Hiiii everyone. I wish I could say I had a better reason why I haven’t posted much on the blog in the last few months. But I don’t. My brain has turned to mush.

It’s something I have the most mixed feelings about because I like a lot of the things that have turned my brain to mush. But also I HATE other things that have turned my brain to mush. I’ll explain what I mean next because I’m stress crying wayyyy too much these days.

In so many ways, it feels like the past 2 years have been a blur. The loss of control about it has really frustrated me. It feels like the second I have it all together, something goes out of wack and I need to do something to fix it. Whether it was getting a part-time job to having two part-time jobs to a full-time job to a full-time job and a part-time job and now back to two part-time jobs where I’m “the glue” in both places…yeah my brain is tired just thinking of that…

Don’t get me wrong – I love a lot of what I do for work. I’m kind of working two dream jobs. It’s the best of both worlds sometimes. But like Hannah Montana/Miley Stewart, I’ve been on the struggle bus trying to keep up with both sides. I know I wanted to be Hannah Montana when I was a kid…but not like this.

Other things that have turned my brain to mush are as follows: the ways my friendships are changing, the exhausting state of the world, the economy and trying to fix my financial situation before things get worse, thinking about how the hell I’m supposed to uproot my life and move to London with what money, figuring out how to evolve my relationship to my parents as I move, the way my body is screaming at me to move and feed myself well when all I want to do is sleep and turn off my brain…I can’t actually handle this.

On the side of things that I like that have turned my brain to mush, it’s actually just God and Luke. Obviously it sucks so bad that I don’t have Luke physically here right now to calm my nervous system with his magically beautiful hands. But him and God have ever so sweetly reminding me to slow down and pursue rest and presence. That’s the antidote to all the chaos and my overfunctioning. And again, my word of the year (“slow”) coming back to smack me in the head to simplify things.

Because yeah – it’s in that presence that I remember why I’m doing all of this. I remember that I’m a working woman in music, the dream I’ve always had. I remember that I have been blessed with a lot to steward. I remember that I am setting up a home in London and reinventing my home in LA. And I remember I’m not alone in building any of this…and people genuinely like me for me.

I’ve been reaching the part of my life where my most valuable resource is time. And admittedly, I haven’t been using my time in the best ways that care for myself. So, this is me reclaiming that space in a way by processing this crazy timeline I’m living in.

This playlist explains the soundtrack of my brain feeling like mush. The good, the bad, and the ugly in essence. There’s a lot of cool things I’m doing lately, but also I’m being reminded of how important it is to check-in with myself and not sugarcoat things as I often do. Whether I’ve been aware of it or not, these songs have been helping me get connected with my inner voice, so I gotta process this through them.

maggots for brains by Olivia Rodrigo

“I’m a zombie in my body, I’m a train off of the track. I feel dirty, I feel rotten, and the colors are all flat…”

This song really explains the place my brain has been going when the mush-ness goes rampant: how much I wouldn’t be so miserable if Luke were with me. It’s true that regulating my nervous system is so much easier with him. It feels really lame that I’ve been struggling so bad to self-regulate with everything. I feel pathetic and dumb as a result of it. And that’s been a really weird and hard feeling to overcome.

In My Room by Julia Wolf

“I want your things in my room, I miss you all of the time. You make it look so easy, leaving everything behind…”

On that similar “maggots for brains” note, this song has also fed into that kind of pathetic feeling. It’s yearning but in a really teenage angst kinda way. Obviously I’ve been processing the implications of Luke having visited me and my world in LA in April still. Having him here made everything so real all of a sudden. Like, he was actually in my room…like he has sat in my bed, hung out in my living room, eaten dinner with my parents. Like, he’s not my imaginary friend. One thing just sort of ringing in my mush brain is how he said to me “you know, I think we’re gonna have to think about LA as a second home.” And I’ve very slowly been trying to come to terms with that because this relationship/family we’re building will not be as a simple as me buying a one way ticket to London and never coming back. Like, there may even be a scenario where we both live in LA again and I need to process that.

One song away from crying by Rachel Chinouriri

“I’m feeling sensitive and I don’t wanna talk anymore. The lies, my eyes or the vibes, I’m not really sure, should’ve stayed in…”

This song has been hitting the all-too-familiar feeling of “Kelly you gotta pull it together” but in such a fabulous way that Rachel is getting me excited for. I think it appears that I’m living a more glamorous life than I am and I feel tempted to keep up appearances like the LA woman am. I work in music, I’m splitting my time between London and LA, I have a lot of cool friends, I know and work for really cool people and clients…literally what is there to complain or be distressed about? The answer is surprisingly a lot and it is why my brain feels like mush. This week I’ve been really social and it’s been refreshing to be honest with people about how I’ve been feeling. It’s honestly why I felt compelled to finally finish this blog post. But honestly, I’ve been keeping everything in this blog post to myself for a lot of reasons and idk, it’s like I’ve realized it’s not healthy to keep it in like I have been.

