Have you ever felt like you were living on a precipice? Like you were always one small step from completely turning your life around from a dark place and before you knew it, you’d made the transition?

Well in all my reflecting on this year, this is the best way I can describe what 2022 was like for me. And there’s no better way to explain what I mean than to use my favorite album of the year.

In a year filled with so many great songs and albums, I’m not gonna lie: it was hard for me to settle on just one that captured the essence of this year. But of course, as I suspected all the way back in January, nothing quite helped me process this year (and the lead up to it) like Apocalypse Whenever (Deluxe) by the unofficial musical supervisors of my life, Bad Suns.

It blew my mind so many times this year that this album met me exactly where I was. At times it felt like the tiniest things related to this album mirrored something that I was going through. Safe to say, I’ve felt like this GIF every time I’ve listened to this album:

Just picture me in this state as you read on.

I’ve read in a lot of interviews where lead singer and songwriter Christo Bowman described this album as a return to what Bad Suns is known for. He’s called it the most Bad Suns album they’ve ever made. And I have no choice but to say, SAME. I can honestly say that after this year, this is the most “Kelly” I’ve ever been.

When I say I’ve fully lost my mind because of the way this album met me where I’m at in this chapter of my life, I mean I hope it makes at least a little sense why I needed to go to five shows on the Apocalypse Whenever tour.

This album helped me find my way through a few different heartaches as I emerged from one of the darkest times of my life. But perhaps the biggest lesson this album reflected to me is that though love is pain, it also heals, frees, and we need it to truly live.

I had a moment with every song on this album this year and I can confidently say that every song spoke to me. So, it’s finally time I walk you through all of it. Buckle up, I have a lot to say.

Apocalypse Whenever

“Apocalypse whenever, I can’t live in fear forever, can I?”

Let me just start by pointing out that the word “apocalypse” in its Greek root word (“apokaluptein”) means to “uncover or reveal”. Believe me, my ears perked up in church when I learned that this year and that gave this album and its title track a really deep meaning.

The second I heard the opening lyrics, I cried. I don’t think that was Christo’s intent with this song but it happened anyway. The most striking thing about this song is the way each verse correlates with the lessons and story of how life was for me in 2020, 2021, and 2022. It’s as if each line illuminates the complex feelings of disillusionment and disappointment I’d dealt with for the past 3 years of my life. From romantic letdowns to job disappointments to a painful friendship breakup, each verse in this song spoke to all of it. It even called me out for the special interest I took in astrology during the pandemic. How dare you Christopher.

The first verse speaks to 2020 and the way “life fell apart” in the pandemic. I was in a really dark headspace in 2020. I hated my job and I was in a way waiting for something to make my life fall apart. So when shutdown happened, I was kinda relieved. But it had to get darker before I saw the light. By that I mean, I got to a point where some days I wished I could not exist anymore because it meant not having to log in for my job. On top of that, I was still recovering from uncovering my unhealthy patterns from my latest romantic disappointment. It was hard to find joy then. I was waiting for a breakthrough, and thankfully, I got it.

The second verse speaks to 2021 and the way I felt like I was fighting the ways my past “tried to make me somebody I’m not” while getting my dream job and starting therapy. In the beginning of the year, I was learning to accept that the trauma of my last job was part of me. When I got my job at Output, I refocused on healing my long overdue family relationships on top of wrestling with bad habits from my last job. It felt like “my demons all caught up with me”. It was a hard fight but I persevered.

The third verse speaks to 2022 and the way “love broke my fall” as I’ve sought healing from isolation and broken relationships with love. All of this has culminated in me realizing that behind every breakthrough was a long held fear. 2020 was about breaking through my fear of success. 2021 was breaking through my fear of repeating broken habits. And 2022 was about working through my fear of intimacy. And I “can’t live in fear forever, right?” This song truly sounds like the opening song to the movie of this chapter of my life. It’s epic.

Summer Lightning

“Summer lightning come and strike me, no one I’ve found gets up off the ground quite like you…”

This song speaks to a very specific thing I experienced this year. And I’ll never forget the night it clicked.

