January 2025 may be the worst month ever on record and you can quote me on that. You might remember my 10 year vendetta against this month (that I thought was broken by the release of Bad Suns’s Apocalypse Whenever album). Well, it seems to have come back with a vengeance.

Not only have there been devastating windstorms and wildfires in my hometown of Los Angeles, the return of 2016-2020’s worst characters, and overall, personal chaos about the way life is life-ing — but we’re ending this month with the news that one of my favorite bands of all time, COIN, is breaking up.

Ugh, God, I’d like a refund on this fucking year.

I frequently feature COIN on all my playlists, even going so far as to call them the co-music supervisors of my life. Their music has meant a lot to me and this loss feels really personal.

If you want the details of what led to the disbandment, you can read about it elsewhere with a Google search. All I want to say about it is that it will always be so shitty for everyone when people think that their shitty behaviors won’t ever see the light of day. Thank you to those that had the courage to speak out and I’m sorry that you were hurt by the former band members like that.

The recent news had me going back to the “Musical Loves of My Life” draft I had started a couple years ago to honor my love for COIN. In light of the disbandment, I’d like to use what would have been that to lift up the person who had been the band’s heart, lead singer Chase Lawrence.

Me and Chase’s Band

I first listened to Chase’s band’s music as a senior in college. My earliest memory of the band was hearing that they were playing the spring student concert at Pepperdine. I always regretted choosing to not go see them at that show because I was convinced I needed to be productive at a nearby cafe instead. Literally months later, I started listening to and loving their music in full and was like “shit, I should’ve gone.”

When they released the Dreamland album in early 2020, I remember listening to it piece by piece thinking it was a magical, no-skip album. I bought a VIP ticket to see them play that album because I needed to know more about this band. Of course, like many things in 2020, it got postponed to a nebulous future.

The band took the space created by quarantine and got to work on new songs in the meantime, which produced my 2021 album of the year, the Rainbow Mixtape. This album meant so much to me in that crazy year and cemented my love for the music they’d created.

The nebulous future turned out to be November 2021 and I got to see them IRL at the VIP soundcheck on their 2021 Rainbow Dreamland tour. This VIP soundcheck made me see that Chase was a kind, thoughtful person and a crazy talented songwriter. It’s natural for me to be drawn to the lead singer of a band, but I always felt like Chase was not a typical “face” of the band. He spoke excitedly but somehow still came across a bit shy as people asked questions, the type of person to let the music do the talking. I got to ask him about the song he had referenced writing with my favorite man Christo Bowman of Bad Suns in a post on Instagram. I remember him saying that the band Valley was contributing to it now too. Valley was opening for them on this tour and the thought of three of my favorite artists working together made my heart swell. I’m almost sure that song they all wrote became the title track of Valley’s most recent album.

Knowing that Chase was collaborating with other artists I deeply loved made me so happy. After getting acquainted with his work with COIN, it was clear to me that there was a certain essence that Chase specifically brought to every song and something about that always made me feel unbelievably seen.

So, before I start talking about every song in COIN’s discography, I want to unpack what I mean by Chase’s essence makes me feel seen.

Authenticity is A Holy Practice

It’s no surprise to me that Chase Lawrence is yet another pastor’s kid I am fascinated by. Yes, this goes back to my childhood love for the Jonas Brothers. But I also have friends that are and I even dated one who stole my heart so bad that a lot of my favorite COIN songs make me think of him (but more on him some other time). I’m fascinated by pastor’s kids because the way I have seen it, they often go one of two ways: an uptight/by the book kind of personality or, more often than not, a rebellious spirit with a redemptive arc. Chase seems to be a healthy mix of the two.

Now why do I call this out? Because the pastor kid struggle usually comes with very interesting perspectives on faith and religion. In regard to Chase’s artistry as a songwriter, it is crucial to why he makes me feel seen. Chase has referenced a relationship to God in his lyrics multiple times in this incredibly raw, refreshing way. In his lyrics, he hasn’t shied away from “wrestling with Jesus” or doubting beliefs and I love him for that because I’ve learned that’s what faith is all about.

The levels of vulnerability not just towards faith and religion that Chase has reached in his music has made me see the importance of artistically sharing the hard parts of humanity. Chase is a master at explaining mess in creative ways. There have been so many times that he’s so brilliantly captured a complicated feeling I was moving through that made it easier for me to be honest with myself. His music has been one of the many voices that has made me feel safe to be human. When I say I look up to him as a songwriter, I mean that I have literally written songs with COIN songs as references. His perspective means a lot to me.

Ringing in My Head

The combination of the catchy melody with a devastatingly real lyric is a big reason I have named him a co-music supervisor of my life.

No one writes a catchy melody like Chase does. His songs bounce and wail and whisper and moan and groan in very intentional ways. He has such a unique cadence in his melody writing that when I was listening to Valley’s newest album, I could hear his essence peering through in the melodies. I could literally hear him in the studio working out the song with the band.

The pre-chorus to chorus melody on favorite song on the Valley album, “Bass Player’s Brother”, has Chase Lawrence written all over it. The cadence starts off in this wordy low register and then explodes when Rob Laska sings “come on baby, tell me that you hate me”. It’s such a satisfying transition, as if the chorus lyrics are cutting to the chase of the situation in the song (no pun intended).

Chase deeply cares about creating meaningful and catchy music. It’s truly an art that I feel he’s become a master at. I really admire him for it and look up to the way he does it.

A Work in Progress Always

Like the last musical genius I word vomited about, Dave Bayley of Glass Animals, I notice a similar groundedness in Chase’s music.

Chase writes really tender lyrics that have felt like he’s just giving his entire being away. But I’m so grateful for it. His words have been the role model example in songwriting to help me accept my humanity. It’s through him that I’ve realized the responsibility of the great singer-songwriters is to capture the messiness of the human experience. And alchemizing the mess is a beautiful thing.

He’s definitely someone who shows how much he’s a work in progress and it’s served as inspiration to me time and time again. He doesn’t speak about himself in ungraceful ways, he just tells it how it is. That openness will forever be so captivating in his songs.

Conclusion

COIN may be over, but I know Chase isn’t done making music. Chase, if you come across this, I want you to know that your musical essence is the reason that I loved COIN. I’m not worried about your future in music because you’ve shined while building something before and you will shine again. When I listened to the most recent Valley album, I knew you had been part of it even before I saw your name in the credits. Your essence was palpably there and it made Valley sparkle to me in a new way. I’m so excited for the music you will make/contribute to next. I will be listening with a very open heart.

Now, here’s where I am gonna rapid fire profess my love for every COIN song I can because Chase is one of my favorite songwriters ever and I don’t know what else to do with my grief.

Atlas

This song is so sunny and I love the way the synth seems to smile at you. “Hope is dying for now” is a wild way to start the chorus of such a sunny song. He’s so real for that, it’s giving January 2025.

Fingers Crossed

So sweet. This is one I’ve definitely drawn inspiration from for a song I started. It just captures that excited feeling of when you’ve got a crush on someone but you’re reminding yourself to be cautious. I love how it oscillates between Chase’s slower, lower register and then just like full on screaming lol. It’s so real.

Run

This song has “underestimate me I fucking dare you” energy. And I go it regularly when I’m feeling like that. I love the way the verses keep their exact syllable cadence and rhyming scheme — i.e. “call the television evangelists” and “hit the ground running Los Angeles”. It blows my mind every time. It’s the type of song that I want playing as I scream and flip a table out of anger.

Holy Ghost

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this song in a previous blog post. This is one of many COIN songs where the real shit about religion is discussed. “I’m not your Holy Ghost, when your wrists are bound. It’s a deadly sin to give a man that crown” and “I’m not your savior, a glimpse of your maker, but I’m not your savior” are some of my favorite lyrics. This song really helped me unravel my savior complex and I love that I have it for grounding myself in why it was toxic of me to carry that.

