

get him back! by Olivia Rodrigo

“Oh, I wanna get him back, ’cause then again I really miss him, and it makes me real sad. Oh, I want sweet revenge and I want him again…”

After our dinner date, I had some interactions to analyze. We sat at the bar of this pizza place and he was angled towards me the entire time. He paid for the dinner and insisted on letting me Venmo him (he refused to let me later, telling me that I could handle “the next one”). He took a mint after dinner. He really insisted on walking me back to my car and I refused it. Everyone I asked said he was definitely flirting…including that coworker I had been crushing on. Every interaction he tried to do something nice for me, I rejected him in almost every way. I did it on purpose because I did not have space to actually rekindle anything with dating overtones yet. I needed proof that he could actually handle me in all my mess. So having my guard up again felt like I took back my power. Also being validated by that coworker when I said I wanted to maintain the upper hand made me realize that’s all I wanted from him. So that crush finally melted away. But now I was a certified “baddie” towards this poor man trying to be validated by me. This shift in the power dynamic felt new for me and I wanted to hold onto it.

Ace In The Hole by Saint Motel

“This is your one shot, time for your ace in the hole…”

After our dinner earlier in the week, he had invited me to an event with his church group and I told him I’d think about it. I felt like I needed a night that week away from the boys that had made me feel so confused for most of the year. So I chose to go to the Saint Motel concert instead of seeing him again. This song reminded me that I was still that bitch. Besides, I didn’t want to be around going around telling people I knew him because I was his ex. I had nothing to gain by going to that event.

Hush Hush by The Band CAMINO

“Hush hush don’t give it away…”

But the power dynamic would soon shift. September 27, 2023 was a disastrous night of synchronicity. I went to see Bad Suns open for The Band CAMINO with my best friend Katie and by The Band CAMINO’s set, we chose to stand in the balcony at the Shrine. A guy that looked like this lover stood somewhat near us but I decided not to engage because I was there to watch the show. But then during this song, I got a text that said “hey, is that you at The Band CAMINO right now?” I looked up to see it was in fact him and I waved at him. I stopped recording and exchanged pleasantries with him and the friend he was with. I tried to shrug it off as a random coincidence. But it felt too perfect to be just a random thing. This song had soundtracked the frustrating interactions with my coworker before but suddenly it took on new meaning.

Never A Good Time by The Band CAMINO

“I don’t wanna wait, I don’t wanna wait. Never a good time to say, “Goodbye”…”

After our brief exchange, I went to the restroom because I really had to go. I came back to enjoy the rest of the show with Katie. When I came back, Katie told me that he looked concerned when I had left. I think I said “that’s weird” and proceeded to get reabsorbed with the show. The band started playing this song and I saw him staring at me this entire song from the corner of my eye. It was an insane feeling because I KNEW he was also in the “what the fuck is going on, how is this happening right now” feeling towards this newest synchronicity. I was choosing to soak in the show and not worry about him. He hadn’t told me he’d be there and I didn’t pay money to see him, did I? (The fact that he didn’t tell me he’d be there made me really angry.) After the show, we talked briefly and I brought up the fact that I would be seeing The 1975 (his favorite band) the next week. I offered the opportunity to meet up at some point during that show. Before Katie and I left them, his friend emphatically told me I was “really pretty”. When Katie and I were in my car after the show, I told her the encounter had frustrated me. I had just been telling her that I was not sure where this relationship could go. I felt like a mess at the time and I wasn’t sure if him being a bigger part of my life would be helpful or hurtful. After unpacking the frustration and the fact that I felt scared because of my pile of family trauma, I told Katie I really did want a serious relationship. I didn’t want to keep being weird but I wasn’t sure he could handle my mess. She encouraged me to throw him a bone. He was obviously still interested in me.

Kismet by The Beaches

“Oh my god, it’s meant to be and you just ran right into me?…”

I went home and sarcastically sang this song. I got frustrated and angry because he HAD to have known that I would be at that show. Yet he didn’t tell me he’d be going when I saw him for dinner. It was so weird. Why was he being so weird towards me. I was doing a good job of having my guard up. Why couldn’t he treat me like a normal, everyday person. Why was he afraid of me all of a sudden. I felt hella angst towards him because of it.

Heart Out by The 1975

“It’s just you and I tonight, why don’t you figure my heart out…”

But I knew Katie was right, I needed to “throw him a bone”. So as I prepped to see him at The 1975 show at the Hollywood Bowl, I turned this one on. I had to hype myself up to be open to him. I wanted him to figure my heart out. And I wanted an opportunity to figure his heart out. But that proved to be a slippery slope.

A Concert Six Months From Now by FINNEAS

“Your favorite band is back on the road, and this fall they’re playing the Hollywood Bowl…”

I heard this song recently but it told exactly what happened next. In my mind on October 2, 2023, there was two ways the night would go: 1) he’d invite me over during the show and we’d realize how in love we were or 2) I would have a change of heart. To prep for the show, I had to entertain both scenarios. But I spent way more time daydreaming about the former. I wanted to be in the moment with him again, completely aligned like we used to be. This song is how I felt at the Hollywood Bowl seeing The 1975.

Oh Caroline by The 1975

“Oh Caroline, I wanna get it right this time…”

I secretly wanted him to invite me to hang out with him at the show. I kept picturing us dancing together joyfully to this song if he had. I listened to this one too many times while daydreaming. But that was not the vibe. He basically ignored me until after the show. So then I returned the favor by keeping my guard up.

Girls by The 1975

“‘Cause they’re just girls breakin’ hearts…”

I used the song to post that I was at the show with my bestie Eden (The 1975 was her favorite band first) and our friend Madi on my Instagram story. I looked hot that night and I wanted to capture it in a cheeky way. I posted that before he said that he used to sing this song at karaoke in high school. It felt so on brand for him knowing what I knew about him. I didn’t realize what a heartbreaker I was being by keeping my guard up that night. I was just trying to be a normal person. Unlike someone else that night.

About You by The 1975

“Do you think I have forgotten about you?”

I wanted to scream these words to his face that night. I wanted to be held by him during this song at the show. Instead I was away from him, trying to put on my music critic hat on so my heart wouldn’t completely break from being rejected like that. This song really feels like the closest thing to “our song” in my mind. Even though we met up after the show and he got his friends to drive me to my car in Pasadena (they were going there anyway), I still felt like I deeply missed him. I felt rejected by him waiting to see me after the show. I remember feeling so much shame explaining to his friends that I was his ex. Not because I was embarrassed of him. But because I didn’t want to be his ex. I wanted to be his girlfriend.

I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes) by The 1975

“If you can’t survive, just try…”

After the show, he asked me if I cried to any of the songs during the show. He remembered that I said I tend to cry at least once at a really good show. This was the song that he cried to at the show, he told me. It’s his story to tell why, not mine. But I understood that this song was a reason he believed in the power of music like I did. I treasure him telling me why this song was so important to him. To this day, this song still makes me think of him. I couldn’t listen to it for a long time, but every time I listen to this song I send him a little prayer of love and strength.

Give Yourself A Try by The 1975

“The only apparatus required for happiness is your pain and fucking going outside…”

This was the song I cried to at the show, I told him. For years this song had beckoned me to actually consider myself. Hearing that reminder in the midst of all this mess made me cry. I needed to give myself a try.

Paint The Town Red by Doja Cat

“I’m going to glow up one more time, trust me I have magical foresight…”

When we finally got to his friend’s car, the vibes were so weird. One of his friends was really drunk in the back seat with me. He was perceptibly nervous around me. I was frustrated with him for rejecting me earlier in the night and then choosing to act so weird. And then his best friend was just trying to fight the brutal Hollywood Bowl traffic. This song played in the car as they drove me to my car in Pasadena. I was trying to not be an outright bitch but ugh he was being so weird around me with his friends. Even his best friend was like ‘dude wtf is wrong with you.’ I had to stand my stubborn ground that night.

Complicated by Avril Lavigne

“You’re watching your back like you can’t relax, you’re trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me…”

This is what I would’ve been yelling from the backseat if I had been more emotionally aware of myself that night. He kept trying to prove to his friends that he was connected to me without actually connecting with me. He literally got in the car (in the front seat) and nervously fixed his hair – as if I could actually see him/cared what his hair looked like after the show. His best friend called him out on it lol. Then he was asking everyone in the car if they knew the song “Them Changes” by Thundercat and I was the only one so he said, “see that’s why Kelly is a woman with taste”. And then when we got to the structure where my car was and I was explaining to his best friend which car to look for, he was saying it at the same time as me. It was so strange. Part of me wanted to talk to him with my walls down like we had gotten close to after the show walking to his friend’s car. But it’s like he kept trying to connect with me without actually connecting with me. It felt kind of dehumanizing and I was really frustrated by it.