I embarked on a quest to start dating again in the summer — it was truly “fun and frightening”. I felt like it was time with all the strides I made in therapy. I went on an amazing first date back in July and it was the very definition of summer lightning. Me and this lovely man spent hours talking and laughing together, only for me to realize he was not a full time Angeleno (yet). I held onto hope for this relationship to blossom only to realize like summer lightning, it would be short lived. Sure, I realized this kinda late and admittedly, I’m still holding onto a bit of hurt from it. But, thanks to my more graceful mindset (sponsored by therapy), I came to accept that sometimes that jolt of excitement is what you need to level up. I’m grateful for that experience ultimately, mostly because of the way I was able to welcome this strike of summer lightning and “get off the ground” from it.

Also, the synths right before the last chorus give me CHILLS every single fucking time.

Baby Blue Shades

“I closed my eyes and crossed a line. I’m breaking out, yeah you brought me down, now I’m breaking out…”

Now the story of this album for me starts all the way back in September 2020. And it starts with this song.

As I explained in my Thank You Letter to Bad Suns last fall, the moment I heard this song and saw the visuals for it was electric. This was my top song of 2021 for the way it carried me through that really dark 2020 headspace.

Like, this song validated me in wanting to quit my last job and usher in this entire era for me — exactly as it did as the lead single from the album. Not to mention, I wanted to move on from that romantic disappointment I was healing from.

OF COURSE I FOUND THE GLASSES ON AMAZON AND MADE THEM MY PERSONALITY.

Things since then have mostly been a process of continually reminding myself that I’ve been living in a baby blue shades state of mind. Every time I listen to this song now I think of how far I’ve come. And it’s one of those songs I just know I’ll remember forever for that. The continual reminder for me from this song is that I don’t have to stay down. I can welcome transitions and I can welcome in light when I recognize that though an ending means something “brought me down”, a new beginning means “I’m breaking out”.

Peachy

“It’s hard to imagine, hard to believe. Can this really happen? Are we just a dream? I feel like I’m weightless, I’ve lost gravity. It’s hard to imagine, it’s hard to believe…”

This song speaks to all the inexplicably happy moments of this year: from meeting the genius himself Christo Bowman and having an actual conversation with him twice, to experiencing Bad Suns live 5 times (one time at barricade near my birthday!), to getting a birthday Cameo from Christo courtesy of my best friend Juliette, to doing cool things with my job, to seeing and meeting my other favorite band Never Ending Fall and joining the Never Ending Fam, to meeting THE Joe Jonas — literally what has been my life after this album dropped?!

The fact that my friend Katie immortalized this moment in a drawing as a bridesmaid gift 😭

I remember when all this cool shit started happening in early February and it felt like the biggest “what the fuck?!” moment. I had spent January 2022 feeling like the worst friend in the world. This song helped me take those unworthy feelings and translate them into joy. And that’s a lot of what this year has been about for me: realizing that I’m worthy of these amazing things happening to me. Even when work got chaotic and life around me felt uneasy, this song reminded me that I should allow joy in my life. Life’s too short to wait to experience joy and chase your dreams, “even on the worst days”.

When the World Was Mine

“I don’t care what we do, are you feeling it too? Like it hasn’t been forever…”

This song echoes all the flirty fun I’ve resolved to chase. Now, I won’t disclose who exactly have been my targets for flirty fun, but let’s just say both people have seen me very drunk this year. But it’s all in good fun and I didn’t do anything that sober me regretted.

A wild thing about the last few years has been realizing how I legit feel like I was robbed of two years of my youth. I had just turned 24 and was feeling unstoppable (albeit depressed because of my job at the time). I felt like the world was mine: I had all my best friends around me in LA, we were cool and single, nary a man offering an engagement ring in sight. But things have changed.

As much as I tried to be cool before the pandemic, I was running away from a lot. So when everything shut down and I was forced to face it all, things felt really heavy. Weirdly enough, all of the lessons of the last few years have given way to the most free version of myself. It’s a freedom 24 year old me only dreamed of. So while I miss feeling like the world was mine for a second before the pandemic, what if I never truly had it? What if I wasn’t ready for it then? What if I have it now?