Boyfriend

This was one of the first COIN songs I saved to a playlist in college. I remember just being enamored by the sound of it. It’s a staple when I have complicated feelings towards a man. Just such a dancy bop too.

Talk Too Much

This is the quintessential COIN song. It’s bouncy, it’s euphoric, it rages, and Chase’s melodies just stick in your head. It’s soundtracked many a crush for me. This was the other song I saved in college.

Hannah

I love this song so much. It’s really become one of my favorite COIN songs ever. It has the lyric where their second album gets its name from. I’ve felt like the Hannah in this song so many times and this is definitely one of those songs that I turn inwards with for encouragement. Don’t get me started on the lyrics in the bridge “tell me that you’re bored to death in the skyline that you never left”. That’s too real right now. It’s also part of the “COIN crashing cars” canon.

Lately II

Chase has had a running theme in the albums with a series called “Lately”. He wrote the first “Lately” about the day his sister lost a baby after 24 hours of being alive from her perspective. The second song, “Lately II”, was written from his brother-in-law’s perspective as he coped with the loss. Just masterful writing about grief.

Malibu 1992

Another quintessential COIN song. I remember when I missed out on seeing them at Pepperdine I thought about how magical it would’ve been to hear this song actually in Malibu. It’s hazy in this dreamy, nostalgic way and always a vibe.

Into My Arms

Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time I loved an album called Dreamland, I’d have two nickels — which isn’t a lot but crazy that it’s happened twice. I really could tell you why I love every single song on this album in detail but alas, we are rapid firing right now (maybe I’ll do a retrospective in the future). “Into My Arms” is a dizzying love song. I felt the lovesickness in this song about that pastor’s kid I referenced earlier. I’ll talk more about this song then. But for now, hearing this one live was a spiritual experience.

I Want It All

The lovesick feeling YES. This is the song I have used to dream about the relationship I want one day. It’s kind of a sexy song in the way it snakes around. Chase slayed with this one big time.

Crash My Car

This is THE COIN song. Again, I’ll talk about this one in depth later. But yes, where Chase referenced crashing a car in “Hannah”, this entire song is about that. It’s genius in capturing that feeling when you’re just entirely infatuated with someone. You feel crazy and euphoric. It was the best way to close out the show.

Cemetery

I think about this song often in my disillusionment with the American Dream. I remember including it in my first ever SOUNDS LIKE FEELS LIKE playlist. I really think more people should be afraid of being the richest man in the cemetery.

Youuu

This song always deserved to be a movie montage song. It makes me feel like a movie character. I remember listening to this song at first like “wow what a wild situation to be hung up on someone like that”. And now I know the feeling too well as I listen to it thinking of that pastor’s kid I dated. Again, I’ll talk more about that later. Chase makes excellent space to be euphorically sad and yearning. This song just sounds like driving through LA when the sun sets. The meaning of this song definitely hits different after the disbandment. I won’t move on from you Chase.

Valentine

The way this song leads in after “Youuu” is genius. This song is one of many songs that would play if you cracked open my soul. I love so deeply and this song does such a great job of recreating that sonically. “You ever love something so much it hurts”? ALL THE DAMN TIME CHASE LAWRENCE.

Nobody’s Baby

Understanding that I finally got to feel my way through the insane run of songs from “Youuu” to “Babe Ruth” in this album is so special. I love these songs so much and they capture my heart so well. Again, I’ll talk about it all later. I need to talk about Chase first. He does such a great job of capturing saying the quiet parts out loud. I feel like this has to be on THE soundtrack that would be my 20s coming of age movie.

Never Change

This song has been heavily on rotation for me recently. Yes, I’ll explain why later!! But for now — “You’re across the room but we’re miles apart, so I talk to God and ask him how you are”!!!!! Jesus Christ my heart. Chase really marries the intimacy of my heart with the frequencies my mind, soul, and body love. It’s insane, that’s the only way I can explain it.

Lately III

This song is insane with its combination of sweeping orchestral sounds and a drum machine. It continues the story from the other “Lately”-s. It’s about Chase reflecting on the loss after all the time passed. It’s a reflection on how you move on from something that devastating.