A Change of Heart by The 1975

“‘This is how it starts, oh, I just had a change of heart…”

After he had been so nervous around me that night, I ended up having a change of heart. All I wanted to do was debrief with him but it’s like he wanted to avoid me after it. I felt a mix of frustration, anger, sadness, and of course, rejection. I tried to avoid my feelings of rejection by focusing on how frustrated I was with him. But then a switch flipped.

The Trouble Returns

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Paranoid by The Beaches

“And now I’m like ‘Why are they staring? Am I oversharing? I’m so embarrassing’…”

I kept trying to make plans with him to give him a chance to actually be my friend and not whatever he was at The 1975 show. But that was not happening. So I started to spiral out recalling how he stared at me (and then turned his back on me) at The Band CAMINO show and how unwilling he was to try to see me as just a person at The 1975 show. I started to feel like he had put me on a weird pedestal. While at first I liked the power it gave me, it was making me feel unsafe to be my messy self around him and thus making me feel like he didn’t actually want to take me seriously/date me properly. I wanted a chance to explain that I wanted to date him properly, but I needed reassurance that he wouldn’t run away from me trying to be authentic. I started to blame myself for being so confusing.

The (Shipped) Gold Standard by Fall Out Boy

“I wanna scream I love you at the top of my lungs but I’m afraid that someone else will hear me…”

My anxious-avoidant attachment was triggered by this situation big time. So I oscillated between “I need him to pay attention to me” to “I want to get out of the country as soon as I can.” Leave it to Fall Out Boy to help me tap into that.

Golden by Fall Out Boy

“And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies and all the lovers with no time for me…”

The Fall Out Boy fixation continued and I felt this song start to pull me into the deep wound at the core of this situation. All of a sudden I hit my ‘middle child, always forgotten-everyone’s too busy for me’ wound. I kept trying to stay in contact with him after that disastrous night but he kept saying he was so busy. I spiraled out bad as a result. All of my worst traits began to weigh heavily on me: my anxious-avoidance, my savior complex, my people pleaser self. And I became depressed that I couldn’t just talk to him. Nothing makes me feel less loved than being ignored.

Joiner by Blondshell

“You disturbed an exposed nerve…”

Among the sadness, I felt an angst rise up. I didn’t know what was keeping me from him. Was he struggling with his vices again? Was he equally tortured by his self-esteem demons? Why couldn’t he just tell me what was going on with him? I didn’t know and I wanted to know deeply. I wanted to help him. But I wasn’t getting the authentic chance to.

Astral Plans by Bad Suns

“Don’t believe me when I say “I’m fine”. We both hate this, let’s not fight it…”

At this point Bad Suns was just mocking me with their new songs lol. As much as I was kicking myself for being so confusing, I knew it wasn’t all my fault. I could see where he was messing up. But I couldn’t help but feel so frustrated with myself for getting into this. It was so stressful.

All You Had To Do Was Stay (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift

“All I know is that you drove us off the road…”

I knew I was in pain when I broke out the T.Swift. This one helped me vocalize the frustration in late October after this confusing limbo he put me in. These confusing interactions wouldn’t have happened if he had been upfront with me and continued dating me in the summer. It was his fault for pushing me away first, I decided.

Say Don’t Go by Taylor Swift

“I’m holding out hope for you to say, “Don’t go”. I would stay forever if you say, “Don’t go”…”

The worst of my spiraling happened on Halloween 2023. It was a really bad night. I mentioned it here. I remember listening to this song on the drive back home and just screaming like a banshee. I wanted him to see me that night but I was too proud to say that. I didn’t want to feel like this song. But I was exactly in the middle of the sentiments in this song. I was supposed to be seeing him later that week but my faith in that happening was rapidly declining. The proactive version of him where I was sure he liked me seemed to not be here anymore. And I knew my love was not enough to fix it.

This Love (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift

“These hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me…”

Immediately after sobbing and singing like a banshee, I prayed to God to help me understand why I felt so desperate for him. It was so uncanny how when I was praying, this song started playing, and right as I drove past a steakhouse with his name on it, I heard the words “these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me.” I sobbed profusely knowing that I had to let it go completely to actually heal from the deeper wounds here.

Die For You by The Weeknd and Ariana Grande

“It’s hard for me to communicate the thoughts that I hold…”

He was a big fan of The Weeknd. And I definitely saw myself in Ariana’s music. This one fit too well for us in the intensity of my anguish in late October/early November.

Doesn’t Do Me Any Good by Stephen Sanchez

“Just like that river, baby, don’t let it be misunderstood: if you told me to come running, runnin’. You know that I would…”

We didn’t end up seeing each other that week after all. So I turned to a singer with his similar name to help me. Stephen Sanchez came running and this song helped me channel that lingering frustration I was feeling from being rejected again.

The Unraveling

Disappear Here by Bad Suns

“Would you run after me? Would you run or do we disappear here?”

Because I was so depressed from him hitting my deeper wounds, I knew I needed two things: 1) immediately go back to therapy and 2) take in heavy doses of my favorite band until then. Bad Suns said “ask and you shall receive.” The title track from my favorite album of all time jumped at me. I hadn’t related to this song so deeply until this situation with my ex happened. I couldn’t tell if I wanted him to run after me. But I wanted to hear he would. Instead we started to disappear here.

Living Or Dying by Bad Suns

“It’s a beautiful ride, but it’s time to say bye. You could mistake it for Heaven at first…”

Right before I started what I dubbed “therapy week” in mid-November, Bad Suns released this song and it felt like Christo said “Kelly, I know exactly what’s going on and I need you to sit down for this one. It’s not gonna be pretty.” This song was devastating and it got to the root of the issue for me. I was seeking out emotionally unavailable people for years because I was used to avoiding myself. I was a grade A people pleaser that couldn’t ask for what she needed from others. I didn’t believe people could actually provide for me emotionally because my parents had rejected me emotionally long ago. I was too much. Inconsistency from romantic partners was all too familiar for me and I actually loved it because I could launch myself into romantic fantasies to fill in the gaps of the anxieties. I wouldn’t dare tell someone I’ve been hurt. I knew this cycle of inconsistency and avoidance I was in with him was not good for me and I needed to cut it out. But it didn’t make it any less heartbreaking.

Just To Feel Your Touch by Bad Suns

“I love you, I hate you, I miss you, if you say nothing’s wrong, then nothing’s wrong, then what’s the issue…”

Again Christo chose violence lol. This song called out that fiery dynamic with my ex I was becoming aware of. The chemistry was there. But the pain was unbearable for me now. Was it gonna be worth it to “deal with the pain” any longer? I thought no.

love is embarrassing by Olivia Rodrigo

“I’m givin’ up, I’m givin’ up, but I keep comin’ back for more…”

I was losing my mind realizing how many times this stupid cycle I’d been in had played out. It was high school. It was early college. It was with my last ex. It was with that coworker I had crushed on too! I felt so embarrassed thinking of all the ways I’d “crucify myself” for guys that did less than the bare minimum. This song wasn’t necessarily about him, it was about all the baggage I was carrying.

Slowly Spilling Out by Saint Motel

“I still feel the pain, but I hope you get better…”

It was too easy to write off this ex and get mad at him for the pain he caused me. But I still cared about him and felt a fondness for him. As I healed, I wanted him to heal too. I just didn’t have the space to walk alongside him in it.

The Shining by The Neighbourhood

“The way that you glow, everybody knows, you’ve got a heart of gold and mine is always broken so I just paint it chrome…”

In the midst of my unraveling, I imagined him reckoning with his inadequacies too. I would listen to this song and feel like this song was being sung to me by him. This man knew I was too good for him, that’s why he had been so nervous around me from the start. Instead of rising to the occasion and being grounded, he got intimidated by my depth.

The Kintsugi Kid (Ten Years) by Fall Out Boy

“I felt you at the beginning but needed you at the end. We’re going low, low, low, low…”

I kept seeing him in a sympathetic light at the end of 2023. Even in my mess, I could tell he was aware of how bad he was fumbling me by not making plans to see me. Listening to this song was one of those “both perspectives” things. On one hand, I felt insane having discovered how avoidant I’d been towards myself. On the other hand, I would listen to this song and think about how avoidant he had likely been to himself too. It just felt heartbreaking to see how we were two very imperfect people that couldn’t love each other enough to get better.

Flu Game by Fall Out Boy

“I carved out a place in this world for two but it’s empty without you…”

More angsty/sad feelings with Fall Out Boy at the end of 2023.

Heaven, Iowa by Fall Out Boy

“I closed my eyes inside of your darkness and found your glow…”

As I spoke in my 2023 album of the year reflection, this song captured the hazy grief of us being “scar-crossed lovers” at the end of that year. How could I give up on someone that had lit me up like he did? I really said it best then.