The Walk Home by Young the Giant

“Is anyone out there listening? I’ve lost myself deep in the algorithm of someone else…”

Oh you mean what I do for work everyday? Ha that’s nice Sameer, just kick me in the gut why don’t you. Snarkiness aside, it is exhausting to work in social media. I need to stop sugarcoating that and pretending like I’m not affected by it. Like, people literally pay me to do this work because it is exhausting. A big reason my brain has turned to mush is the fact that all my work lives online and depends on me being chronically online. I had a moment when I stress cried in prayer listening to this song in the last couple months. It really stopped me in my tracks because I didn’t realize how much I was pretending I was handling it well. This song reminds me to pursue connection with people (not just Luke obviously). In fact, it’s made me realize I need to lean into my friends, community, and people IRL.

Caramel by 5SOS

“And it’s under my skin but I can’t reach in when you know where I’ve been so we play pretend…”

As you’ll notice with this playlist, I’ve been in a Young the Giant and 5SOS kick. I saw them live last month and classically got deep into their catalogs. This song feels like admitting defeat. It’s a gorgeous song, but the feeling it brings up is kinda uncomfortable for me. It speaks of that messy process of unearthing the gunk in a relationship. I feel like it speaks more to the cycles I’ve had with work lately instead of where Luke and I are at. Don’t get me wrong, Luke and I have also been unearthing some gunk in our relationship related to childhood trauma and sneaky unhealthy patterns but it’s been constructive and ultimately forward progress for us. Unearthing the gunk has been harder with work because the same unhealthy patterns have also been part of why I’ve been ignoring the tough time I’ve been having. I have the tendency to push through things that surpass my boundaries all for the sake of appearing like I’m strong and can handle things. It’s the savior complex in me that just never seems to die. Working 10-12 hour days for the past few months has really eaten me up and I’ve been really scared to admit that. Because there was a time it used to be easier to do it. But also, I don’t remember the last time I took a vacation/had time off that was restful. And that’s not good.

Happy With It by Suki Waterhouse

“Guess that’s just how it goes, I get what I chose and I change my mind again…”

This song in its fabulous cool girl nonchalance exactly explains how I’ve been feeling about my career working behind the scenes in music so far. In some ways, I feel so incredibly thankful of all that I’ve done and learned in just a couple years. I mean, I was literally backstage at the Greek a few weeks ago. But in other ways, I’ve been feeling thankful that 22-year-old me chose to work in tech first because I always have that to fall back on if I want to really leave the music industry (and also it can be a space that is more corporate). It’s been helpful for me to hear from people I work with and have gotten to know through networking that literally everyone feels like this at some point. This industry is hard and the sheer fact that I work two jobs in it to make a living feels insane. But we work in it because we love it. I mean this blog is literally proof that I would probably not exist without music. This song speaks to that angst of me going back and forth between “I asked for this and it is so cool to be here” and “I should just throw it all away”. Two very real feelings existing at the same time and mushing up my brain.

petal by Ariana Grande

“But I’m not a victim bitch I’m practically drowning in my blessings…”

Ariana’s album petal has been such an interesting listen for me lately. First of all, I hope she rests and gets the help she needs. I didn’t want to link the music video because she doesn’t look healthy to me and I’m not trying to promote that. But the commentary she is making with this album and song is exactly what I’ve been harping on about in the music industry. This song has exactly been hitting that feeling I described above. Also, my mush brain has been getting dopamine hits from all the little pieces of praise I get from my bosses and clients. No one is being as critical of me as I am. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough for the people I work for and with. That critical voice feels like it’s crushing my inner child and it’s making me miserable. And it’s further complicated by the fact that being this stressed is me “drowning in my blessings”. I do feel like a petal in the pavement on my bad days and nothing really has been getting me out of that funk.

Easier by 5SOS

“Is it easier to stay? Is it easier to go? I don’t wanna know…”

Continuing on those feelings about work, it feels like everyday I’m going back and forth about getting a boring tech job again so I can funnel my money into being a more full-time fangirl. This song simplifies it in me asking myself which is easier: staying in music or moving on to something new. The truth is I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about it. I do love the work I’m doing but I don’t know how sustainable it is for me. And it feels like at any moment, something could change – for good or bad truly. I feel really conflicted about what is best for me in this so I suppose I can only be present with how I’m feeling and what I perceive are the opportunities in front of me. This whole back and forth process further mushifies my brain btw. Also, we’re not gonna talk about Luke Hemmings in this video…why did they tie him up like that 😭

expectations by Olivia Rodrigo

“Past mistakes are just new information, these days I’ve got expectations…”

In my “should I stay or should I go?” back and forth, I’ve been realizing that I’m naturally falling into the “maybe I should set up better boundaries and healthier expectations for myself because I think that’s what I have the opportunity to learn right now”. But of course, figuring out that is hard and my mush brain hardly has the capacity to do that. Literally all I have is the raging in the chorus and the hopeful but abrasive bridge chants. My mush brain is telling me: “if I tell myself I have real big expectations about how I’m to be treated like this, maybe it’ll just magically change!” I know that’s not enough. But maybe fake it til you make it? I don’t know man…