Babe Ruth

Again! The lead in from “Lately III” insane! This song is such a groove and I love the vulnerability of the lyrics. “No one lets me down quite like I do. You want some love but you need some space and time? Ah baby, what you gonna do when the universe puts your hand in mine?” I’M GONNA SCREAM CHASE THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO. (Again, I’ll talk about it later.) But those lyrics are some of my favorite ones. The melody lines in this entire song are just so addictive.

Let It All Out (10:05)

This is my go-to song to cry to. It has this supernatural power to ground me in my body. The incredibly vulnerable “Jesus are you listening? If you have a plan can you fill me in?” gets me every time. I will always treasure this song.

How It Feels

I know I’ve already talked about the Rainbow Mixtape in depth. But as I predicted earlier, this song is a time capsule of 2020. “How do you break my heart, six feet apart?” So real. Seriously all these songs will forever capture that time.

Dream House

This one just hits different after the disbandment. It’s such a song of grief now. It’s dreamy in this disappointed way. “Never thought we’d be a revolving door.”

Sprite

When I recall the transition from hopelessness of the pandemic and into regaining my sense of control in 2021, I think of this song. In so many ways, it showed me a gentleness towards myself that I didn’t know was so foreign to me previously. I was recovering from one of the darkest times of my life when this song came out and it captured that feeling of taking baby steps so beautifully. Seriously, I can still picture myself joyfully bopping along to it while brushing my teeth every morning in spring 2021. I’m forever gonna treasure this song in my heart for that.

Turnaround

This was the first imperfect cover I ever played on Instagram. This song really helped me understand my relationship to myself after the hard season I went through. It’s a really tender-hearted song. Also re-listening to it made me realize the wobbly synth at the end also shows up before the big drop in “Leaving A Light On” from the most recent album. I had been trying to figure out for WEEKS which song it was calling back to. It makes my heart explode to realize that because these songs now have a very sentimental tie for me. It’s as if it’s a reminder that even though the present chaos sucks, I’ve been through it before and I’ll get through it again by leaving a light on.

Earth to God

The vulnerability in this song means everything to me. I’ve had so many times where I’ve not known how or what to pray, just wondering if God is actually still wanting to hear me out. In my humanity, this song gives space for that.

Sort It Out

I still use this song to be patient with myself. I remember listening to it at the end of 2021 realizing how far I’d come. Songs like this one were and are the baby steps of self-compassion for me.

You Are The Traffic

I really love this song. The entire concept of it. Hearing it live felt so special all around. I really feel like it exemplifies Chase grounding himself as a songwriter. “And oh I’m submitting to this season, why try to fight it?” is so real of him.

Make It Stop

I’ve been listening to this song so much this godforsaken month. Especially with the fires burning. I cried to it multiple times this month. It really captures the new grief, including the disbandment for me. “I keep running in circles and I can’t make it stop.”

Learning

I hope we can recognize the genius that is the Uncanny Valley album as AI technology continues to evolve. Chase said he wrote it as a concept album of a robot learning to express humanity. This is such a captivating opening track introducing this concept album.

Chapstick

I love this song for how unhinged it is. And I love that it is now a quintessential COIN song. I definitely felt this song about that situation I need to talk about later. “I just wanna dance baby, I just wanna cry lately.” Me all the time.

Cutie

Another favorite. I played this one heavy in 2022. It’s also another Glass Animals and COIN nodding to each other to me (GA has a song called “Tangerine”). It’s dancy, it’s dreamy. God, I miss feeling like this.

Take A Picture

This song helped me move on from a bad friendship breakup and into really learning to love myself in my messiness. A robot voice mid-song saying “Showing search results for ‘is it selfish to love yourself’” gets me every time.

Brad Pitt

I love this song for how it’s unlike any other COIN song. It’s sexy and a little mischievous. It sounds like what the more carefree parts of my 20s were (the parts that weren’t completely robbed by quarantine).