So Much (For) Stardust by Fall Out Boy

“I think I’ve been going through it and I’ve been putting your name to it…”

I blamed him for the mess I had gotten into at the end of 2023. I was confronting myself like I never had before. On some days it felt easier to blame him for it than take accountability for the fact that I had so many things wrong about myself. I deserved my own love and compassion just as much I thought everyone else deserved it from me. It was just harder to give it to myself.

Sand by Dove Cameron

“I tried to bargain with the stars for more than half your heart…”

I don’t think he knew just how tortured I became at the end of the year. I wanted him to pay attention to me like I knew he wanted to. But I could see how I’d gotten in the way of that. I couldn’t see how exactly he was standing in the way too, but I knew he was in the way too. It really sucked.

Cutting It Off

Swim by Reneé Rapp

“The longer it goes on, there’s only one, the end…”

At the beginning of 2024, I knew I had to cut him off for a bit. It was the only way I could try to care for the wounds I had been uncovering in therapy. I was continuing to be triggered by him trying to stay in my orbit. He was doing literally everything but texting me to make plans to see me. And it was making it all worse. The anxiety of asking for space started to feel less than the anxiety of staying in this weird limbo.

Snow Angel by Reneé Rapp

“I met a boy. He broke my heart. I blame him ’cause it’s easier. But I still look for him in her…”

I was so sad seeing the reality of the situation. I had to stay away from him. But also, I had to tell him he hurt me. It was for the sake of the deeper healing I needed to go through.

Therapy by Maisie Peters

“I was abandoned but you swore that you’d be there for me. Carefully, you touched me, now your touch will last for centuries…”

Hearing this song at the beginning of January 2024 explained what I was going through to a T. I had to go back to therapy. Not because of him. But because he triggered that long avoided wound of unkindness towards myself. The nuance is important. I wished he could be there for me, but he was meant to be the catalyst for this much needed deeper healing.

Reclaiming My Power

BSC by Maisie Peters

“If you don’t love me, what was April?…you made me little miss unstable and it broke me big time…”

As sad as I was, I was still very frustrated by him. So I got mad and I needed to tell him he was hurting me. In January 2024, I sent a text to him saying I was hurt by his inconsistency and I needed space from him. I knew it was brave of me to admit that and I stood my ground in it.

Florida!!! by Taylor Swift and Florence and the Machine

“I need to forget, so take me to Florida. I’ve got some regrets, I’ll bury them in Florida…”

This song was not out at the time. But seriously as soon as I sent my “standing up to him” text, I went to Florida for the first time to hang out with my friends Lindsey and Lucas. I needed some fun after crying for months.

You’re Just A Boy and I’m Kinda The Man by Maisie Peters

“I’m on a one way trip to take over the world, you could’ve come, babe I held out my hand. Yeah, it’s sad and it’s true and I’m in love with you, but you’re just a boy and I’m kinda the man…”

I was not prepared for him to respond at all, especially after he had been ignoring me. I texted him the Thursday night before my trip to Miami. And then as I was finishing up last minute packing on Friday, I saw his response come in. Anxiety rushed in. I decided to wait to read the text until I was on the plane. And I was surprised to see he responded with a thoughtful apology, taking ownership of the fact that he had not “had his shit together”. He even told me to “not hesitate” if I had space for him in the future or if I “wanted to reconnect”. Upon reading it, I had nothing else to say to him. So I turned this song on and tried to focus on moving forward. I felt like the bigger man for standing up for myself. This song was true in January 2024 and you know what, it’s still all true now.

2000 Miles by Gatlin

“I took the best of me and lost the rest out on the road…”

This song was the perfect song for the flight to Miami that weekend in January. And yes, Miami is about 2000 miles away from LA.

Makes Me Wonder by Maroon 5

“The words you say don’t have a meaning. ‘Cause I still don’t have a reason and you don’t have the time…”

I remember landing in Miami and stomping through the airport with this song in my headphones thinking about his text. I was pissed that he responded so quickly to it but then had ignored my other offers for connection between October and December. Like why wait for me to say “hey this is hurting me”? It made no sense to me. I thought he would have ignored it, like he had been doing to me. I was deciding how much I actually cared about him at this point. I wasn’t sure if he actually meant what he said about wanting to reconnect later. I focused on the goodbye for now.

Happier Than Ever by Billie Eilish

“When I’m away from you, I’m happier than ever…”

My friend Lindsey was giving me a tour of the city and she turned this song on her playlist. Admittedly, it did help me process the angst from him now deciding to apologize and try to talk to me.

Lost The Breakup by Maisie Peters

“I’ll smile and you’ll have to face it. I’m the greatest love that you wasted. But, by then, I’ll be far away…”

When I got back from Miami, I tried to make sense of the sadness from years of feeling rejected – not just by him. But yeah, he majorly messed up not making space for me if he really cared for me. I knew I had to keep taking space to heal because that deeper wound had been triggered. I didn’t know when or if I’d try to reach out to him again at this time. I just felt like I needed to move on with my life for now. At some point I’d surely get my footing again and be able to see everything more clearly. The music video being set in Tokyo is diabolical. Because again, he was born and raised there. Another fucking synchronicity.

Paint My Bedroom Black by Holly Humberstone

“Do you feel so weightless when you’re hanging up his call? (Hang it up) You gotta bottle up that feeling…”

This song spoke to me taking my power back. It felt good to stand up for myself for once. I knew I had to get used to doing so. Holly Humberstone became a crucial voice for me in this new season.

Never Need Me by Rachel Chinouriri

“You say I’m the love of your life, but now just isn’t the time. You’re doing it again. This is why your cycle never ends…”

This one was about the freedom of starting to let him go. I knew I was healing and I would’ve let him in if he had been willing to go into the depths with me. He knew he had growing up to do but he didn’t want to let me into it. I wanted to love him but it’s like he wasn’t letting me, even if I was going through my own shit. I was ready to make space, but he wasn’t ready for that. I had to focus on my healing. And this song felt like everything I wanted to scream at him.

Not My Fault by Reneé Rapp and Megan Thee Stallion

“It’s not my fault you’re like in love with me…”

My way of trying to move on at this time was by leaning into this Regina George-esque energy. I was very much in my “pshh dumb boys” frustration. With my birthday coming up in early February, I was determined to keep the spotlight on me and not how he was not ready for me.

Karma by Taylor Swift

“And I keep my side of the street clean, you wouldn’t know what I mean…”

I started feeling petty in the letting go because I knew I was healing. I’m only human, sorry lol.

WHAT LOVE? by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

“Lord, help me, I think I’m gonna cry. I guess I met you at the wrong time…”

January 2024 was a weird time after telling him he hurt me. On one hand, I felt power from doing something kind for myself. But on the other I was reflecting on that passionate love affair and wondering what it was all for. This absolute groove by IDKHOW really called me to reflect on how this whole ordeal was really about growth. I couldn’t stop thinking about him even if I was grieving years of being in similar situations.

American Disco by Never Ending Fall

“You are right again, I am different. Can we play pretend? I don’t even think so…”

I wanted to focus on the angst as we got into February. The boys in Never Ending Fall were finally getting to release that album and the title track hit me right in the angsty feels of how I was healing.

Feather by Sabrina Carpenter

“I feel so much lighter, like a feather with you out my life…”

I refused to feel sad about him on my birthday in February 2024. So this was the anthem. You know I sang it at my birthday karaoke lol.

Girlfriend by Cate

“The second that I cry I’m an emotional demon. He doesn’t have the time, always suddenly leaving. He says he wants a girlfriend, but he doesn’t wanna be a boyfriend…”

I felt extremely petty on Valentine’s Day 2024. We could have been each other’s Valentine. But instead I was out here singing this song. There was definitely an underlying sadness in it.

When Did Your Heart Go Missing? by Rooney

“But your life is just one big mess, when did your heart go missing?”

I went to see Rooney on Valentine’s Day and dancing to this song with my angst was exactly what I needed that night. I love this song so fucking much so it was the best way to spend that night.

Already Over by Sabrina Carpenter

“Yeah, I say, “I’m done, ” but I’m still confused. How am I supposed to close the door when I still need the closure?”

As much as I was reveling in the pettiness and the angst from taking my space from him, I was still sad. The lingering question was “how much of that relationship was my insecurities getting triggered and how much of it was something real…maybe even love?” As the end of February started to hit, I reflected on that question.

SIXFT by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

“Darling, don’t, don’t push me around, I don’t wanna see you buried six feet underground. Fuck around and find out, I don’t wanna see you buried six feet underground…”

IDKHOW came in hot with their album in my angst. This one was that protective side of me not wanting to be hurt by my ex again.

KISS & TELL by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

“I’ll admit we’re both to blame but I’ve been a fool for your love too long. How could it be so sweet but you’re bad for me?”

This was me calling in the reinforcements to stay away. The work of convincing myself it was over was very difficult.

Going Back (Part 2)

Edge of the Earth by The Beaches

“I don’t want to get burned, I don’t want love like that. But I can’t go any further ’til I start coming back…”

In my reflecting about if it was love or my attachment getting triggered, I started to realize I had loved him. And it’s like I was in trouble again. I felt crazy because of it. This is not how I wanted to love someone. But I couldn’t help it. How else could I explain the connection we had?

logical by Olivia Rodrigo

“No, love is never logical…”

This was me dealing with the fact that it felt illogical to realize this now. Late February 2024 is when I started writing some of the more poignant songs about the whole situation. My writing was the place where I started being really honest with myself about being in love.

Tornado Warnings by Sabrina Carpenter

“I think he’s onto me every time I say ‘I’m over that son of a bitch’…”

This was me cheekily processing the fact that I was realizing I was in love with him. I started daydreaming about him again. And yeah I was lying to my therapist saying things like “yeah I’m done with him”. I really wasn’t yet.

don’t wanna break up again by Ariana Grande

“Won’t abandon me again for you and I…”

When I first heard Ariana’s eternal sunshine album, I felt myself vibing to this one as I started to notice a new tension forming. Somedays I felt sure about my decision to stay away from him. I had been healing my deeper abandonment/unkindness wounds and I didn’t want any interference with that. But then I was also telling myself “but you love him! You have to reckon with that!” This song spoke to my fears in the tension at first. But later it became a word of comfort.

supernatural by Ariana Grande

“It’s like supernatural. It’s taking over me, don’t wanna fight the fall…”

I was doing ok reckoning with the realization that I loved him for a little while. But then I went off the rails. First, I had learned that an Output sample had been used on this song and it felt like another synchronicity for me. Then, on March 10, 2024, I stayed up til 3am drinking at my cousin’s birthday party in the desert. I woke up dehydrated, sleep deprived, and hungover. On the drive home, I spiraled out and listened to the entire deluxe edition of The 1975’s debut album. I got home and cried myself to sleep missing him. I suddenly felt like I needed to tell him I loved him. But I knew I needed to sleep on it before I actually acted on reaching out to him again.

Potential by Never Ending Fall

“I feel different when I’m with you…”

In the midst of this newest crisis, the NEF boys released this one and I let myself process what it would be like if telling him went smoothly. I started daydreaming about our connection again. Even if I was still holding the possibility of getting rejected again, I wanted to let the girl dream.

Kissing In Swimming Pools by Holly Humberstone

“When I met you, your cloud was heavy. I could repair you so gently…”

Speaking of letting the girl dream, this one laid it out perfectly in March 2024. The pictures of intimacy in this song felt like exactly how a real relationship between us could have been. Him picking me up from my parents’ place and me complaining about my parents to him. People watching together. More tender makeout sessions. Kissing in someone’s swimming pool. I wanted to love him again so sweetly, with the same new compassion I was building up in myself. I wanted to share it with him as if to say “yeah you’re a mess, but so am I and that’s ok”. I remember driving around aimlessly around Hollywood after a church discussion group listening to this song (and the following Holly Humberstone songs) and just picturing what a proper restart could look like. Such a Mazzy Star “Fade Into You” romantic vibe.

Ghost Me by Holly Humberstone

“I’ve been crying all night and I know I shouldn’t Google the symptoms. But it hurts this time…”

This song did speak to the fears I was feeling among the daydreaming. I was trying to be honest and realistic with myself in the name of self-compassion. I knew it would devastate me if he ghosted me.

Please Don’t Leave Just Yet by Holly Humberstone

“I don’t wanna need your love, your love, anymore. But I just do, I just do…”

Matty Healy produced and wrote this song with Holly. He’s also lurking in the background vocals. Do I need to say anything else?

Elvis Impersonators by Holly Humberstone

“‘Cause I miss your bones selfishly, I need you next to me, I’m spiraling…”

This one was me just spiraling and yearning for him. The visuals of Tokyo in this song made it really bad. I kept thinking about him going about his life and then thinking about if we could ever get back to our relationship. It could have been so beautiful to visit Tokyo to visit his family. I’ve always wanted to take my family there and it could’ve been the perfect excuse. It was just wishful thinking.

Sleep Tight by Holly Humberstone

“Sleep tight, I’m on my way back and feeling kinda sad. ‘Cause you were the best thing I never knew I had…”

Again, imagining what we’d be like if we got back together for real. I held that fondness towards him like a stuffed animal. More daydreaming.

Dive by Holly Humberstone

“But I think we’re cursed if I pull you closer. So, baby, dive in, baby dive in…”

After going back and forth with myself about reaching out to him again, I decided to do it in mid-March 2024. I wouldn’t come in hot and say that I loved him. I’d walk into it, ask how he was doing, assess the waters, and figure out how I could meet him where he’s at. I listened to this song right as I sent my little text reaching out to him saying that I had space to see him again. I loved him so much that I needed to try one more time. It was terrifying to open myself up to the potential rejection and even scarier to see if he wanted to see me again too. I decided to dive in and try anyway. I sang the words of this song as my way of surrendering to God and what would come next. I would only be able to process the next wave of emotions of what would happen next.

The Sadness Sets In

Flatlining by Holly Humberstone

“We just can’t be friends anymore. I pulled the plug and let the line go flat. Now there’s no coming back from that…”

So after I sent the text, I got no response for a week. I knew he was bad at texting so I decided to call him the next week. I saw his photo pop up as I called and I hoped I’d get his voicemail. Sure enough, I left a voicemail message. But then he didn’t respond to that. So at the end of March 2024, I knew I had to give it up and feel the rejection. This song explained the heartbreak starting to set in.

bye by Ariana Grande

“Didn’t think you’d lose me, now it’s just too late to choose me…”

This song was a bop before I was ignored and I played it even more after it happened. I knew I had to say goodbye to letting him back in for real this time. This song put a shimmery disco sheen to the painful realization that I couldn’t entertain the idea of him again. I had to move on.

we can’t be friends (wait for your love) by Ariana Grande

“Just wanna let this story die and I’ll be alright…”

I mean every single word of this song to him (even now). I knew we couldn’t actually be friends after this. I realized listening to this song that he had idealized me and was not willing to just be himself around me. A real relationship was never gonna happen between us if he was not willing to be his entire self around me, even if it felt like he had done that for me. I wanted to be his friend back in the fall. But now it just hurt too much. I will sadly never be a “friends with your exes” kind of girl. Not when it hurts like this one did. This gorgeous song was the sound of my heart breaking about it at the end of March 2024.

Sunshine Baby by The Japanese House

“I miss the feeling that you get when someone fits just like a glove…”

Being sad in the springtime is the worst. Also the fact that Matty Healy was singing background vocals on this song started to piss me off.

Run Your Mouth by The Marías

“Yeah, I’ll wait for you to turn around and talk it through, but we won’t…”

When The Marías dropped this banger, I felt my angst come back and it was giving voice to the fact that I was once again being ignored and hurt. The fact that we couldn’t talk anything through started to make me angry.

Spite by Omar Apollo

“You’re the only place I wanna go, I still wanna take you on a date…”

I knew new Omar Apollo music was gonna hit right, considering that I had been obsessed with him at the start of this fiasco. Sure enough, this one helped me with my angst. It also reminded me I technically owed him for the pizza date back in September.

Nos Despedimos by BEL

“Broke your heart into pieces but you’re on track and I feel it…”

I was sad and angry from being ignored. But I still wanted this to be a graceful goodbye. Maybe there was a deeper reason why this couldn’t work out. I had to just take the L and try to move on. This one was me speaking it in my prayers.

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

“Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn…”

This one got me so good I had to play it on my main IG account. I was sad. I knew better than to fall for potential and illusions. But it’s like I had to one last time.

Guilty As Sin? by Taylor Swift

“What if the way you hold me is actually what’s holy?”

I knew Taylor Swift dropping The Tortured Poets Department was gonna annihilate my emotional state. But I didn’t think it would hit me this bad. This song was not out in April 2023. But it might as well have been written the night of that first date. Once again Taylor Swift had not only read my journal but this time she it was like she had followed me around that night and captured exactly what meeting him was like. When I listened to this song for the first time, my jaw was on the floor. It described how I felt kissing him that first night. I remember talking about my faith with him and him talking about being a pastor’s kid and feeling this tension for how we “should” be acting on a first date vs. how we were just so eager to reach levels of intimacy together. I felt holy and scandalous all at once. It was beautiful and the mess made it special. A year after that first date, I was brokenhearted thinking about that passionate night, asking myself “am I allowed to cry?” Also the fact that it sounds like a 1975 song? Jail.