If you would’ve told 24 year old Kelly (heck 16 year old Kelly too) that she ends striking a friendship with actual rockstars, they’d think she was the coolest.

When I hear this song, I see a supercut of all the fun of hanging out with friends I missed during the pandemic, getting to know my coworkers more, and striking friendships through the Never Ending Fam. My confidence has never been more stable. This song makes me feel like the cool girl I didn’t know I’d always been and you can bet I’m carrying this energy to next year.

Wishing Fountains

“Wishing fountains, we pray for change in the dark. Moving mountains, we end up right where we start…”

I remember the night this song was released. It was mid-October 2021 and I was like “Jesus Christ why is this song so sad?” At this point, I had been riding the high of “When The World Was Mine” and was scared of confronting any uncomfortable feelings. So I pulled a Jonah and ignored this song for some time. A few weeks later, I was bawling my eyes out to it.

This song immediately reminds me of the moment the levee broke in the old people pleaser in me. It was almost Christmas 2021 and I had tried to bring about a holiday miracle for a friend. But it was about to fully blow up in my face. I was realizing how toxic I was in my intentions thinking that I was the only one responsible for spreading joy to this friend that was going through a really tough time. When I realized I couldn’t carry the weight of her situation in addition to my own baggage, I ended up hurting her.

This song captures the pain of realizing the ways I’ve repeated that cycle of generational trauma. My parents have gotten into similar situations where they’ve helped friends and family that have taken advantage of their kindness. So, to know I’d fallen into the same cycle made me feel hopeless. I’ve come a long way since my first therapy session in September 2021 but I feel like I’m tempted to repeat that cycle. I spent a huge amount of time processing that situation with my therapist because it was a deep cut. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s not my job to save anyone from their problems, not even my parents. It’s taken me all year to move on from that friendship breakup, but I have to admit, the pain feels new when I really listen to this one.

Electric Circus

“I’m trying so hard to make it look easy, falling apart with a smile on my face. Everyone loves everybody ‘til they need something then I pretend like I didn’t hear my cellphone ring…”

Before I get into the meaning for me, I have to confess that I did sneak in “electric hideaway” into an email I did for Output. Oops it was intentional haha. Anyway, I listened to the hell out of this song in the beginning of 2022. The production in it is captivating.

Christo said in an Instagram live right after the album was released that it’s about social media being toxic. While I definitely see that, for me, it’s come to represent the way I for so long curated a facade of myself to please others. The old people pleaser me found her voice in this song as she dealt with the fall out of the aforementioned friendship in early 2022.

I got to a point where I had been ignoring my needs for the sake of trying to make this person feel cared for. Although my heart was in the right place, I was letting my peace depend on this friend finding peace. And the fact that there was nothing I could do, made me feel worthless. All the while, I was telling everyone that I was fine, just busy with work. The vulnerable moment in the bridge gets me every time because dynamically it feels like being on a carousel where you almost get whiplash. It hurts to hear Christo say “it’s so easy to leave me”. Because God, that’s how I felt knowing that this ex-friend thought I was purposely trying to deceive her. When really, I had loved her so deeply and didn’t know how to help. I’m thankful for this song because it really helped me articulate a real fear I was running away from.

Nightclub (Waiting for You)

“I lay on the roof, see you in the stars. Evading the truth in cafes and bars…”

This is such a standout track on the album to me. I’d dare to call it my favorite. Christo’s vocals are haunting, the instrumentation is flawless, and it really captures the feeling of longing with such gorgeously arpeggiated synths.

When I hear this song, I’m reminded of the time I was on a date with myself in May and I cried as I realized I wanted to be missed in a romantic way. I started writing a reflection on it a while ago, but I haven’t truly given myself space to explore this deep longing. I credit that to the other lessons about myself and relationships that I’ve needed to learn first.

For me, there’s two related interpretations: one, it’s a love song to God asking for what’s to come and two, it’s an expression of how deeply I want to love someone and be loved in return.