Killing Me

This song just drips in betrayal and I love it. “So I guess you were just making it up when you said that you loved me” hurts so good. And “Learning how to kiss good love goodbye”? Sheesh. I love how this song feels almost childlike, it’s one of my favorites on the album.

Blackbox

Chase said this one was the “Lately” of the album. It’s such an intimate moment. It’s hypnotizing in a really refreshing way. “It’s the real life me.”

It Works

Chase calls out “wrestling with Jesus” in this song and it really helped me process some church hurt I gained from a bad friendship breakup in 2021/2022. It gave me voice to be “sick of serotonin, looking at the bright side”. So many good nuggets of wisdom in these lyrics that I felt my way through. “And we call it love just ‘cause it works. That don’t mean it’s not broken” — treasuring in my heart forever.

Getting Older

There’s an alternate universe where “Catholic educated with a moonlight motivation” is my Instagram bio. I feel really seen by this song. Especially with my birthday next week, I do feel myself “getting out of the way” as I’m getting older. Chase writing such real lyrics here.

Watering a Dead Flower

Honestly, this song is what listening to the band post-disbandment feels like. It’s sad. I feel like all the work Chase put towards creating a safe space to listen to such vulnerable music has been compromised. My heart breaks about it all.

Plug Me In

This song is sad and dystopian and it ages like fine wine in this age of AI. “Hell is just an empty garden, a name for the place that we call home.” Feels a lot like America these days.

Loving

Ending Uncanny Valley with such a human note is so sweet. This song has been another one I’ve clung to, especially as I’ve worked on my first music project amidst the most chaotic and grief-filled time of my life. This is a quintessential COIN song to me. It makes me feel things. It makes me realize truths to sit with. It’s really served as inspiration for me to keeping pushing on with my music project.

Take It Or Leave It

I listened to this song a ton since it was released last summer. It’s just really resonated with me. I kept thinking about getting tickets to see them (and I almost did) because I wanted to dance my heart out to this song. Crazy enough it was the song that I was listening to when I read the post from Chase about the disbandment. “I’m Not Afraid of Music Anymore” being the last album era feels like a big heartbreak because from all accounts they had really tried to work on their relationships with each other through this album making process. I’ve been sitting with this album since it came out just letting the points of connection find me. It just doesn’t feel good to keep steeping in it after the news.

Slack

I’d been clinging to this one after the grief of last year. It really explains how I’ve been feeling lately about life. The car crash mentions are back here. “I don’t crash my car or call it all the same.” It’s been a really helpful song in integrating self-compassion to my internal dialogue.

Along For The Ride

I love this song for the way it has gently walked with me in my inner teenager healing. It’s been a sort of template for my conversations with myself.

Problem

Chase is so real for this song. It’s such a messy song and I love him for it. It’s angsty in ways that I didn’t know I needed in this season. Especially in owning up to the darker sides of me. It’s a move of humility to expose those darker sides.

Growing Song

This one really resonated with me in autumn of last year. Reminding me that I am growing and growing out of things that once were good for me. Chase’s perspective here is as refreshing as a glass of freshly pressed apple cider.

Bloodtype

This song is proof to me that solo Chase Lawrence is gonna be good. It feels vulnerable in the ways that a lot of Rainbow Mixtape did. It’s got a bit of a country folk twinge to it that I don’t mind. I’m not saying that’s the direction solo Chase should be. I still like the poppier, rockier stuff best.

Strawberry Jam

This song came out literally the day after I was let go from my job last year. I remember listening to it with hope thinking it was a sign for me to be on my side in this new phase of life coming in. It felt freeing to tell myself: “God only knows what you see in me.” It really soundtracked that hope to cling onto last summer, even if I felt delusional doing it.

Leaving A Light On

I already talked about this one last season recap. But it carries a new meaning to it after the disbandment. Chase, I hope you’re leaving a light on for yourself. You really deserve it. I mean if I can sit here and cry and reminisce about the ways that like 90% of your work with COIN has soundtracked literally just my 20s, I hope this is proof to you that you’re meant to keep going. And I can’t wait to hear what you do next.