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus by Taylor Swift

“I changed into goddesses, villains and fools, changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules. All to outrun my desertion of you and you just watched it…”

The normal album had me freaking out. When she dropped the anthology, I had already been crying. When I got to this song, I straight up sobbed in my heartbreak. She said it all, with the right connotations and everything. This song even let me wonder if this heartbreak would always stay with me. It really just hurt so much.

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart by Taylor Swift

“I’m so obsessed with him but he avoids me like the plague. I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art…”

The fact that I had to wake up the next day and log on for work after crying for 3 hours straight the night before was insane. I had been depressed for months already and nothing at work was feeling exciting to me anymore. Yet I tried my best to trudge through. This song felt like me reaching for the familiar people pleaser mask. At least I was aware of it.

Sad To Breathe by The Japanese House

“‘Cause you’re right and I’m tryin’ to change myself, but it’s tirin’. And I go to bed and I’m cryin’ ’cause it’s sad to breathe the air when you’re not there…”

Again, being sad during the springtime is absolutely not a vibe. I hated it in Spring 2024. But I needed to go on my sad little hot girl walks with the trees blossoming in that state. This song sounded like my Spring 2024 best because it’s such a The 1975-esque dancy, pretty song, but the lyrics are truly devastating.

Just A Feeling by Maroon 5

“Obsessed, depressed at the same time, I can’t even walk in a straight line…”

The entire first half of 2024 I was sad about this situation for different reasons but in April 2024, it felt like the worst of it. Partially because I was reckoning with the deep wounds that had been exposed. But even more so that it felt like he had lied to me. He asked me not to hesitate to reach out to him and when I didn’t he ignored me? I felt betrayed by him, a victim of wishful thinking again. I knew it was over. I couldn’t keep wishing for him to make space for me.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys by Taylor Swift

“But first pull the string and I’ll tell you that he runs because he loves me…”

My feelings about the situation felt like an oscillating glob between sadness and angst. And at the same time, I was still yearning for him. This one gave voice to it. I was angry at him because I felt like he had ruined us from the start. I was ready to love him and he seemed to have shut it down. Once I got angry about it, I felt this Taylor Swift song in my veins. The past eras of my life had made me feel like a doll in a dollhouse and now I felt like Woody in Toy Story 2 when Andy goes “I don’t wanna play with you anymore”. Listening to this song would remind me how the anger would crash back into sadness and it just sucked. I remember listening to this song to go bowling with my team at my last job and I felt just distracted with realizing how close we were to the bar where he and I had met the year before.

Dancing With Our Hands Tied by Taylor Swift

“I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted…”

Full disclosure, this is one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs ever. And it started to hit different after this whole thing had happened. I knew my messiness had gotten in the way. And I knew his messiness had gotten in the way. We had been dancing with our hands tied. And it made me really sad.

Depression II by Quarters of Change

“Depression over you, you played my heart to your favorite tune…”

Quarters of Change made the space for my depression to look sexy. I rocked out to this song at the show, the year after that fateful Thursday had happened, surrounded by my rockstar loves. Incredibly sad, a little drunk, and trying my best to exorcise the sadness out of my body.

Anger and Starting to Let it Go

Heaven Bound by Quarters of Change

“I kinda think that it’s over now, heaven sent, heaven bound…”

I was the most excited to hear this song at the show because it was the movement on my shoulder to move on. I sobbed, I screamed, I danced, I looked around to see Christo Bowman of Bad Suns, Lachlan from Last Dinosaurs, the Never Ending Fall boys, and my friend Doreen just soaking in the music, so present in the moment. And it was the first time I felt like I would see the end of this heartbreak. I had to remind myself that even if I felt like this man was heaven sent a year ago, it was possible that he was also heaven bound and not meant to be in my life anymore. Thankfully the QOC fans had given me a paper blue heart that says “heaven sent heaven bound” to hold up with my phone camera that night. Since then, I had that heart on my desk/vanity. It’s been a token that helped me so much. I might take it down soon.

Tightrope by Quarters of Change

“There’s nothing I can do but say goodbye…”

After letting myself go at the concert, I was naturally on a Quarters of Change kick again and this song called me to sit in reality again. It hurt to acknowledge the fact that he had rejected me but this song tenderly reminded me that “we all fall down”. It was ok to keep being sad and angry and whatever, but it was necessary for me to find a way to move on.

GLOOMTOWN BRATS by I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

“You’ve been so polite. Thank god for charm school. But if I read this right, then all this attention’s intentionally cruel…”

This was me processing the anger. Especially as we neared his birthday at the end of April 2024. Hearing this song live then was the best channel to shake it out.

Good Luck, Babe! by Chappell Roan

“And I cry, it’s not fair, I just need a little lovin’, I just need a little air. I think I’m gonna call it off even if you call it love. I just wanna love someone who calls me “Baby”…”

This was the vibe on his birthday last year. I was trying to move on, just picturing him upset at himself for fumbling me. But of course I was still so sad that I couldn’t be with him a year later. It was frustrating. What might have started as frustration towards myself morphed into full frustration at him.

But The Love Lingers

everytime by Ariana Grande

“Why oh why does God keep bringing me back to you…”

Among the frustration I felt again, I still held the fact that I still loved him. As much as I wanted to move on, I was stuck in an endless loop trying to figure out what all the synchronicities in our love story were all about. I didn’t want to admit that I was struggling. But I was. The rejection was so fresh and even though I had told myself and all my friends that I could get through it, it was proving harder than I thought.

Hate You by Jungkook

“Maybe hatin’ you’s the only way it doesn’t hurt…”

I could only get over it by getting angry. But he hadn’t done anything to hurt me outright. He just couldn’t show up for me. That wasn’t necessarily his fault. But making it his fault kept the deeper sadness at bay.

Thursday by Holly Humberstone

“And I was kinda hoping, you were kind of broken too…”

I was sad listening to this song and thinking of him fondly again. This was classic grief not being linear.

The Tortured Poets Department by Taylor Swift

“But you’re in self-sabotage mode throwing spikes down on the road. But I’ve seen this episode and still loved the show. Who else decodes you? And who’s gonna hold you like me?”

This song made me feel like I too had dated Matty Healy. Also I definitely scratched his head while he fell asleep on our third date. It was a sweet moment. I had lingering feelings to work through.

Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift

“But if the story’s over why am I still writing pages?”

This one really spoke to the fact that my grief with him was not linear. I was SO impacted by meeting this man. I mean I’m literally sat here writing all these words two years later. Dare I say, it was so human I felt seen by Taylor Swift’s messiest songs.

Acceptance Creeps In

There It Goes by Maisie Peters

“But oh, the way I loved you, I will not be embarrassed of that. Just should’ve known when to quit…”

“There It Goes” was the first glimpse into the new life I wanted to live. I wanted to be in London, running down Columbia Road where they’d be selling sunflowers cheap. This song helped me visualize a future without this ex, while still maintaining that I loved him. It was the perfect song to help me start to move on. Slowly I started to picture a future where I was chasing these dreams. It first hit me in May 2024, right before I was let go from my job. And now the song will be coming into fruition this June. It’s wild. So yeah this one really means a lot to me.

erase me by Lizzy McAlpine and Jacob Collier

“And I’ve said too much, in and out of wanting us, now you’re fading and I wonder who will erase me?”

This song was the key to my anger in the grief process. I loved him so hard. But it felt like such a betrayal to be ignored by him after he told me “not to hesitate” in reaching back out to him. As I resolved to start moving on, I had to give space and befriend the anger to fully move on. Seeing Lizzy McAlpine in concert was gonna be the key.

doomsday by Lizzy McAlpine

“And the funny thing is I would’ve married you, if you’d have stuck around. I feel more free than I have in years, six feet in the ground…”

I did feel like I could have married him. I remember telling my friend Eden about it before I tried reaching out in March 2024. I mean the daydreaming of that had started back when we were actually dating. This song was the start of me realizing that a rebirth of me was in progress and there was a thread of liberation I was finally detecting. Save for my job at the time, I was so close to doing whatever I wanted to do next.

Better Than This by Lizzy McAlpine

“But I like to be seen and I like to be wanted. Want it to mean something. And we never quite knew how to be honest. Honest to God, I should go. Someone will love me better than this…”

This song tenderly reminded me that I needed to believe that I could be loved better than he loved me. It was a reminder of all the progress in my work of self-compassion. As special as all the synchronicities had been, the reality was that he couldn’t show up for me like I needed him to. And I knew I needed someone to be consistent for me.

Vortex by Lizzy McAlpine

“Someday I’ll be able to let you go. Oh, oh. Someday I’ll be kinder to myself…”

Hearing this one live at her show felt like a commitment to myself in the midst of moving on from the sadness.

ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine

“But it’s not real and you don’t exist. And I can’t recall the last time I was kissed. It hits me in the car and it feels like the end of a movie I’ve seen before…”

The wave of sadness crashing into anger again was best portrayed by this song. Especially hearing it live made me feel like I would be able to breathe and not cry anymore. Yes I still pictured our intimate moments playing like a music video. But the reality of him not being a present figure in my life started to set in.

Now That We Don’t Talk by Taylor Swift

“I cannot be your friend so I pay the price of what I lost and what it cost, now that we don’t talk…”

Similar sentiment to “we can’t be friends (wait for your love)”. But more angst.

It Is What It Is by Rachel Chinouriri

“It is what it is, what it is, is a problem…”

As I started to get over it, I started to just write it off as “it is what it is”. This one felt like my inner dialogue. Thank you Rachel.

never been in love by Gatlin

“I almost had it one time, but then he left me for Jesus Christ…”

One of the reasons he claimed he was too busy to make time for me was that he went to seminary. Yeah, of course I sang that part extra loud.

eternal sunshine by Ariana Grande

“I’d rather forget than know, know for sure what we could’ve fought through behind this door. So I close it and move…”

I couldn’t keep just being sad all of spring and into summer in 2024. This song helped me vocalize that it was hard to forget him but I needed to move on. He was my “eternal sunshine” and acknowledging that would help me to keep moving forward.

Anything by Selfish Sons

“If I let go, maybe we’ll get back someday…”

This song was me realizing the old adage of “if you love something let it go.” I needed to stew in it.

Peter by Taylor Swift

“Lost to the Lost Boys chapter of your life. Forgive me, Peter, please know that I tried to hold on to the days when you were mine. But the woman that sits at the window has turned out the light…”

This one really spoke to me processing the fact that he couldn’t really date me properly because he had to get his life in order. He was Peter as in Peter Pan. But for me he was also Peter as in Jesus’s best friend that knew he fucked up in denying Him. This one helped me start to wrap up my love for him in a nice bow.

Done With You by Omar Apollo

“I’m so done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you, done…”

I was so ready to have a hot girl summer after crying all Spring 2024. This one was the light bop that I needed because I thought I was done crying about it.

New Grief Compounds

Taking It Slow by Never Ending Fall

“Living used to feel like heaven ’til you dragged me through hell…”

Even though I had gotten to a good place of acceptance with him, getting laid off from my job led me right back to the sadness. And the NEF boys released this perfect hazy song to walk me through the new grief that began to compound.

happiness by Taylor Swift

“There’ll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you. Both of these things can be true, there is happiness…”

I meant that for the chapter at that job and I meant it for him. I cried for a week after I was let go, but then I jetted off to London and Paris for some much needed change of scenery. In the name of moving forward right?

b2b by Charli XCX

“Took a long time, breaking myself down, building myself up, repeating it…”

I dreaded having to grieve again, especially in prime hot girl summertime. Thankfully it was brat summer and it was very brat to be annoyed with grieving something for the billionth time.

Paris by The 1975

“And how I’d love to go to Paris again…”

London lived up to the teenage dream I had and it was amazing. But on one of those days in London, he popped up in my IG story viewers for the first time in months. Likely on accident but he still saw it. When the tour headed to Paris, I got sad again. Partially because I was realizing the trip would soon be over and I needed to confront reality again. I ended up crying on the subway talking about this ex to my tour director Julia and was remembering how much he had meant to me. I remembered him and his best friend talking about this song at The 1975 show. So naturally I wrote my own song called “Paris” about how I was feeling.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived by Taylor Swift

“I would’ve died for your sins instead I just died inside…”

While overwhelmed by the chaos in Paris and feeling the sadness about my ex again, I found an outlet in this song. It was the last day of the trip and Paris was having its citywide summer music festival. I went alone to retrieve a jacket I left at a restaurant the night before and I was so overstimulated by the crowds everywhere. I felt the sadness about the trip ending and I didn’t want to go back home and deal with everything. The restaurant ended up closing early so it was a total wash. But I cried my eyes out on the subway to this one.

Down Bad by Taylor Swift

“‘Cause fuck it I was in love…”

Coming back from my London and Paris trip was like going back to square one. I had an avalanche of grief to deal with. But also, I needed find ways to move on. I knew from my work of self-compassion that I needed to make space for it all. And it started with realizing I was still down bad for him.

us. by Gracie Abrams and Taylor Swift

“Do you miss us, us? Wonder if you regret the secret of us…”

This was me first starting to wonder how he thought of this whole thing. After he had likely accidentally seen my story, I wondered if that was him peeking his head into my life missing me.

Anything by Griff

“Did you realise the power you had over me when you loved like that?…I would’ve done anything you wanted…”

Listening to this song in Summer 2024 was a trip. On one hand, I was reckoning with the anger I felt from being let go by him and my job. But I knew both those things had been really special to me. I guess this was me bargaining to have a chance to prove myself again.

Making Space for Grief and Acceptance

Burton St. by OSTON

“Just because you broke me doesn’t mean life stopped, I’m not broken without you…”

This was me trying to remember that the bigger storyline of our love was that I needed to focus on what I wanted and what was best for me. Especially after this new loss, I needed to remember what I needed.

Creatures in Heaven by Glass Animals

“I don’t see the point in a subtle romance…”

I know I said in my end of year reflection last year that this song reminds me of all the good I had to let go of last year. To be completely honest, I really do mostly think about this ex when I hear this song. I mean I bawled my eyes out at the Glass Animals concert when they played this song and he was all I was thinking about in that moment. It caught me by surprise to say the least. I hadn’t had such a profound connection with anyone like I did with him. In so many ways, it’s like he saw all of me and still chose to see me as beautiful AND was inviting me to be messy around him. I felt like we had been made for each other and I’d never felt that way before in a relationship. Dave really said it best: we were just creatures in heaven. The thing about that situation that’s made me feel fucking insane is that yes, we really only dated for like a month in spring 2023 (which by the way, was when Dave was likely writing this album btw). I know, you’re been reading this post so long you’ve forgotten the timeline. It was a really short time, but it meant so much. Dating him was the catalyst behind the growth of the last two years. He scared me, and more notably, I scared him. It was a real connection. It’s like we saw each other as mirrored versions of ourselves. Whereas I was trying to break through my blocks with him, he saw me and basically said I “can’t get my shit together for you right now”. I could see that he wanted to, so badly. But he couldn’t. And that broke my heart. The ending of our relationship carried a lot of love on both sides. Like Dave sings, “I don’t see the point in a subtle romance”…like ever. Especially this one. But I knew the compassionate thing that this song pointed to was to hold the love and still choose to move on.

Wonderful Nothing by Glass Animals

“You drew blood, I set myself on fire, but you’ve had your time…”

We all know this by now: Glass Animals was crucial in me getting over him. This one was about me stepping into my power again. But this time with nothing left to lose. And naturally it came with a dose of “this is all your fault”.

Are You Scared of Me Yet? by Daisy Grenade

“A house that’s always haunted, you want it. Are you scared of me yet?”

I felt this song big time. I really had nothing left to lose. So I had to become even more cool and maybe scare him even more from afar.

Oontz by MICHELLE

“Baby, hit my blindside, I wanna know, wanna know how long it’s been since I played the fool…”

This bop was all about the feelings of betrayal. I grooved to this one all July 2024 trying to shake off the recent hurt from being laid off compounding with this heartbreak. This song stepped in as to say “you were lead astray bestie, you can dance it out”.

ISABEL by Never Ending Fall

“I’ll promise that I’ll write you a letter as soon as I get it together…”

The NEF boys were back with the song to help me keep chasing my next dream in summer 2024. I had to just pretend that he was somehow still pining after me to boost my ego a little.

Maybe You Saved Me by Bad Suns and PVRIS

“Maybe you hate me or maybe I’m crazy or maybe you saved me by letting me go…”

This one really helped me realize that the endings I was grieving had been for my benefit. I knew I was heading into a brand new chapter all around. While I still had a lot of love in the grief, I needed to realize that God really was telling me something new had to come next. I just had to believe that I was done a favor by being let go from my job and this lover.

Arm’s Length by Kacey Musgraves

“You did me a favor, even though it hurt. I guess even my savior complex couldn’t make it work…”

Kacey really reminded me how much this situation had been a mess that triggered all my insecurities. I knew it triggered him too. This was me making space to hold the pain with compassion on both sides.

running in circles by Faith Zapata

“I guess I’m into this, into making you notice. The damage that you did and all the hurt that you’ve thrown in my direction. Because you just won’t get it together. There’s a part of you that needs this, I can’t be the one to fix it…”

This was me dealing with the unlinear grief. But with a dose of “remember it was his fault too”.

Killing Me by Conan Gray

“You’re killin’ me, I just want you to free me. And though I am cryin’ and bleedin’ and barely breathin’, I can’t let go of your heart…”

More unlinear grief. I had to convince myself everyday that part of me did accept that I was moving on and I wasn’t gonna let myself continue to drown in the sadness of it.

