What the fuck is going on these days? There is so much happening and I’m feeling overwhelmed! I don’t think I’m fully aware of all that’s happening. Also I feel like I can’t even begin to sort through how I feel about it.
Only two things have helped me feel seen in that: my niece entering her ✨screaming✨ era and the song “Head on Fire” by Griff, Sigrid, MØ, and King Princess.
I discovered this song a couple months ago on a Spotify artist radio and at first it was just a fun pop anthem to listen to. Y’all know I love those. As we’ve gotten into the throes of Spring however, it’s really turned into an absolute anthem for me.
The song details the feeling when you can’t get someone out of your head, according to Griff and Sigrid. I’m no stranger to that feeling because it’s an overwhelming feeling; you can’t forget it. However, that same overwhelming feeling where you can’t stop thinking about someone or something is hovering around a few different things in my life.
Yeah, I suppose I should explain why I feel like a screaming toddler lol. Also I want to preface this by saying it’s not all bad!
What it boils down to is there’s a lot of shifts in different areas of my life that are happening all at the same time. It’s good, it’s bad, it’s ugly, it’s beautiful—it’s on brand for Spring I guess.
Let’s break it down starting with the good, aka the part where it feels like I’m “walking straight into a burning light.”
Work’s been busy with three launches on my plate in the past couple months or so. And I’ve been doing my best at managing the day to day of all of them with the new processes we implemented this year. There’s a project management layer of my role these days and I’m finding myself growing into it. Early March before it all started happening, I definitely hit a speed bump of impostor syndrome where I was not sure I was competent enough to handle it. But after talking through it with my therapist, I’ve been making it a point to acknowledge the good work I’ve put in. Also, God I love my job.
And that brings me to the other life-giving thing: the breakthroughs I’ve been having in therapy. I have been in process of figuring out how to love myself and love my parents better. I’ve been intentionally trying to spend more time with them and I can feel the ice I had kept around my heart for them starting to melt. It’s new to make myself more available for my parents for just sharing time together, especially because it leaves space for them to open up with stories I haven’t heard before. My therapist has been a big cheerleader for me and it’s been easier to be kind to myself in this time.
However, on the “I think I’m losing my mind” side of things, my struggles with health, friendships, and the world have kept me honestly stressed. It would be an oversimplification of my issues if I said that I was overstimulated but I guess that’s where it all starts.
I know I haven’t had good habits other than sleeping well during the pandemic. I’ve been terrible about thinking positively or at least neutrally about movement and exercise for a really long time. I’ve also been terrible about eating well because my mental health was so bad that I’d forget to eat and when I’d remember to eat, I’d only want to eat junk food. I honestly think I might have some sort of mild eating disorder. I’m planning to talk to a nutritionist soon but God, too much brain space being saved for my inner demons telling me I suck at taking care of my physical self.
And then there’s friendships. Ah, friendships. My friendships have been in such a weird place. My best friends have begun the process of moving forward in their lives and my eternal struggle of “I could really use a friend right now but I don’t want to inconvenience anyone” are making for some really lonely times. Having just come out of a season where a friendship completely blew up in my face, I’ve been overthinking EVERYTHING in basically all my relationships. It’s like I’ve started to feel insecure about anyone being my friend. I also really miss the days of spontaneity in college where I could hit up someone about going stargazing on a Thursday night and we’d do it. To add to all this, I’ve been feeling a void where I need more musically inclined friends. It’s just all too much to think about for too long so I’ve been paralyzed and choosing to stay in and just watch my parents watch YouTube videos of street food around the world.
Now, about the state of the world. UGH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. There’s a war, poverty, inflation, aggressive discrimination against people of color and LGBTQIA+ folks, climate change, oh yeah the pandemic is still happening, and oh God I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the latest celebrity gossip anymore pls give it a rest. I’m so tired of checking Twitter and yet I can’t delete the app. Partially because I’m still entertaining the idea of building a Twitter following for the blog. Idk, maybe Elon will make it so unbearably bad that I’ll have to leave. I HATE ALL OF THIS AND I FEEL POWERLESS IN FIXING IT. God help us all.
So, if you’ve made it this far, can you understand why I can’t get a song whose chorus starts with “I think I’m losing my MIND” and ends with “SITTING HERE WITH MY HEAD ON FIRE” out of my head now? Also, I don’t even feel like I covered everything!!!
This song is giving me comfort in the way that one of those super raw prayers does because I find myself feeling free to scream. Unlike my niece these days, I don’t feel free to scream whenever I want. I also love that this song gives me the ability to dance passionately in my desk chair or in the car, with a nice musical cooldown at the end.
If your head is also on fire or you’re looking for a fun pop anthem for these chaotic days, I highly recommend this one.