Yes, yes — it is true. I am officially in my 30s as of this past Sunday. It’s a new decade of my life and it makes the most sense for me to be reporting this all from London, the city that I am building a home in for the next decade of my life.

Here is a picture from the festivities because I’m sorry I was so high off of oxytocin from being with the love of my life and then my week got started before I realized it.

Undeniably, I was kind of sad in the lead up to my birthday this year because as much as I needed to be in London celebrating with Luke, this is one party that my closest friends and family were unable to be at. And it’s symbolic because I’m understanding the next 10 years of my life will not look like the last 10 years of my life.

Somehow this feeling takes me back to how I felt on the evening of my 20th birthday. I was studying abroad in Shanghai at the time and those adventures led me to sitting at the Tsim Sha Tsui waterfront in Hong Kong on the night before my birthday and Lunar New Year. I remember wandering around the city a little aimlessly, trying to kill time on a layover on my way to Thailand. I remember just being in awe of how the British influence was so present: everyone was driving on the other side of the road, the Union Jack was flying, and there was just this homey feeling as I walked through the chaos of it all. At the time it made me wonder if I could find my way back to Hong Kong. But I also remember dreaming about what London would be like and putting out the prayer that I wanted to visit London in the next decade.

Fast forward to now, celebrating my 30th birthday in London and feeling this deeply rooted feeling of home. And I’m surprised to be learning that home is more than just a city. It’s a person. It’s also a village of people that choose to walk with you wherever in the world you may be. And while I’ve been aware that I’ve been building a great foundation in myself the past 10 years, I’m realizing the next 10 years is gonna be about building that home.

It feels both exciting and heartbreaking to understand that is my goal for this next decade of my life. Exciting because I’m being seen and understood like I’ve craved my entire life. It’s made me actually conceptualize the weight of my presence in ways I’ve never been able to see before. But with that same joy, I’m grieving again thinking about how I won’t get to partake in the presence of the people and place that raised me like I’ve been used to. And that sadness has really weighed heavy on me lately.

My 30s are about to lead me into the biggest adventure of my life: the process of building a new home and family. And it’s complicated by the fact that this home is 1) in a different country than I had mentally prepared for and 2) I am romanticizing it now but I still don’t fully know the amount of work I’m in for.

I suppose the things that make me believe this is possible to achieve are as follows: 1) my parents moved from their homes to build a new life, 2) I’ve been dreaming about this my entire life and I KNOW God has been behind all of it so far, 3) I’ve lived (studied) abroad before and I’ve honestly longed for this kind of life since then, and 4) Luke is the exact man to help me do this. Building a home with a person that already feels so much like home is such a beautifully surreal blessing. Honestly I can’t believe I was living without him less than a year ago. And I don’t want to imagine the rest of my life without him.

I’m sitting with this new grief as I feel the gravity of what I’m gonna have to do to make way for this adventure. It means leaving my family behind. Leaving my all the friends I’ve made over the last 10+ years. Leaving the church community I was getting to know. Leaving LA and its familiarity behind. And while everyone in my life has been moving on, I can’t help but feel guilty that I’m gonna do it in this big, kinda complicated way. LA and all these people have loved me well in different seasons during my 20s, but God is moving me elsewhere and I know this is what’s best for me. I will say though, the sweet thing is that I get to send love letter postcards to my pals back in America now around my birthday/Valentine’s Day. I hope to keep up this tradition.

Because I can’t just be sad all the time in this new grief, I’m realizing how much I need to ground myself in the new things that are blooming. And that’s kind of making me see winter differently.

I’ve always hated the fact that I was born basically in the middle of winter because it’s my least favorite season. But idk, something’s been fueling a newfound optimism about it lately. It feels like I’m realizing how much the dark, cold rainy times come with their own blessings. That it’s in the darkness that new ideas and perspectives and ways of doing things are formed. And then when all hope feels lost, you start seeing flowers bloom. It’s not a coincidence that the first signs of spring start in the latter part of February — around Luke’s birthday no less. It’s like the haze of January has lifted and now the real changes of the year can start. Now the new flowers can bloom. That’s kind of where I find myself on the first week of being 30.

I’ve started getting asked how old I am followed by a “really?? You look so young!!”, which feels like the wildest change. When I was a kid, I really prided myself on being mature for my age. Like I remember being 12 years old at a Macy’s with my mom and feeling a weird sense of superiority that someone thought I worked there lol. I blame this on the pandemic for sure because something happened when I turned 25 that I just started sort of aging backwards a little. And I kind of love that.

This next decade of my life is gonna be something really special. And it’s already felt special for the way my life feels like a fairytale right now. But it’s gonna be long and bittersweet process that’s gonna take some time. That said I want to share my soundtrack to what my 30th year sounds like, the songs holding my hand through the grief, and maybe even a little bit about what I’m dreaming the rest of the decade to look like.

Highlights

What The Hell by Avril Lavigne

“All my life I’ve been good but now, I’m thinking ‘what the hell’…”

So why am I kicking off this playlist with this song? Well, there’s this sense I’ve been developing that 1) I don’t want to care about what people think anymore and 2) I’m moving into a more embodied version of my teenage self. It feels so right that I get to feel this freedom in London, the very place that teenage me DREAMED about being in. As I move into my 30s, I want to be liberated from the expectations I’ve thought people have had about me. I just do not have the brain space to carry that anymore. It’s EXHAUSTING. So can you blame me for having a bit of a bratty attitude towards being “good” as in “always doing the right thing”?

CUFF IT by Beyoncé

“Yeah you, come and cuff it, cuff it, cuff it baby…”

Yeah, so I told Luke that we are in engagement territory after he meets my parents in April. I feel insane admitting that…especially since I initially told him that I’d feel comfortable getting engaged after 2.5 years of dating. 9 months was the timeline he had thought of, to which I had initially responded – “A BABY?!” But LOOK OK, when you know you know and I KNOW. HE KNOWS. This sweet, sexy, funny, musical, spiritual man named Luke is supposed to be my lover/partner in Christ/father of my children/adventure buddy for life. It’s crazy not doubting a man’s intentions y’all. My exes really COULD NEVER. But yeah you know what, grateful they fumbled!! Because now this man is out here buying me tickets to see Bad Suns and dancing with me at bars and making out with me in gardens. Seriously how did I get here. Anyway, as I told my friend Carly, I am undeniably cuffed. And at some point in the next year or two (but likely the next year I feel), there will be physical proof.

Pies Descalzos, Sueños Blancos by Shakira

“Las mujeres se casan siempre antes de treinta…”

I’ve always loved this song and there’s an alternate universe where I had a double quinceañera and played this song with a live band for my 30th. This song expands on the idea that I don’t care to people please my way through life anymore. The way my parents – namely my mom –raised me had some good parts to it, but GOD there are SO MANY generational cycles that I need to break. Secretly, I know my mom wants me to break them and I’m doing my best to honor her in it. There’s this new rebellion I’m contending with as I step into my 30s and charting out the way I want my life to change. Yes, I intend to be very intentional with the choices I make and honestly, that’s even a generational curse to break. I am thinking through things meticulously. And yeah I feel ever so slightly rebellious for not getting married before 30 lol.

ROLLERCOASTER by MARINA

“The more I love myself the higher up I wanna go…”

This song was my theme song in June 2025 as I explored London and was falling for Luke. I’m on a new ride following this storyline that God’s writing and it’s very exciting, but it does freak me out that I don’t really have control over a lot. But I’ve lived enough life to know that loving myself better has opened doors that I never thought about. And yeah, the love Luke and I have been nurturing is beautiful and fiery and passionate and I wanna do all of the stuff MARINA talks about in this song with this man who is “the love of my life.” (Note to Luke: maybe not the sand part, I can’t imagine that being really that comfortable lol)

Heart Shaped Locket by Shallow Alcove

“Carry all my old friends in a heart shaped locket…”

I heard this song for the first time back in November while on a walk around the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. I had just come back from visiting London in the cold/pre-holiday vibe. I remember it hit me like a ton of bricks as I wrestled with this new grief that was settling in, especially as I thought about how my friendships were going to be changing and how some had already changed (for the worse). I was talking with Luke recently about how this recent trip in London has made me realize that I need to open myself up to new friends here. I’ve been writing some love letter postcards to friends, I think it’ll be a new tradition for me to keep up.