A Thought Experiment

The Final Fight by Conan Gray

“There’s nothing left to do, but finally tell you what you put me through tonight…”

This was me realizing that I needed to continue making art about this love. I was gonna finish my music project to pour into me. I was gonna keep writing songs about him for my next project. And eventually I was gonna compile all the songs that helped me get over him.

the 1 by Taylor Swift

“In my defense, I have none for digging up the grave another time. But it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one…”

This one speaks for itself. It really would’ve been sweet.

I Don’t Feel by Never Ending Fall

“I’ll be the one who got away, the one who stole your heart. At least I showed you you’re capable of loving too…”

By the time August set in and the NEF boys finally released their album, I felt this song resonate. I started not caring about him as much. But I could still picture him feeling bad about fumbling me. I literally started dating someone new at this time just to try and get out there again.

lacy by Olivia Rodrigo

“I see you everywhere, the sweetest torture one could bear. Smart sexy Lacy, I’m losing it lately…”

Again this was me picturing him just in shambles. He went to see Olivia Rodrigo in August 2024 and I only knew that because he told me bought tickets when we got dinner in September 2023. I kept picturing him listening to this song and thinking of me again. Another ego boost for me admittedly.

Sharpest Tool by Sabrina Carpenter

“We were going right, then you took a left. Left me with a lot of shit to second guess. Guess I’ll waste another year on wondering if. If that was casual, then I’m an idiot…”

When Sabrina Carpenter came out with this song, I felt an aftershock of the pain. It’s like I tapped into the frustration again. She helped me with this song, especially because I started to feel like so much of our issues would’ve been solved if we had talked to each other.

For Cryin’ Out Loud by FINNEAS

“For cryin’ out loud, I’m calling your name. You’re wearing me out, but I love you the same…”

More unlinear grief. I still loved him.

Take Care by NIKI

“You take the cake for a love so rare. So you take care…”

NIKI’s album helped me deal with the twists and turns of the grief. This sweet song hearkened back to the sentiment in “Creatures in Heaven”.

High Definition by Waterparks

“I’ll be home just thinking about it, maybe call like I used to. But I’ll just stay alone, because alone is safer than with you…”

And this one also speaks for itself. It spoke in summer 2024 and even now it still completely says it all.

Youuu by COIN

“I found another ex, some temporary settlement to kiss the heartbreak off my lips…don’t let go if you love me, don’t move on, don’t move on…”

I always loved the sonics of this song but I knew I’d be in some serious trouble if I ever felt every word. And in summer 2024 it became true. I full on dated another man that summer. He even asked me my relationship history. But I couldn’t get excited about him. Part of me was still thinking about the guy that this entire post is about. I felt so messy about it but I didn’t care. I needed to honor where I stood with it.

The Fondness Sets In

What If I Love You by Gatlin

“What if I loved you? What if I loved you way too much? What if I love you?”

At the end of summer 2024, I felt like I was finally accepting the fact that I did love him. I was so stubborn in accepting that because it felt so weak of me to do so. For so long I felt like it wasn’t possible for me to hold present love for someone I was trying to leave behind. But suddenly I realized that accepting that would help me move on faster.

Fortnight by Taylor Swift ft. Post Malone

“And I love you, it’s ruining my life. (I love you, it’s ruining my life) I touched you for only a fortnight, but I touched you…”

This was me being stubborn about accepting the fact that I loved him. I loved him and it was ruining my life, truly.

Blue Moon by NIKI

“And I know it’s not every day you meet somebody like you. It’s once in the bluest moon, the love we had and still do…”

This song captures our love story like nothing else honestly. It calls back to every little bit of our story honestly. It helped me make sense of the love I had for him. It was rare and I knew it. But also it spoke to the mysterious suspicion I had that we could one day cross paths again.

A Tear in Space (Airlock) by Glass Animals

“I’m here, but you aren’t sure. What are you waiting for?”

I talked about this one already. The desperation in trying to let go was too real. And Dave Bayley captured the tension between the love and the need to break the bigger cycle and move on. Dave Bayley is literally the reason I got over it.

Your Love (Déjà Vu) by Glass Animals

“Too far from over you, beams from your M2 are blowing through my room…”

I’ve talked about this one already too in my Dreamland post. It helped me a lot throughout Fall 2024. But I definitely turned it on louder when I was swiping on Hinge in October 2024 and his profile came up again. The app had the audacity to tell me that we were “most compatible” and I could have punched a wall lol. It was insanely comical how I had just been telling my best friend Juliette that I was feeling pretty over him and then right after I said that, his profile came up. Another synchronicity? Idk dude.

Colossal Loss by NIKI

“To my benefit and your colossal loss. To my sadness and your sadder colossal loss…”

This was the lingering anger shaking out of my system in Fall 2024. Some of it was the compounded grief but most of it I was remembering that he really lost out on me.

The Dave Bayley/Glass Animals Interlude

Pork Soda by Glass Animals

“Why can’t we laugh now like we did then? How come I see you and ache instead?”

This and the following songs were me in my Glass Animals feels trying to get over it. Unlinear grief with an assist from my new rockstar love, Dave Bayley.

Hot Sugar by Glass Animals

“I don’t wanna be around you, just wanna be like you…”

My favorite Glass Animals/Dave Bayley moment in this mess of a grief process. We had been a couple of cool kids dating once upon a time. This song pointed to us mirroring each other.

Waterfalls Coming Out Your Mouth by Glass Animals

“Drip drop, gimme what you got. Your talk is incredible. So, so, so unusual, you taste like surfing videos….”

We were both pretending to be someone we weren’t. He was such a charming speaker.

Cane Shuga by Glass Animals

“Burn through my love, just like your drugs. I’ve had quite enough or lack thereof…”

This was me being bitter towards him.

How I Learned To Love The Bomb by Glass Animals

“And you’re just two-sided. So goddamn indecisive, oh. And it’s deep in, inside you. I think I just found the bomb…”

I talked about this one in my end of year recap. But in Fall 2024, it was me wrestling with the idea that he felt inadequate around me for the entire relationship. On one hand, he wanted to be the man I needed. On the other, he could have felt like his baggage was too much for me. I started thinking less about that as time went on.

Youth by Glass Animals

“Boy, I want you to be happy, free to run, get dizzy on caffeine…”

After sobbing to “Creatures in Heaven” and “Lost in the Ocean” at the Glass Animals show, the band played this one and it’s like I tasted what fully accepting and moving on would be like. This song helped me learn to send little messages of love in prayers for him. I still wish it for him.

Helium by Glass Animals

“I guess I want you more than I thought I did. Now that I know that part of you’s not part of this…”

I cried to this one in Fall 2024 multiple times. As I started to accept the fact that I was moving on and the emotions were starting to fade, Dave Bayley came to me with this one as a snapback into reality. It made me sad to move on. But I knew I wasn’t as devastated as I had been because I was moving onto bigger and better things. I guess it just made me sad that this former lover wouldn’t be able to see me in my new and improved state.

Heat Waves by Glass Animals

“Now I gotta let you go, you’ll be better off in someone new…”

I finally felt the sadness in this song and it changed it for me. Of course I had danced kinda joyfully to this song at the show and obviously I had heard it everywhere when it topped the charts. But in light of moving on from this former lover, the grief in this song really shone.

Letting Go (For Real)

Mine by Orla Gartland

“It’s taken me twenty-eight years to let anyone touch me the way I let you…”

Orla came through swinging with this song. And it spoke to the fondness I was holding in the grief. It also spoke to the way I had learned to listen to my body in my work of self-compassion.

SOUND OF LETTING GO by Orla Gartland

“I can’t change you, can’t change me, can’t change anything. So I guess I gotta let it go that’s the sound of letting go…”

Orla was absolutely right again. And that’s why I love her.

Starfucker by FINNEAS

“You Starfucker, I loved you against my better judgment…”

This was the bitterness creeping in again.

loml by Taylor Swift

“And I’ll still see it until I die, you’re the loss of my life…”

This song hit different in Fall 2024. Yes, I was letting go and moving on. But I did still love him amidst it. As I reckoned with the embers of my love for him, I felt the anger and sadness again intertwine in a way that I couldn’t shake. My new life was calling me to be present but I still had to contend with the fact that everything my life was changing for good because of him.

Maybe One Day by Simone

“Maybe one day, I’ll forgive you. Maybe one day, I’ll move on…”

I felt so seen by this song in the unlinear grief. I was over him, but I couldn’t quite forgive him about it yet. I was starting to move on, but it was a slow trudge. This one felt like a sweet and patient song to myself.

How To Hide A Body by Daisy Grenade

“Finally you’re not around, time to put you in the ground…”

By the time I got to the end of October 2024, I was feeling ready to just completely forget it. I was tired of grieving over and over and over again. I mean at that point I had been tortured by the uncertainty of this situation for an entire year and a half. I had grieved him for longer than I had actually interacted with him. I was ready to completely let it go.

I Never Loved You by Halsey

“Trying to love you through an open wound ’cause everything I put inside there just fell right through…”

The embers of my love for him would flicker. And this one was a good reminder. I never loved him in vain.

I Don’t Wanna Talk (I Just Wanna Dance) by Glass Animals

“I was dumb trying to work things out. I built a house and you burned it down…”

This song was me being tired of the grief process. But also still recalling the whole mess it was.

That’s So True by Gracie Abrams

“Remember how I died when you started walking? That’s my life, that’s my life…”

A little bratty moment lol. It was part of the unlinear grief.

Untether by Sophie Truax

“I don’t wanna talk anymore, I don’t want you around, but I still want closure…”

I was really sick of grieving him in late Fall 2024. But I knew I needed to give myself closure in some way.

Season 2 Episode 3 by Glass Animals

“Don’t you need me, oh baby boy? ‘Cause I’m so happy without your noise…”

This was me settling into completely letting it go.

Sunday Best by Lauren Mayberry

“I’ll look for you in your Sunday best and you can remind me it ends…”

I knew I was fully moving on when I was listening to new music and not thinking of him the entire time. At the end of 2024, I was exhausted from having just grieved so much. Yes I was grieving him. But I was also grieving my last job and all the times I had not been compassionate towards myself, like I had earlier in the year. My ego was in shambles after it all honestly. But I knew I still loved him after all of it. But I could keep moving on even with that fondness in my heart. This song told me that it was ok to do all of that.

Lately…

Never Change by COIN

“So I talk to God and I ask him how you are…”

This song stood out to me at the beginning of this year. Knowing that it’s best to not repress emotions in the grief process, I constantly hold the love in my heart for him. I’ve been learning not to repress the lingering grief/love with nowhere else to go. As controversial as it is to still listen to COIN now, I feel like this song starts to remind me how just being with him showed me that I needed a new level of compassion. In some ways this song is what could have been. But I have to constantly remind myself that if it’s not him, it’s something better. The time with him was special, but it does me more good to imagine all the good parts are possible again. Except this time it’ll be with someone that won’t run away so easily. It’ll be with someone who will be adamant about staying when it gets messy.

Lately II by COIN

“Yeah, it broke my heart, but it cut your soul…”

Having to grieve another round of things in January 2025 was so annoying. But I knew to hold the fondness with all of the sadness. I did think of him when LA was on fire. But I wasn’t gonna let that be the reason I reached out.

Lately III by COIN

“You were all I needed, for a second, you were all I needed…”

This one spoke for itself in January 2025.

Something, Somehow, Someday by ROLE MODEL

“But I believe they’re meant to be something, somehow, someday…”

This song made me chuckle when I heard it on Valentine’s Day this year because I wondered if he would think about me listening to this song. Because I did. Like I did with “lacy” by Olivia Rodrigo, I was thinking about him kicking himself for fumbling me. But again I was thinking about the synchronicities. It tapped into that sweet spot that was forming in my heart for him.

Do You Think About It Too? by Sabrina Song

“I knew right then that there would never be closure…”

I heard this song also on Valentine’s Day and it gave me the words to check in with myself. I do still wonder about how he thinks about our time together. I know he thinks it was special too but I’ve not been in contact with him to so brazenly ask. So that’s why I have this song to listen to when I drive by places where we had dates or when I look up at the stars at night. I’ve made my peace with it.

Glint by Sarah Kinsley

“There is no love lost when you stop breathing, I swear I remember everything…”

This song has been hitting the familiar feeling of wondering how the synchronicities continue to follow me, even now. Whether it’s been me looking up at the clock exactly at 4:28 all the time or even the waiter at the Thai restaurant that looked eerily like him a few weeks ago.

Boys by Hippo Campus

“Kissing boys, missing work, got hungover from your words…”

At the beginning of this year, I was feeling just a little nostalgic realizing how this entire cycle had been the last 3 years. You know, the whole Hippo Campus realization of it all. He was part of it, for sure.

Forget It by Hippo Campus

“I’ll forget it, you’ll forget it…”

I think I talked about this one already in my Hippo Campus post. But in late February I was feeling the long awaited peace from holding the fondness gently and realizing I made the right decision to move on.

i hate texas by mxmtoon

“And I’m wanting change so bad that I’ll go Southern, find another brand-new beginning…”

I’m not gonna lie to y’all. Part of the reason I want to go in London for a bit is to get the heck out of LA/southern California so I completely decrease my chances of running into him. I know, divine intervention was likely behind us running into each other back in September 2023. But the chance of running into him in the big small town that is LA has never been 0. I honestly feel like I won’t be completely over it until I leave the country oops.

Same Old Story by FINNEAS

“It’s controversial that I am still yours…”

Yeah…even with me still wanting to leave the country. I do still hold that love in my heart. I’m just less willing to act on it without knowing we’d actually take each other seriously.

Strangers by Sid Simons

“If you’re thinking of me, then I’m probably thinking of you. The day you forget my name, I’ll forget yours too…”

Leave it to adding lyrics on a video for Sid Simons for work to make me think about this ex again. This song helped me so much in this new round of acceptance. But this time I was able to hold the fondness and realize that it wouldn’t scare me for us to be strangers to each other again.

Little Freak by Harry Styles

“I’m not worried about where you are, or who you will go home to, I’m just thinking about you…”

The stage of acceptance has started to settle in and it’s brought me a lot of peace lately. The sadness may remain but it’s truly started to caramelize into a sweet fondness towards this man. I do still carry a lot of love in my heart but it’s given me so much peace to realize how pivotal meeting him ended up being. I’m standing at this stage in my life feeling just immense gratitude having had such a fateful meeting. I hope he’s doing well and even if role-playing running into him with a fiance with my therapist recently stirred up some bitterness in me, it felt good for me to remember the ways my life is finally moving forward and into some big dreams I’ve had. Not sure I would’ve had the courage to live so authentically without him.

Paths by NIKI

“And you taught me a lot, stretched and wrung and tossed. I’m sorry we got lost. I hope our paths cross again…”

This one has been hitting different as of late. Part of me hopes our paths cross again. But most of me is just ready to leave it all behind. Part of me thinks that the love we shared doesn’t exist anymore; it’s just me still holding onto what was. But then another part of me is kinda scared that the love could still exist. Who knows how much he’s changed in the past 2 years. Not sure if I wanna know the answer to that, if I’m being completely honest.

Delete Ya by Djo

“One heart could bleed for the future us, if we were young, but this is done.”

This one’s been on repeat lately. I’m so sick of this storyline and rehashing it all for this blog post is like my way of deleting it. Like offloading files from my brain onto Google Drive. It’s been cathartic being insane on this blog post.

Relationships by HAIM

“I think I’m in love, but I can’t stand fuckin’ relationships…”

Another bop I’ve been keeping on repeat. They really read me and my exasperation with this situation. I haven’t dated much since this whole thing because I’ve been trying to heal those deeper issues. And I’ve made a lot of progress! But also trying to find someone that won’t be terrible to me has been exhausting. So I’m trying to focus on things that bring me joy in general. It’s a hard world we’re in these days.

Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift

“Hey Stephen, I know looks can be deceiving, but I know I saw a light in you…”

Well, congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of this very long post so here’s the name drop – except it’s with a “v”, not “ph”. Apparently this is one of Matty Healy’s favorite Taylor songs too. At some point I remember daydreaming about singing this song to him lol. If you are the Steven I’ve been talking about, hi. Kinda curious to hear what you think about all this. If you think I’m insane for this, I am. I know I am. (All those other girls, well, they’re beautiful, but would they write a publicly long playlist about everything they ever felt for you?) But actually, if you read this carefully you’d know I had more to say about myself in this playlist than I had about you. Anyway, reach out if you dare. Happy to tell my side of the story face to face. If I’ve scared you away then it’s my confirmation that our love story has truly ended. Either way, I’ve recovered quite the sense of peace in the last 2 years and I’m proud of myself for it.

hope ur ok by Olivia Rodrigo

“God, I hope that you’re happier today. ‘Cause I love you, and I hope that you’re okay.”

I mean it. I really wish nothing but the best.

Now What? by Orla Gartland

“And just like that the air has changed and so have we. I am completely fucking free, now what?”

And so yeah, that’s the exact vibe at the present moment. Orla Gartland never fails to read me to filth honestly. Who even knows what happens next and when. I guess God will show me soon. But for now, this is fully out of my system. I am so excited to see what my future love story has for me. I feel ready for a new chapter of romance. I’m hoping it’ll find me in London this summer. It feels like I’ve earned it.