In the reflection I started, I talked about how how I’m waiting for a lot: waiting for a true partner, waiting for the next step in my career to become apparent, waiting for a new level of maturity in myself, and waiting for God to show me to why I should keep hope when hopelessness is an easy temptation. It’s a lot. And the fact that it’s a lot is on brand for me. I find myself almost feeling a little like me from 3 years ago when I could only dream of a job in the music industry.

These days I really feel like I’ve been running around chasing my youth, “evading the truth in cafes and bars.” Truthfully, I’ve been spending less time in social circles I’m used to being in (read: my church friends). I know I need to be reminded of the truth (read: that God is working through my life still) by these folks and I guess I’m just scared that they won’t truly understand. All my closest friends and my new friends understand why I’m so invested in what I’m currently doing but it’s harder to explain the spiritual component of why I’m doing it. Yeah, it’s the whole “in the world but not of the world” thing we talk about at church.

Christo has said that this song is about missing someone that’s passed and while I’m glad I don’t currently relate to that (and hopefully won’t any time soon), the tension and pain in this song runs deep and a little unprocessed.

Life Was Easier When I Only Cared About Me

“I hope the pain never ends, love is so bittersweet, life was easier when I only cared about me…”

Speaking of pain lol. I was surprised to learn that this song was my most listened to song of the year via Spotify Wrapped. But thinking more deeply about it, it makes a lot of sense. It really feels like the thesis of the album. This was the last song Bad Suns released before the full album and it met me right in the mess of another terrible January.

I remember doing a devotional on Psalms during this time because I only had energy to scream “what the fuck” at God. The day this song came out, I had read Psalm 107 in the morning. The metaphors of God rescuing people brought me a lot of comfort as I trudged on that day. When I heard this song for the first time that night, I sobbed profusely because it was like the Holy Spirit had moved. The parallels of an unstable ocean between the psalm and this song felt too on the nose.

It felt like God used this song to remind me that I wasn’t supposed to save myself from that friendship breakup. I remember thinking to myself “how am I supposed to love anyone after this when there’s no way I can guarantee that I won’t hurt someone?” My future felt bleak and I was effectively drowning. In so many beautiful lyrics, Christo Bowman reminded me of the ways divine intervention works: “you caught me by surprise, changed my destination”, “I had no reason to breathe, until you knocked the wind out of me”, “I had no light I could see, until your radiance blinded me”. And on top of that, he laid out my dilemma of loving others in song form. Do you see why I love this genius man?

This has been what I have called one of those love letters to God. This song is an encouragement to keep believing in love, even though it hurts. It describes the tension of my relationship with God and others (as an extension). It’s painful to be a human that loves other humans and in some ways we can only expect pain and disappointment. Cheekily so, life is easier when you only care about yourself. But it’s better to love and be loved than to be isolated and feel like you’re “spinning around and around in an ocean of grief”.

Heaven Is A Place In My Head

“Don’t wake me, I’m living in a goddamn daydream, nothing ever lasts as long as you want it to…”

This song will forever remind me of the moment in summer 2021 when life really got on course for me. It honestly captures the fairytale moment when things started to change so well.

The fairytale moment I’m referring to is the moment I got my job at Output and now the first time I made a friend from TikTok lol. I had no idea why this was all happening even though I had an active part in it. That’s how twisted the ‘pre-quitting my job’ period from 2020 had me.

I remember celebrating/preparing for this new chapter by going on a solo trip to Maui and the optimism of this song really colored that trip.

Now when I listen to this song, I think of that moment and the way all the good memories since then have compounded onto it. In a lot of ways, this joy just feels like the beginning as I make up for lost time from my pre-pandemic days. I’m living a life so free and joyful that I know past me and future me look fondly on as the start of something really special. Unlike the song, I’m trying to not get stuck in the past.

It feels almost anachronistic to feel the joy I feel these days, but I hold onto it because I’ve learned I shouldn’t dismiss it so quickly. This is a joy I’ve longed for. I know it’s important to understand where I still need to grow, but I shouldn’t see that process as one where I lose hope or joy. When Paul said to “set your mind on things above” in Colossians, I think that’s what he means. And my way of reminding myself of that these days is by using what Christo said: heaven in a place in my head.

Silently Screaming

“Every reason to let go of every demon clutching my bones, but this unbearable feeling feels like home…”

Honestly, when am I not silently screaming? This song is everything to me: the dancey, upbeat disco vibe to it, the anxious lyrics, the fucking saxophone solo? It’s ICONIC.

When I listen to this song, I think of the entirety of Spring 2022. I was fighting a lot then. I was dealing with the friendship breakup, with major impostor syndrome as I got more responsibilities at work, and of course, constantly thinking about my fear of repeating cycles I was trying to break in therapy.

This song has been central to me voicing my fears about love. Like I’m remembering the time earlier this year when I came to the realization that I was afraid of true intimacy because there’s no way to truly sugarcoat my messy side. In so many ways, this song feels like it’s about love blockages for me. Whether it’s fighting generational trauma or a relationship that’s fizzling out, this song hit deep.

I remember dancing as hard as I could to this song at the first three Bad Suns shows I went to this year. I was really trying to get the demons out of my system. Also the way Christo translated the saxophone solo as a guitar solo? God, I love him.

It’s been a while since I’ve truly felt the weight of this song, but why do I have a sneaking suspicion this won’t be the last time I fixate on needing to let go as this song says? Well, ignoring that suspicion for now to say I will gladly listen to the hell out this song when I’m ready to sit with it.

Grace (I Think I’m in Love Again)

“You light my fire, I breathe you in, you get me higher than I’ve ever been…”

First of all, the way this song leads from “Silently Screaming” gives me chills. I love when albums do that.

Second of all, hearing this song for the first time felt like taking an ax to my heart of stone…but in an exciting way. By the time I got to this song on my first listen, I was convinced that this album was a prophecy on how my year would shake out so I started picturing the possibility of meeting someone really special. I remember trying to apply this song to my “Summer Lightning” subject only to realize it didn’t really fit. The connection made me too anxious. No, the subject of this song for me is much deeper than that. This song explains the ways God has worked in my life to restore the wide-eyed romantic in me.

When I was a kid, I had a really romantic view of the world. I thought my parents married each other out of love. I thought I would be swept off my feet by someone in a fairytale romance by the time I finished high school. I thought the perfect relationship meant no fighting. That’s what I thought perfect love was all about. It was really flawed and shortsighted. And it hurt when the illusions broke.

Heartbreak after heartbreak from high school until lately, I’d become dismissive of that really romantic side of me — thinking that love was dead and miracles didn’t really happen anymore. I felt like I had to constantly let my inner child down as I explained to her that this is what reality was like. I came to expect disappointment in every relationship and even wonder at the beginning of this year if it was even worth it to love others knowing they’ll let you down, which was quite bleak.

But over time this year, I realized in my surrendering to God: what if every time someone exhibits an act of love, imperfect as it may be, that’s a tiny piece of God’s perfect love at work? What if every random TikTok someone sends me because it reminded them of me is an act of God’s perfect love? What if every morning my mom barges in my room while I’m still groggily in bed to say that she made breakfast before she goes to work is an act of God’s perfect love? What if every time I fall in love with a new band and spend all my spare brain energy on supporting them is an act of God’s perfect love? What a way to live that would be.

I’ll be honest, this song just recently brought me to this revelation. (Apocalypse whenever am I right ladies?) I was driving home after my besties Eden and Nick’s engagement party and naturally listened to this song. I kept reflecting on the way they show up for each other and allow each other to be their full, honest selves. Thinking about it all, the floodgates opened.

I can’t wait for this wedding.

Suddenly it’s become apparent to me that God’s been using the people in my life and the things I love most to remind me that I’m not only free to be my entire self but that in order to receive that perfect love, I have to be myself — grossly crying to Bad Suns and all. I’d never felt so worthy, but all this love had been happening anyway. Grace huh.

Symphony of Lights

“When you feel every emotion, when you want bad news. When you run out of devotion, running in slow motion, I’ll be there for you…”

This song will forever be remembered as the song that made my therapist Maria cry in January. I remember telling her about how I had spent the night before our session listening to this album for the first time and I felt the worst emotional hangover for the way it seemingly read me to filth. I recommended she listen to this song and at our next session she told me how she cried to it.

If you thought I was a mess after listening to “Grace (I Think I’m In Love Again)”, this one fucks me up in an even deeper way.

This song has been there for me as I’ve been on the journey of learning to receive love better. It’s helped me understand God better honestly. And it’s also helped give me my 2023 word of the year, devotion.

Like the previous song, this one is all about the little things that add up to unconditional love. Christo himself said this song is about unconditional love so I’m glad I read it right for once lol. Every time I listen to this song, I’m reminded of the truth that I’m so deeply loved and secure in it. I’ve had a tendency of being really mean to myself so hearing this song and soaking in that unconditional love (which for me is God), has really carried me and restored me to myself.

Funnily enough, the Holy Spirit has been planting seeds of the word “devotion” all around me. Like the word was literally in this song and it was just some random day that the Spirit illuminated it as my focus for next year. Not to mention, I literally met Joe Jonas at a screening of his movie called Devotion.

As we head into another year, this song is written on my heart as a reminder that I am divinely loved and protected. No matter how badly I fuck up or let someone down, I can listen to this song and know that there is still grace for me. And even if someone isn’t able to give it to me, I can receive that grace knowing that it unlocks healing.

Lastly, the way the melody of “Apocalypse Whenever” plays at the very end? My heartstrings are being pulled aggressively and I don’t like it. I’m kidding, I love it.

Maybe You Saved Me

“I couldn’t give you what you deserve, sometimes my best ain’t good enough. But I know you had enough…”

Jesus Christ, another one that hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember having my moment with this song when it first came out in August (after Christo personally told me they were releasing a new song “next month” 🤭). It took a few listens to get to the way I related to it and when I got it, I immediately bawled.

Yup, it spoke directly to the feelings I was ignoring from the friendship breakup. This song came out in Summer 2022 when I was fully trying to forget all that had happened earlier in the year. This song gave me the space to be sad, be angry, realize the ways I hurt this friend, and the ways I was hurt by her.

I remember being open with this friend about how I was starting my therapy journey around the time our friendship started and I remember her being supportive of it. But she definitely didn’t see it coming that in my journey I was about to unravel and uncover some not so great things about me. (Apocalypse whenever, am I right ladies?)

I carried so much guilt from that situation and this song so simply told me, have you stopped to think about the real possibility that maybe this painful situation was necessary? That situation unfortunately served as the catalyst for me to see how I can end up hurting someone when I think I’m the only one who can help someone. But also, I needed to learn that it’s ok to walk away from people that ask for things I can’t give them. Sure they’ll hate you or think you’re crazy, but the peace of mind from walking away frees you from falling into cycles again.

As much as I don’t like to admit it, I truly believe that it’s better that we’re not in each other’s lives anymore. I can’t imagine any way we could have recovered from it where I would’ve been able to be open with her about the way she hurt me. I just know I would’ve ignored myself in the situation. Just like this song, I wonder about her often and genuinely hope she sees better days. But I can’t be part of it. After listening to this song ad naseum, I’m convinced walking away from her saved me. Also, what a bop. Definitely a most listened to song of the year.

Life Jacket

“All the little broken parts of our broken hearts make us who we are…”

Ah, the song at the end of the movie that was my 2022. This song was released in a very special and spiritually charged time. I remember it so vividly.

It was late September and I was about to embark on a reset. Things had been really chaotic at work due to layoffs and I was scared. I was also reintegrating into my church community after the friendship breakup, feeling skeptical about sharing my brokenness and exposing myself to judgment. I was starting to feel disconnected from my “summer lightning” friend. I went on a couple dates with a trumpet player that I ended up not being interested in. I was getting into a new band (Never Ending Fall). And I was running away to two concerts every weekend. It was a lot and I was on a fast track to burning out.

After my second date with that trumpet player at the end of September (another historically shitty month), I realized the entire deluxe version of Apocalypse Whenever was out so I went on a drive after the date and let my mind wander as I listened to it in its entirety. When I got to this new song, I immediately needed to listen to it on repeat.

That night, I was greeted by the revelation that I don’t have to be perfect to let someone love me. Single-handedly, the pre-chorus illuminated the truth that this is how love works: I’m supposed to love people where they’re at and they’re supposed to love me where I’m at. Like that’s literally what God does. I knew I needed to sit with this revelation and the space to sit was coming.

I went on a mini road trip to see Bad Suns in Ventura and Sacramento the first week of October and that’s really when everything fell into place. I was alone for a big chunk of it and ended up catching up on some really great sermons I missed from being AWOL at church earlier in the year. It was as if I was finally ready to receive and understand these messages about God’s love empowering me to love others.

I came back from this trip emotionally in shambles in the best way. The lesson from “Life Jacket”, like the lesson from “Symphony of Lights”, was fully etched in my heart in a deep way.

Every time I listen to this song, the lessons of “Symphony of Lights” and “Grace (I Think I’m In Love Again)” are confirmed and furthered. I’m reminded of that grace I need and that true peace I’m looking for is found when I remember that God is with me. Every time I make an effort to show love or allow someone else to show me love it’s beautiful, but I shouldn’t rely on that for my peace of mind. When I rely on God for my peace of mind though, I’m reminded that I have a life jacket on so it’s easier to weather the waves of life and relationships. I just know this song will be helpful in this next chapter of life.

As for the Robotaki remix of Life Was Easier (the last song on the deluxe version of the album), let’s just think of it as the end credits song. It’s a great callback to what is truly the thesis statement of this album for me.

Closing Thoughts

If you made it this far, I’m amazed and you now know entirely too much about the emotional journey I went through this year. I know, it’s been a lot. But also, I hope you can see why this album meant EVERYTHING to me this year. There’s so many lessons, so many nuances, and so much to still sit with from this album. But wow, to have a soundtrack to carry me out of the really dark place I was in, feels so special.

I can’t wait to hear what fresh hell actual angel/possible prophet Christo Bowman has in store for me next year. God knows I’ll be sitting with this album for the rest of my life. Thanks again for a masterpiece Bad Suns, forever grateful for the art you make and can’t wait for what’s next.

If you’re looking for albums I enjoyed listening to this year, I have those too and broke them down by season. I also bolded the albums that like “Apocalypse Whenever”, caused me ✨emotional damage✨ and added ** to the ones that were actual contenders for my album of the year:

Winter:

Dawn FM by The Weeknd, LP3 by Hippo Campus, The Kick by Foxes**, Cleanse by Joywave, Are You Happy Now? by Jensen McRae

Spring:

Joy in the Morning by Spectre Jones, Uncanny Valley by COIN**, CRASH by Charli XCX**, PEP by Lights, Further Joy by The Regrettes**, Harry’s House by Harry Styles, Highway by Kid Bloom, Mellow Moon by Alfie Templeman

Summer:

Technicolor by Madison Rose, Generation of Me by Tor Miller, MUNA by MUNA**, Special by Lizzo, emails i can’t send by Sabrina Carpenter, Surrender by Maggie Rogers, RENAISSANCE by Beyoncé, Everything I Know About Love by Laufey

Fall:

Hold the Girl by Rina Sawayama**, SUCKERPUNCH by Maggie Lindemann, <COPINGMECHANISM> by WILLOW, American Bollywood by Young the Giant, Being Funny in a Foreign Language by The 1975, Dirt Femme by Tove Lo, The Loneliest Time by Carly Rae Jepsen, Marvelous by Yung Gravy, From Mexico with Love by Last Dinosaurs, Into the Rift (Deluxe) by Quarters of Change, SOS by SZA, Conditions of a Punk by Half•Alive

To another year of revelations brought on by masterpiece albums 🥂

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