Matilda by Harry Styles

“You can let it go, you can throw a party full of everyone you know, you can start a family who will always show you love, you don’t have to be sorry for doing it on your own…”

I cried to this song while having a scone in Notting Hill back in June 2025. It was a beautiful summer’s day in London and as I listened to this song I got this deep sense in my spirit that I was being called to London. I had only been dating Luke for about a week and a half or so but it felt like one of those God’s whispering to me moments. Listening to Harry Styles tenderly sing these words made me cry as I realized I did want to build a family and that was part of why I was feeling this pull to London. I’ve realized that I’ve had to give myself permission to want this. It also reminds me of when I cried to this song at Love On Tour. Big full circle moment with this one.

Grieving (Reprise) by Leith Ross

“So I will never stop grieving everything that’s yet to die. I think I’ll love after I’m dead and I’ll grieve while I’m alive…”

Leith Ross’s album has been full of some beautifully intimate reflections about love, life, grief, and the future. It’s really helped me sit with all of it in this season. I’ll talk more about it in my winter recap. But for now, this song speaks to the grief I’m carrying at the start of this decade, knowing that there is really so much to grieve. It already hurts like hell but I know that in feeling it, I’m aware that I’m still feeling the love.

In My Life by The Beatles

“And these memories lose their meaning when I think of love as something new…”

Absolutely to honor my teenage self, this song had to make an appearance. This one’s probably my mom’s favorite Beatles song, or at least I always associate her with this song. These lyrics really hit differently as I’ve been reflecting on how much Luke’s love has changed me. I find myself dreaming about new things like building a home and having a family and the all-important nervous system decompression that I feel when I’m just in Luke’s presence. I want to feel that for the rest of my life. I want to celebrate all my birthdays with him. And I have no doubt that my understanding of love is gonna deepen over the next 10 years.

BACK TO THE BASICS! by Never Ending Fall

“I need to face it, turn it around and get back to the basics…”

I am sooooo excited for NEF’s album MOMENTUM coming in March. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t really feeling this one when it first came out. But it’s really grown on me. Mostly because it’s made me realize how much this season is calling me to sit with myself, slow down, and simplify my life a little. It’s very tempting to stay stuck in the grief I’m carrying or spiral about how I don’t have control over the state of the world or how on earth I’m gonna make this move to the UK happen. But this simple little ditty by my boys seems to tell me “hey girllll, let’s slow down, let’s figure it out step by step, day by day. Let’s get back to the basics, shall we?” Also if you think I’m side-eying the fact that Bad Suns released Accelerator last year and NEF is releasing MOMENTUM this year…yeahhh I’m making it about me ok bye.

Let Me Love You by DJ Snake and Justin Bieber

“All that we need is a rude awakening to know we’re good enough…”

This song always reminds me the car singalongs my best friend Juliette and I did almost 10 years ago in college. I heard this song play at the bar Luke and I went to and it reminded me just what a good and sweet song this one is. In a lot of ways it feels like it is the darkest of days on a macro-level right now, but it’s like I’m hearing God’s voice breakthrough in these fairytale moments I’ve been experiencing saying “let me love you”. This song reminds me that love is a powerful force and I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling the magic of it or even wanting to spread that magic. This world needs people that say “let me love you” and I feel the need to steep in this sentiment for myself and use it as a mantra in how I relate to others.

ily anyway by Strings and Heart

“But as I get a bit closer, I feel a hand touch my shoulder and a voice that says I love you, I love you anyway…”

Strings and Heart are filling the void in my heart that was left by COIN breaking up. This song is such a beautiful picture of the way I tend to spiral and how God reminds me to let Him in it. And He’s not gonna stop meeting me in it. I’ve been unraveling my fear of intimacy through this relationship with Luke and it’s made me realize that there’s a new level of intimacy to reach with God. I spiraled at the beginning of my birthday week to this song because 1) I was having some serious menstrual cycle-induced mood swings and 2) I was feeling doubt about all these goals/dreams that are forming were the path I’m supposed to be on. This song rushed in and reminded me that yes, this is all supposed to be happening.

Life Was Easier When I Only Cared About Me by Bad Suns

“You caught me by surprise, changed my destination…”

If you thought Bad Suns was done soundtracking my life, they are ABSOLUTELY NOT. Did I tell you all yet that I’m seeing them in Glasgow with Luke and then again in London in a couple weeks? I can’t believe they did this for me (lol jk I know they didn’t…but it is veeeery suspicious timing wise). But real talk, this song is finally hitting word for word innit? I now have another person to consider as I make life decisions and while it’s what I’ve longed for, it is also a brand new thing to get used to. Luke and I won’t continue being long-distance for long and I can’t wait til we can just decompress from the day together. I’m romanticizing it now but I know we both need our alone time so we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get there.

I Can’t Stay by The Killers

“Now there’s a majesty at my doorstop and there’s a little boy in her arms…”

Now I’ve had this song usher me through different eras of my life for a while but this lyric hits different entering my 30s with the call to move to the UK and build a home. For the first time in my life, I’ve found myself actually feeling baby fever…and it’s really really strange coming from the girl who has been deathly terrified of pregnancy and the thought of traumatizing a child. But also I have been told by multiple friends (including Luke) that they can really see me as a “boy mom”. Whatever the hell that means lol. But even weirder, I do feel in my inner being that it may happen in this decade…and in a stroke of divine inspiration I came up with the name Theo Christopher…too much about it makes sense I don’t wanna go into it yet but all you have to know is that the Christopher part of it absolutely is a tribute to Christo Bowman of Bad Suns. He’s done too much in my life to not name my potential firstborn son after him somehow lol.

Got My Mind Set On You by George Harrison

“It’s gonna take time, a whole lot of precious time, it’s gonna take patience and time, to do it, to do it, to do it right…”

As much as I’m entering this decade with an air of rebellion, I’m never gonna wanna stop trying to do things right. And ESPECIALLY with the move to the UK and the engagement/marriage/moving in together process, I am intending and planning on doing it right. There’s a lot of organization, time, money, and intentionality behind how this is gonna need to play out. But I’ve got my mind set on it and this song just hits in all of that. Also, Luke absolutely has the George Harrison vibe I always wanted in a partner. Yeah sure, you can chalk that off to them both being February Pisces men if you want.

Love Me Different by Hayley Williams

“Guess I’m the one who’s gotta love me different…”

I’ve been realizing something profound as I’ve been sitting in all of this: by taking this big leap of faith to work towards this new life, I’m realizing that I need to love myself different if I’m to grow in the ways I need to. What does that look like? For one, slowing down and getting to know myself and God better. Secondly, not relying on my partner to meet all my emotional needs because 1) that’s not realistic and 2) a really heavy weight to put on someone. I’ve been telling people recently that the whole “it takes a village to raise a child” thing never really stops being true because we really don’t stop needing other people. And it’s also true that the right people will encourage you to grow in the ways you need to. I’ve experienced in throughout my 20s. But I’ve also become more discerning about what makes a good friend and what I need to do to be a better friend. It’s all about loving people different this decade. And it starts with loving myself different. And what does that look like? Acting from the agency and authority I have. Taking seriously the dreams I have. Choosing to love people within boundaries. Actually speaking up for what I want and need. Setting expectations with people out of love. It’s like this version of me is growing day by day. I can’t wait for the new blossoms from it.

Check out the full playlist on YouTube!