Well ghosts and ghouls, it’s time for my annual spooky songs playlist. And I know it’s been a while since I’ve been brutally honest on here, so why not lean into the messy. Scorpio season kinda demands it. This year — because being in a full year of therapy has made me feel like this — I chose songs that really capture the way I’ve kinda felt like a monster for struggling to want true intimacy.

While last year I definitely dealt with a lot of inner turmoil, this year I’ve been dealing with a lot of relational tension. The main reason I’ve continued therapy has been my goal of learning how to be a healthy relational partner. Don’t mistake me, I’m not in a romantic relationship right now. But I’m learning to want to be.

It has not been easy to admit that. I’m not used to voicing inmaterial things related to my human needs. Especially when I’ve nefariously hid my true desires behind a facade of passivity and agreeableness to go with the flow.

I feel like I’ve seen just how ugly I can be when I realize that a big reason I’ve become so independent is because I don’t trust people easily. I’ve become scared of intimacy because I struggle to trust other humans to offer their necessary but imperfect love to me. Because what if they leave? What if they hurt me really badly? I’ve definitely felt like a monster for ever expecting that another human could love me perfectly. But more on that story later.

These songs all capture those feelings of the messy growing pains with learning to love with some spooky imagery to match: ghosts, monsters, serial killers, death, you name it. If you relate to any of these songs, I’m sorry — but I’m with you and I hope we can take comfort in realizing we’re not alone.

Highlights

Frankenstein by Rina Sawayama

This is the song that sparked this edition of Spooky Songs. This song is about the idea of relying on a partner to fix you. I love the desperation in Rina’s voice as she pleads her lover to “put [her] together one more time.” I’ve spent too much time thinking imperfectly about future partners. From thinking that I stop growing when I meet the love of my life to thinking that there is a truly flawless man out there for me, I’ve needed to check myself every time I’ve met a man that’s caught my eye. And dang, the way Rina’s captured the complicated emotions behind all that just proves that she’s out here being the best pop star ever. Shoutout to my dad for recognizing Rina’s genius when I showed him this song.

BEDTIME STORIES by Mothica

I feel super cool for being able to say I saw Mothica perform before she blew up. This song from her album Nocturnal really hit me deep. I’m fully in the phase of trying to get a grasp of what a healthy relationship even looks like but I’m so terrified of the ways my inner demons will get in the way. I really feel like I’ve been seen with this song.

I’m Scared to Die by Lost Angeles

I met Lost Angeles through an old high school friend because I had an extra ticket to see Halsey. They were so great to hang with and I was excited to learn they had released music. This song really captures that difficulty learning to say goodbye to an old self. I’m also scared of dying before I’ve really accomplished anything so there is that too.

Bodybag by Chloe Moriondo

Have you heard of the phenomenon that when you see something really cute you want to smother it? Well this song is about that and the whole idea that you don’t want to fall in love with someone. So you’d rather stuff someone in a bodybag than deal with your feelings. I’ll admit there’s a couple people that I feel like I could sing this song to.

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift

Ok as much as I don’t want to give this song any more airtime than it’s getting, miss girl kinda popped off with this one and I have to admit it was the first track on Midnights that jumped out at me. I first heard the song when I watched the video so the visuals have kinda stuck with me. She really lays out a lot of fears of abandonment in this song which is kind of a core fear of mine. So it’s fine, I’m fine. And by that I mean, my inner demons want me to say: it’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.