Sick of Myself by 5SOS

“Everything’s Monday. Clock just goes one way, I can’t look myself in the eyes…”

This song is so real. I also think about my Luke every time I hear it because he said it was his favorite song from them. I feel this song deeply too. With all of the brain mush activity, I’ve felt so pathetic and useless and overall just sick of myself. It feels insane to admit that because I know I’ve been doing so much. But because of that critical voice, I feel unable to acknowledge what I have been able to do. And I’m sick of myself for it. It’s that feeling that makes me reach for Luke (Griffiths not Hemmings lol) to help me see what’s actually the truth. Which brings me back to that “maggots for brains” feeling that this song also hints at.

begged by Olivia Rodrigo

“I’m overwhelmed, I’m underfed, and yet I still cling, cling to hope like snow on mountains…”

Again, I fear this is another song about my career. I’ve been realizing how much I’ve poured into my career and it’s been really hard realizing that no matter how much I’ve poured myself into this, it’s not fulfilling me like I thought it would. I regularly have days where I’m unable to keep track of if I’ve eaten or moved my body because my mind is too fixed on trying to do a good job for everyone and everything. I start my days like a zombie and wonder why I feel miserable at night trying to go to bed. So then I numb my brain by scrolling online, which is still somehow work. I think the core problem of this is that I’ve associated my worth with all that I can do with work…and specifically whatever brings in money in this ridiculous economy I’m living in. It feels complex to carry these feelings because the work can be fulfilling. But it also drains me just as fast when it’s not a good day. As much as I’ve tried to find other ways to pour into myself (like trying to go on walks or making plans with friends), I just don’t end up having energy for myself at the end of the day. I can’t listen to this song much because it hits that quiet pain that’s been festering. And of course, I should feel thankful for this situation I’m in because in a way, I begged for this life.

This Too Shall Pass by Young the Giant

“Up in my skull there’s a shooting range. Oh, until I fall asleep again…”

Once again, Sameer’s voice shines like a revelation in this song. Admittedly I should be listening to this song more often because it speaks to all of it: the angst, the encouragement, the reminder that I’m doing better than I think, that my heart is in the right place, that this pain is building me up, that new seasons of life will bring change. This is the kind of song that holds so much weight and I need to take time to feel the weight of it.

Simplify by Young the Giant

“Are we gonna lose, is this gonna last, worry about the future, worry about the past, filter out the noise, focus on my voice and fall in…”

This song is basically a worship song to me. I had a moment listening to this song after I saw Young the Giant live where I realized I needed the grounding in this song. This song feels like the moment sun shines through clouds. It speaks to how I look to God and everything simplifies. Like I know there’s a lot of really complicated things I’m thinking about like “how long is this season supposed to last?” and “what is work gonna look like when I move to London?” and “where on earth is the money supposed to come from for the next chapter?” It all makes my brain mush. But I guess Luke and I have been grounding ourselves in the concept that God really will make good things happen for us as long as we let go of the reins. And that surrender is harder than I think if I’m honest.

Analog by Pomegranate

“Forgot I’m man and not machine. The scratches make the song unique. Ooo, I don’t wanna miss You…”

This song is a straight up worship song and I love how sweet it is. I met Ele through a friend and have been keeping an eye on her band Pomegranate. This song is colorful and it’s been speaking more to that idea of grounding myself in the analog. One of my biggest hurdles has been how hard it’s been for me to move my body in this time. Like I have moments where I feel this restless energy in my body just asking to be let out in a spurt but I choose to sit and get work done. It’s like I can feel the inflammation in my body manifest. I’ve also been realizing that I’ve gotten a new kind of eczema rash that’s been flaring up with either the heat or all the stress I’ve been feeling…not cute by the way. There have been moments where I have decided to move my body and there’s been a flicker of joy from noticing how my muscles interact with the movement. Not to mention how much I do need to step outside and look up at the sky every once in a while. You’d think I’d be on my balcony all the time with the way it’s so easy but no. The mush antidote is literally like 3 steps away and I don’t take advantage of it enough.

Lay It All Down by Debbii Dawson

“Too much on your mind and on your plate. Leave on all the lights to keep the dark away. Lay your head on my shoulder, don’t have to act older, we can hang out…”

I straight up stress cried to this song a couple weeks ago. I had gone to this women in tech networking event and I had to go home and finish work…that I was not in a mental state to finish. I felt just beyond overwhelmed and miserable about it and when this song came out on shuffle, it was like I heard the voice of God be like “hey, my love – you’ve been carrying a lot. You can lay it all down.” And honestly, this song keeps making me cry because of the way it’s that kind voice speaking to me. I listen to this song a lot these days because it makes me realize that my brain doesn’t have to turn to mush. I can just lay it all down.

Hope you enjoy these songs, it scares me to be this honest about all this but that’s just what my brain sounds like these days and I had to process this all somehow. My brain feels less mush and more like arancini now because I made this…anyway, full playlist here: