If you would’ve told me three years ago that I’d have the life I have now, I think I would struggle to understand it. And that’s something me right now is saying “yeah…same bestie I don’t get it either”.
I think about October 2023 a lot, mostly because of the way one heartbreak also broke my brain and literally my entire life.
While I think about the guy that caused it from time to time, I find myself thinking more about the way that heartbreak broke me because it felt so deep. I’ve not been able to make sense of it since then…but I’m talking about it now because it feels like something just clicked.
I’ve been talking with Luke a bunch about his Saturn return, because he is really in the thick of it and as his partner, I’m trying my best to encourage him that the blooms around me lately came from the wholeee process.
It’s crazy to realize what an absolute whirlwind the last 3.5 years were. It all felt so hazy for a really long time where things changed faster than I could keep up with. Now, things are still changing very fast around and in me, but it’s like I’ve arrived at the point of understanding the character arc I have gone through in the past 3.5 years or so.
It’s been a process of unraveling and emerging and unraveling again and grieving and emerging — a dizzying process if I’m “being so fucking for real” as that one ex used to say. But that’s the whole point of it all. The version of me that’s on the other side of all this stuff is real and not afraid to be messy. And like the love of my life Luke pointed out, it’s marked me with a real understanding of humility.
And of course the only way to explain it is through the songs that walked me through the moment before, the break, the pieces scattering, the grieving, the reconfiguration, and the many repeats of it as I made sense of it all.
Full playlist:
Highlights
Kamikaze by Omar Apollo
“Yeah, it really don’t feel good, does it?”
So flashback with me here. It’s April 2023 and I’m just bopping along to Omar Apollo absolutely obsessed with this song. I love my job, I see my best friends somewhat often, I have a crush on a coworker at my cool job, and I am this concert going baddie. I was living it up, but still something felt off. I was trying to chase a high of living this idealized life in LA but it’s like I needed a new adventure. I had gone to my bestie Katie’s bachelorette weekend in Houston in March and had a really interesting conversation with her maid of honor and my friend Shannon. She was raving about she felt Houston was her “soul city”, as in even though she was from Northern California, she felt at home in Houston. I remember telling her that I never doubted mine was LA…but that’s when the first break happened.
Killing Me by Omar Apollo
“What I do makes me wonder if I’m alright…”
The story deepens with that chance encounter. I was starting to feel stuck and looking for my next escape. And I had found it in the form of a very interesting man from Tokyo. We met in late April 2023 and all of a sudden it felt like I was onto something. It was passionate and fun and I found a wilder version of myself, but it definitely wasn’t good for me in hindsight. If anything, something about it was killing me (to be so dramatic about it).
Solo by The Aces
“Call it how it is, I know that I’m hard to deal with…”
This song was the canary in the coal mine. I was obsessed with song in May 2023. I was so captivated by that paradox of a man that I didn’t fully realize what he was bringing out in me. I had known I was gonna deal with some form of anxiety trying to figure out how to let this guy into my world, but I was totally lying to myself thinking that I had the upper hand/a hold on it.
SELF-SABOTAGE by Waterparks
“To get away from you, I’ll self-sabotage…”
All of a sudden, a sneaky feeling of “heyy…maybe this guy isn’t as safe as I was projecting” came up in me. I was doing a decent job of stifling my anxious side at this time, but then all of a sudden it took over. And it’s like my response to it was to act in this relationship as this “evasive cool girl”. I was trying to be cool with a lot of things about him that I wasn’t actually cool with. Right when I thought I was going to actually act from something I wanted, it’s like I realized this relationship wasn’t really what I wanted. But I still kept telling myself it was something that was good for me.
CLOSER by Waterparks
“I need you closer or I need it over…”
When I confronted him about the way he was starting to ghost me in June 2023, I felt justified in making a good choice for myself. BUT of course it didn’t actually feel good to get rejected. This swirl of feelings was a little weird to sit with as I moved to process what this encounter had brought out in me.
Suburban Blues by The Aces
“Nobody knows that I’m dying inside, nobody knows that I’m hating my life…”
The first feeling I sat with was angst (of course). In a way, I felt trapped by my circumstances: I was living at home, haunted by generational trauma, and every single escape tactic I had been using just wasn’t cutting it anymore. This song helped me move through that.
Black Horse by Sarah Kinsley
“But now something in me screams to be wild, to be obscene, to stop playing the firstborn daughter in your American dream. What’s in it for me?”
This song really summarizes the voice of my inner teenager coming out to tell me what I needed to focus on. I wanted freedom from all expectations. I didn’t know what I wanted yet but once I gave my inner teenager space to say her piece, well, I knew I had to listen.
Person by The Aces
“Lost time on the passenger side, a life that’s not mine and I couldn’t feel lower…”
This song really grounded me in the depression. I was looking to this song to let myself feel permission to be depressed. It was the first real wave of grief realizing that I had ignored this inner teenager in me. But this song reminded me it was ok to make mistakes and be sad.
Walls (with Jon Bellion) by Jonas Brothers
“‘Cause time is a doorframe I wanna go through, as long as it leads me back to you…”
The end of summer 2023 had me in a puddle of tears. Like the kind where I was crying to the Jonas Brothers again. It’s like I understood a slew of endings was running towards me. Like I said before, I was unraveling and it wasn’t pretty. All the masks I had tried to hide behind were failing me. I needed to leave the church I was at. I needed to differentiate myself from my parents. I needed to assess all my friendships, how I spent my time, and what my goals were. It wasn’t because of this lover. But it was instigated by the time we had shared. It had brought out this more real version of me. I knew I was making the walls in my room cry. But it was like I was starting to really grieve and it was time to say goodbye to everything that had been. Absolute Saturn Return stuff imo.
The One I Used To Love by Bad Suns
“Forgot who I am, so I swam in the ocean (nobody listens to me). I fuck up the plan, just to feel some emotion (not me, especially)…”
And like all eras of my life I guess, there’s a Bad Suns song to mark it. In September 2023 I was really trying to keep it together. I remember screaming this song with every ounce of soul I had when I saw Bad Suns (before I ran into my ex at that show). There was something kind of comforting in the way Christo Bowman was singing at me the exact things I was feeling. But also, my guy sounded like he went through the wringer too.
Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift
“I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero…”
This song was weirdly enough my “pump-up” song before I went to meet my ex for dinner. It’s like I wanted him to know I was sitting with what being around him had taught me. I knew I was a mess and I needed him to know that I was working on it. Unfortunately, he was not prepared to handle it like I wanted him to. Hell, like I knew he wanted to but just couldn’t.
Give Yourself A Try by The 1975
“You’re getting spiritually enlightened at 29, so just give yourself a try…”
This song was like the only bright spot of October 2, 2026 at The 1975. It has always been a favorite of mine, but it hit different that night with the emotional weather I was under. It’s like God Himself was like “if there’s one thing you need to receive tonight, it’s this: give yourself a try”.
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Paranoid by The Beaches
“I must’ve left my self-esteem at the base of your bedsheets…”
Unfortunately, my self-esteem demons weren’t gonna go down without a fight. And damn, they fought DIRTY in fall 2023. The situation I was in with my ex was so weird because I could tell he wanted to connect with me. But it was like he had put me on a weird pedestal. I did like feeling like I had power over him for a bit. But after the confusing set of interactions at The 1975 show, I was this raw, anxious puddle of a woman again. I wanted to see him, but he kept avoiding me after that. I wanted a chance to explain that I wanted to date him properly, but I needed reassurance that he wouldn’t run away from me trying to be authentic. And suddenly I fell into the familiar pattern of unrequited love.
Say Don’t Go by Taylor Swift
“And I’m yours, but you’re not mine. Oh no, oh no, you’re not there…”
This song always reminds me of the rock bottom I hit on Halloween 2023. That night was so weird. And at the end of it, I felt this deep loneliness and anxiety, mostly because of that ex. I felt so inadequate, even dressed as Jessica Rabbit. It felt so depressing that I couldn’t outrun my self-esteem demons. It’s like I had to surrender to the hurt.
Disappear Here by Bad Suns
“I feel I’ve stood here once before…”
Naturally, after hitting that familiar pattern, I knew I needed to go to therapy again. But again, Bad Suns was there to hold the tissue box for me. I love this song so much and it really wrapped me in a blanket as I found myself reckoning with this teenage wound of worthiness and unrequited love. It’s like once and for all I needed to get to the root of this to heal.
Living Or Dying by Bad Suns
“I feel like I’m lying, I’m cheating myself, I’m tired of trying to please everyone else…”
Every time I listen to this song I think about how broken I felt in Fall 2023. I also think about when I went to see Bad Suns and ended up talking to Christo before the show and telling him about how much this song was hitting me. I still remember the warm hug I got from him when I told him. It’s like this song gave me the real issue: I was tired of trying to please everyone else.
Everything Is… by Bad Suns
“It doesn’t matter if you lie, tell me everything will be alright…”
For all the heaviness I was feeling, I was trying to find a way to bop through the hard time. And thankfully Bad Suns had a song for me. The hardest part of this process was just how heavy everything felt. But I felt the changes happening, so I tried my best to hold on and tell myself it would all be ok.
Snow Angel by Reneé Rapp
“I’ll angel in the snow until I’m worthy. If it kills me I tried…”
The more I ruminated and knuckled through the winter, the more my voice became clearer. And suddenly, I had found some power in the rubble to reach out to that ex and tell him he hurt me. Even if I had to muster all the courage in me to do so. It was a sign of healing for me to tell the truth.
Paint My Bedroom Black by Holly Humberstone
“Now, with the windows down I am reborn, in the ever-fading light. No, I don’t feel that sinking feeling no more. I think it’s gonna be alright…”
This was the first shred of hope in early 2024. It’s like I had chosen to find a new shred of courage to do things for myself. And thus Holly Humberstone became a very important voice in this journey.
Edge of the Earth by The Beaches
“If I hold you too close, will the good things still grow?”
Unfortunately, the courage lasted like a dopamine hit. And suddenly I found myself wondering if I had been too harsh with my ex. The combination of wanting to be loved and seen after spending so much time alone had me feeling very vulnerable. So I started daydreaming about taking a couple steps back.
don’t wanna break up again by Ariana Grande
“I made it so easy, spent so much on therapy with my own co-dependency…”
Ariana really knew exactly what was up too when she released eternal sunshine. This song was trying to be the voice of reason as I kept bargaining with myself about reaching out to my ex again. I didn’t want to keep breaking my heart by staying trapped in the cycle.
Saturn Returns interlude by Ariana Grande
“It’s time for you to get real about life and sort out who you really are…”
Yeah that about sums it up.
Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus by Taylor Swift
“You turned me into an idea of sorts…”
When I think about the way The Tortured Poets Department hit me in Spring 2024, it was like it came in with gasoline. I had just been rejected again by my ex, so I was heartbroken and alone and just hazy. I remember listening to all of those Taylor songs just crying. But this song particularly broke me because of the way I felt like I had been turned into “an idea of sorts” by my ex. And it felt so dismissive of my personhood. This song became a painful reminder of that low point.
Sad To Breathe by The Japanese House
“‘Cause you’re right and I’m tryin’ to change myself, but it’s tirin’…”
Spring 2024 was just a sad time. I was in the thick of the grieving. I couldn’t handle the way I felt heavy all the time. I was walking around with my depression and even though I was trying to change and look on the bright side, I couldn’t move on so easily.
Sunshine Baby by The Japanese House
“Perform my stupid rituals, everything is cyclical. Hold on to this feeling ’cause you won’t feel it for long…”
This song really was me trying to look on the bright side with all my sadness in the passenger seat. I really struggled with trusting myself and knowing what I wanted during this time. It’s like I was so sad that I didn’t feel like myself. I was trying to surrender and understand self-compassion. I do think it started to work after a while.
There It Goes by Maisie Peters
“A new home, a swan dive, a blank page, a rewrite, a black cat in the streetlights, an open door…”
This song is somehow both a prophecy and the perfect summation of how things started to change. I remember doing a cover of this song before I truly felt what it was telling me. It’s like I knew the gravity it held. Honestly, late May 2024 me lowkey treated this song like a prayer. And high key, God listened.
Better Than This by Lizzy McAlpine
“It’s probably wrong that I never was honest. Honest to God, I was scared…”
The maturity came in the way I began to choose self-compassion in the heaviness. I was just a scared little girl that someone could love me even when I was a mess. So I had to learn to get comfortable with myself being a mess for once.
Keys to Your Civic by Last Dinosaurs
“Waiting on your best years, got the keys to your Civic and we’ve got time…”
The weirdest part of Spring 2024 was the way there was this shred of defiant joy I was chasing. Not from a place of escapism, but a from a place of embodiment. I knew I needed to take myself on long walks among the flowers and even if it was a temporary relief, it kept me hopeful that God was meeting me in this sad season.
Lunar Shadows by Bad Suns
“Can’t seem to move, lost my groove. Lunar shadows of gloom. Avert my view from the moon, concrete flowers in bloom. If I open up my eyes…”
Then came the next heartbreak, being let go from the job I loved in June 2024. While I had seen it coming and was pretty anxious and sad at first, eventually I was kinda like “welp, nothing left to lose now!” I wasn’t so nihilistic about it because I knew this meant that something bigger had to be coming. I remember writing in my journal the night before it happened saying something like “if this is happens, then there’s nothing keeping me in LA I guess…” And funnily enough, what came next was my first trip to London in June 2024, where I felt the magic start creeping in.
Supersad by Suki Waterhouse
“Spiralling is what I do, maybe I should treat myself, new point of view. Wash my face, fix my hair, swear to God I’m over being so damn scared, I look so much better, when I don’t care…”
I remember feeling like the world opened up when I was let go from my job. Don’t get me wrong, I did cry for like a week. But then I had to pack my bags for my first trip to London and Paris. And the high I got from being in London was enough to remind me that the world was so much bigger than I had been living in. I just had to get out of my head and into the world.
Water the Flowers, Pray for a Garden by Valley
“Quit wasting the sunlight, it’s always the right time. Just open your eyes ’cause it’s always the bright side…”
This song from Valley exactly explained the weird optimistic state I chose to be in when I was thrown into funemployment. All of a sudden, I felt free to do anything I wanted. But I knew that was gonna be journey in itself. I usually tend to feel quite empowered when it comes to career stuff because I knew I could prove myself. But the challenge this time was to prove myself to myself.
Anything by Griff
“You know if you told me to run, jump, throw my body right off of a highwire bridge ’cause you’d meet me at the bottom, I would’ve done anything you wanted…”
Now this is where I just have to stand in awe of God because finding this song by Griff to explain how sad I still was in June 2024 is just poetic in hindsight. What was lurking in my adrenaline-fueled optimism was an obvious sadness and grief. I was sad to leave my work community and it seemed like it compounded with the grief I was still feeling about my ex. This thread of letting other people run my life started to expose itself. It’s poetic that Luke’s literal sister was coming with some words of truth.
Pitiful by Remi Wolf
“And baby, it’ll take a miracle, I’ll go home, I’m p-p-p-p-pitiful…”
The more I sit with it, the more fascinating it is that all the upbeat songs I was loving in this era were like super sad lol. I was sitting with some compounded grief when I listened to Remi’s album in summer 2024 and it was so heavy I just had to groove through it. Also, this is one of two songs Luke and I bonded over when we would meet a year later.
Soup by Remi Wolf
“If you gave me your keys, I’ll go and pick up the soup…”
This was my favorite song off of Big Ideas and I feel like it explained my giving nature that was still in my veins. Something I remember sitting with amidst the grief of summer 2024 was the way that it wasn’t my character that had been shaken by these endings. It was just a sign that I’d been growing and needed a new place to grow in.
Wonderful Nothing by Glass Animals
“I’ve just come back to life, I’m here, I’m your little ray of sunshine…”
This song was not only my song of the year in 2025 but it was the theme song of me emerging from the depths of my sadness. I knew a new version of me was being born and it felt like everything was rightfully burning around me. But it’s like I really came back to life with the odds stacked against me. My rising from the ashes theme song if you will.
A Tear in Space (Airlock) by Glass Animals
“Stretch me like leather rope, make me invisible, shape me into your form, what are you waiting for?”
All summer, this gnawing thread of my people pleaser self running my life became hard to ignore. It hit a fever pitch as I sat with the Glass Animals album that was my 2024 album of the year. This song exposed the way that the way I was loving people with reckless abandon was actually an unkind thing for me to do. It was a tough lesson of love to learn, but it was hearing the way Dave sings these lyrics with such painful desperation that I realized that had been me. Not just with my ex, but with my job, with my old church community, with some old friendships – literally every part of my life. This hurt and cycle were ancient to me and of course confronting it was gonna be painful. But this time I was determined.
I Can’t Make You Fall in Love Again by Glass Animals
“It was never good enough. We were never good enough. It was never really you, so I can’t make you fall in love again…”
What was so striking about letting myself be healed by ILYSFM by Glass Animals was that it ran deep. There was a lot of vulnerable hurt in the album that I kept singing my way through. The painful realization in the healing process came with this song: no matter how hard I try to please people, it doesn’t mean I can make them fall in love with me. And suddenly all the effort I had put into holding my life together became too heavy. And I hit a moment of surrender with God in it. It was never my job to please people to prove my worthiness. And it was like the lesson I’d been trying to learn my entire life sunk in.
apple by Charli XCX and The Japanese House
“When you made me, you made me so sad, so sad (I wanna know where you go when you’re feeling alone, when you’re feeling alone, do you?)…”
This song really soundtracked Fall 2024. I’d made friends with the sadness. But the unexplained part of the story was “what am I supposed to do with the fact that I need to get out of LA?” I had angst about it still, but it wasn’t yet time to move. I need to save money for exploring my options. But I started daydreaming about trying Australia, Taiwan, and of course, London…
Helium by Glass Animals
“Are our foundations destined to keep crumbling…”
This song really captured the cycles of grief I felt stuck in, especially as I would think about my ex and where he stood in all that I was sorting through. This song felt like the moment I accepted that I wouldn’t see him again. I was in a full-blown renovation and he wouldn’t get to see it.
Lost in the Ocean by Glass Animals
“You get lost in the ocean, but you know I’d do anything for ya…”
This song was my little baby blanket in the dead of winter 2025. I crashed out to it MULTIPLE TIMES. It’s actually impossible for me to listen to this song and not cry. I cry EVERY TIME I LISTEN TO THIS SONG…STILL. But that’s because it always has the simple sentiment that I need to hear. Even when I found myself crashing out about the idea of having to leave the magic of London in Summer 2025, I reached for this song. This song marks the way I began to integrate the lessons of self-compassion from this period of my life. Dave captures the inner wrestling so well and I just love it so much. In the days I found it hard to say it to myself, I chose to receive this song as a love song from God. And that’s when I knew the healing had really begun. Wow, I can’t believe I don’t have this album on vinyl yet.
SOUND OF LETTING GO by Orla Gartland
“I can’t change you, can’t change me, can’t change anything. So, I guess I gotta let it go. That’s the sound of letting go…”
As soon as I was wiping the tears from Glass Animals’ “Lost in the Ocean”, I was trying to figure out how to keep moving forward. January 2025 was a outward disaster, but internally, I was realizing a quiet strength and determination that had taken root. I was trying to find my way through what felt like the falling apart of my world bleeding into the falling apart of the world around me. I felt like a new version of me was being forged and it was empowering.
Between Me and You by Brandon Flowers
“These hours I’m working ain’t nearly enough and sometimes it’s like a bullet came and blasted me right of out of the blue. But I’m doing my best to not let it get between me and you…”
This song was me loosing my grip from the past version of me and letting God do the work in me that He needed. I had loved the version of me that existed from 2021-2024, but she needed to give way to the new version of me that was being forged. I was also working my ass off to make ends meet with my two jobs. But forging ahead I went.
LAYLA IN THE ROCKET by MICHELLE
“What’s next? Only God knows…”
February 2025 had a sheen of defiant joy to it. I was in the last year of my 20s and eager to figure out what God was scheming about on my behalf. I had accomplished a goal in helping out with the KOSIGN launch with one of my jobs and it was surreal to realize how dreaming from years ago (January 2021 to be exact) built up to this. I started to feel like it was time to start dreaming up new things.
Little Freak by Harry Styles
“I was thinking about who you are, your delicate point of view…”
I loved how I described this song feeling like the grief from Steven caramelizing. Because in the way I was actually letting him go, I was learning that I had done a much better job of loving myself. I loved him messily, but more importantly, I loved myself messily through the whole process. I said before that it felt good for me to realize how my life was moving forward and it was because the experience of dating him pushed me into having the courage to live as authentically as I could. I really felt like my inner dialogue felt better as I practiced self-compassion and wrestled with my 2025 word of the year, discipline.
BUTTERFLY by MARINA
“Watch me grow from afar as I turn into a butterfly. Now I’m leaving you behind…”
This song was the whisper in late winter/early spring 2025 that a new version of me was emerging. I locked in my triumphant return to London with an even more exciting dream come true: going to SXSW for its first year in London. As a result, I started to dreaming up new dreams because this new butterfly version of me was capable of listening to myself and making it happen. I began to feel so decisive and confident and it was the coolest feeling.
Bluest Flame by Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco
“Ah, I just wanna go all night, I just wanna go insane, touchin’ in the summer rain, hotter than the bluest flame, hotter than the bluest flame…”
This absolute Charli XCX bop was kinda the first sign that I was a more healed version of springtime 2023 Kelly. I had worked hard to heal and take my dreams seriously, so I was ready for some fun. I knew what I wanted (a steady relationship), but I was open to anything. Including getting on London Hinge and just seeing what London boys were like…
oyster by Chloe Moriondo
“It gets so hard to keep up with all of the broken parts I leave. Leave ’em laying down in the dark, down in the dark…”
This song followed me like the girlboss I am. In a big way, I realized how far I’d come in like 6-8 months. I went from being funemployed but feeling like the world is my oyster to me actually letting my curiosity lead me. Here’s where I learned another important Saturn Return lesson: make a list of all the things you want to be a beginner at and put yourself out there. In other words, give yourself a try because the world is your oyster.
Growing Pains by Trousdale
“I’m proud of how far I’ve come, but there’s a long, long way to go…”
I remember feeling this song loud and clear in spring 2025. Yes I was achieving and dreaming again. But y’all, I was putting in the WORK and it was not easy. I felt like I was in bootcamp honestly. It was a lot of growing pains in this season. And it’s high key been the case since if I’m honest…but let’s talk about that a bit later.
Slow Karma by Bad Suns
“I’ll turn my luck back around. Oh, I’m still searching for some higher ground…”
When Bad Suns gets me, they get me good. And this song being released as a single in Spring 2025 told me everythingggg I was feeling and was going to be feeling next. It’s honestly scary how to a “T” this song was in April 2025. I knew something was coming, but I couldn’t tell what yet. Once again I was screaming at Christo singing in my car like “God, what supernatural insight did you give this man???”
Parachute by Joe Jonas
“Even if I’m late to the party, even if my boots get dirty, dancing in the cage with thirty, I’ll be fine, yeah, I’ll be fine, yeah. I don’t know where I might land, got life back in my hands, I’m dusting off my parachute…”
I remember listening to this song as I boarded my flight to Ireland in May 2025. It was exciting and electrifying to sit with this song for the first time as I boarded that life-changing flight. Again, I knew something big was coming, but I had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side of the flight. I had to take this leap to explore and I knew I couldn’t have any expectations except that God may show up.
Keeping Score by Beeson
“I try to speak kindly, never ask for more, ’til I saw God they said they’re not keeping score…”
And show up God did. Oh man, the reset this song was in June 2025. I can’t begin to explain it. First of all, Ireland with my cousins was the most memorable trip. Second of all, the magic that waited for me in London was everything I had been waiting for. This song was the soundtrack to me letting myself enjoy it all. I had been in such sadness and grief for so long. It felt good to let the sun shine on me and let myself just want the dream come true with meeting and falling for Luke and London. The freedom I craved was right in front of me and it’s like I finally surrendered to wanting it.
ROLLERCOASTER by MARINA
“I’vе never been so happy, smiling so wide, I never thought I’d find the love of my life…”
I really went full Princess of Power in June 2025 and I’ll remember it fondly as long as I live. Meeting and falling for Luke was just so magical. Like the more I learned about him, the more it made sense why I had been brought so low. Because now that I was loving myself well, he was just magnetized to me. It was the most beautiful time.
GRWM by Lorde
“Since ’96, been looking for grown woman…”
Lorde said it perfectly for me: I am a grown woman in a baby tee. And you know what, I love that for me. Listening to this song at the end of June 2025 felt like this redemptive moment where I finally saw all the ways I’d grown in LA.
Take a Sexy Picture of Me by CMAT
“I’ve been having a horrible time of late. I get none of your sympathy, but all of the pain hits and the fog lifts and then it’s too much for therapy…”
I fucking love this song because CMAT is so real for it. In a funny way, it was a little bit of the posture I held as I was trying to understand how and why Luke loved me so quickly. Like I had tried and contorted myself in past romantic situations. But the time I decided to stop doing that, love became effortless. And our relationship in all its silliness became joyful for me.
Why Am I Like This? by Bad Suns
“Why am I, like, why am I like this? Remind me I’m ok…”
The pipeline from “Living Or Dying” to “Why Am I Like This?” needs to be studied…and this is my attempt at it. This song feels related to the feelings of me crashing out in June through October 2023. I felt like I was in the throes of sadness then. But it’s crazy how this song reminds me how much I’d healed in summer 2025. Honestly, in just healing in my relationship with Luke. When I would crash out to this song in late 2025 (especially when my dad called me from the hospital the day before I was due to fly back to LA in November 2025), it’s like I knew I wasn’t alone. I had Luke and God on my side, so it felt like I would be ok. And tbh, been ok ever since.
Old Shadows by Alice Phoebe Lou
“It’s those old shadows, that haunt my waking self. They’ve been taking up the space inside my dreams…”
This song really met me in summer 2025 when I was away from Luke and setting up the new rituals with him. I was truly healing in this relationship and it felt like a nervous system reset to realize that he just really loved me for me. This song so gently felt like the declaration that I wasn’t perfect, but I at least could be so honest with him with my whole self. And he received me every time. He still does. But it is important for me to call out that it’s been me practicing receiving myself and letting God in as well that has made it easier to accept that Luke wants me to be honest too.
d£aler by Lola Young
“Tell you, “No”, make it clear, that I’m not coming back for fifteen years…”
This song really spoke (high key still speaks to!) the idea that I was still not quite on the other side of the Saturn Return yet. See, every time I’m in LA, I feel like this bratty, stunted teenage self that just wants to run away from everything. I’m easily annoyed, prone to escapism, and just kind of a curmudgeon on a sunny day. I will say though, due to recent developments, I do feel less like that right now. But we’ll talk more about that soon…
Sore by Chrissy
“There′s a garden growing inside of me. Open me up and I won’t bleed…”
This song found me in late summer/early Fall 2025 and it explained how I was feeling in the in-between space of grief and letting go of LA and the hopefulness of the new dreams in London. In the middle of it all, I felt sore. It was a lot emotionally to try to understand how different the year before, let alone two years before felt like. I was overwhelmed with my life and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t make space to understand what had really happened. I was so in the middle of the season/storm and I did my best to lean in because that’s all I had energy to do. I was tired of crying and grieving.
Man of the House by Gatlin
“I can let you in or I can kick you out. Read the fucking sign, ‘No bullshit allowed’…”
What snuck up on me in Fall 2025 among the busyness was the voice of me as an adult (through the lovely Gatlin’s song). It’s like all the work I had done in therapy lead me into the place where I felt ready to step out. My last therapist was big on illustrating the fact that I was moving houses mentally/emotionally/spiritually and in the process of sorting through it. I began feeling empowered that I was building a new house for myself. Not just physically in London, but actually stepping into a voice of authority.
Hush Baby, Hurry Slowly by Sigrid
“Baby, I’m scared of finding out what we’d be. Maybe I’m used to being lonely and free all the time. I was tryna find someone just like you. And now you’re here, and I’m getting kinda nervous…”
This song really described how my growth sped up again when I was in London in November 2025. Luke and I were not only catching up to the growth we’d had in the four months apart, but I was still trying to reach out to any unhealed parts of me from fall 2023 that were still lurking. And I didn’t have to reach too far because I ended up having a panic attack related to the way I was scared Luke would leave me for any reason/randomly wake up and decide he didn’t like me because I was “too much”. The fear of abandonment was loud. But I had to remind myself how new it was that if I wanted this to work, I couldn’t be afraid of Luke seeing me in potentially the messiest state I’d ever been, mid-panic attack. He might not have known exactly what to do with me, but he wanted to be there to talk me off the ledge so-to-speak. And I don’t take that lightly.
Two Years by Sigrid
“It took me two years to get out of trouble, two years I’m back to the start…”
This song was really a love song to that unhealed part of me. It’s a dizzying song in the best way. And lowkey it was the song that maybe instigated that panic attack I just mentioned…oops. I remember listening to it before Luke met me outside of his weekly church small group. Calling him mid-panic attack was honestly such a scary thing for me. The funniest thing about it was that I had no problem being a mess on the streets of Camden, but suddenly letting myself be like that in front of him via video call felt like I might as well have been naked in front of him. And honestly, it was a leap of faith to show up like that.
How to Live by Del Water Gap
“I’m so afraid you’re finding me out. But there’s something in the rough, figuring out just how to live…”
I totally lowkey crashed out to this song after all of the fears had come up in me from sharing that really vulnerable moment with Luke and having to go back to clear-headed girlbossing with my remote jobs. I remember feeling like I was occupying this weird space of having it all together and being a total mess. Del Water Gap really said it all for me. I felt scared in this messy place because I was realizing this was just gonna be the rest of my life: always figuring out how to live. I also didn’t know if Luke was really aware of the mess he was getting into with me and it was scary. But it’s like I started to understand that he kept showing up for some reason. And that’s what love really is.
Ready To Take Flight by Bad Suns
“I’m ready to take flight. I’m not perfect I’m alive. I’m ready to take flight. It’s impossible if you never try…”
Naturally, this song continually met me in that in-between season in fall/winter 2025. Having taken the lessons of November 2025 in all its new grief, I still came to realize that there was a lot of forward movement. I was accelerating, if you will. And I could tell in how determined I started becoming in discerning the path to London and how my relationship with Luke was unfolding. This song became my anthem for choosing to move forward in faith and dreaming, despite not having the plan 100% set. I knew there was a degree of letting things unfold. And I’m still watching it unfold if I’m honest.
What’s Best for You by Bad Suns
“I want only what’s best for you, I wish I could be. But what’s best for you ain’t me…”
With all the forward movement that was taking place in late 2025, there was still this sneaky grief about some friendship changes, new attitudes about work and burnout, and overall, the idea that I had to let go of the outgrown dream I had about living in LA for the rest of my life. It was hard to sort through all of that. I remember feeling like “why am I still crying about this shit? Ugh I thought I was done with thissss…” But it still weighed heavy on my heart as I stepped into 2026. Me choosing the dream of moving my life to London meant having to let go of the dream I was still holding onto in LA. Because it’s like I realized that the dream I was holding onto of staying in LA was more about making other people happy. And truthfully, I don’t want to stay in LA any more than I need to anymore. I know it’s not best for me to stay.
Grieving by Leith Ross
“So I never will stop grieving everything that’s yet to die. I think I’ll love after I’m dead and I’ll grieve while I’m alive…”
Leith Ross’s album I Can See The Future really was this cozy, but profound album in early 2026 for me. I’ll have to talk about it before the end of the year. But this joyful tune about grieving dropped so much wisdom on me all at once that I had no choice but to steep in it slowly. Luke brought up this lyric to me recently and I realized that I really do grieve while I’m alive. It’s been really interesting to understanding how long I’ve been grieving, but it’s just life now I suppose.
Evolve by 5 Seconds of Summer
“Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hard to love me. ‘Round and around, an emotional junkie…”
As soon as January 2026 hit with its new year’s resolutions and words of the year, this song just rose up in my soul when I thought about Luke and I. It’s like I heard the challenge loud and clear: I needed to evolve, especially from the grieving mess I had felt like at the end of 2025. Throughout this year, this song has been my anthem. I’ll have to talk about this dang 5SOS album again by the end of the year I fear.
Pies Descalzos, Sueños Blancos by Shakira
“Y en la fiesta de quince es mejor no olvidar una fina champaña y bailar bien el vals…”
As I turned 30, I found myself remembering how my plan B (if I hadn’t fallen in love with London and Luke) was to throw a double quinceañera where I would perform this song. But that didn’t happen, I just listened to this song on repeat as I ventured through London envisioning what version of me exists on their other side of living full-time in London. It brings so much joy to my mind to realize that I’m gonna be a very unconventional wife/mother one day in London.
Love Me Different by Hayley Williams
“But nothing could compare to the potential greatest love of all time. The pleasure and the agony’s all mine…”
Also as I turned 30 in London and once again found myself crashing out about things that Luke couldn’t really understand, I realized that I still had a ways to go in growing to love myself and letting God love me better than Luke or I can. I felt alone in that feeling at first because I could hear the neglected middle kid in me scream “and I want somebody to love me different!”. But I remember it started to comfort me to realize a new (and necessary) process was being born in me. A new and different love than I’m used to is being forged and it’s transforming me and everyone around me. And it starts with letting myself receive love differently.
Different Kind of Love by Young the Giant
“Then I started building walls. I locked the doors, I screened your calls. I thought I was in control, but I was lost…”
Ok, this is the part of the year/blog post where I ‘fess up and say that we’ve found my album of the year here. Young the Giant’s album Victory Garden has been following me around the way the bridge in this song sneaks up on ya. Obviously, I’ll talk more about it at the end of the year. But what I’ll say right now is that this song was the first stone placed in the garden if you will. And the second verse was really telling about the way I had been living. The growth I’ve experienced since April 2023 is insane. But also, thank God for it.
GROWING PAINS! by Never Ending Fall
“I guess we’re living with the growing pains, baby…”
Perhaps the most annoying thing about the Saturn return, I’m finding, is that it’s actually a VERY long process. Yes, I am technically on the other side of it. But God, there is still such a long way to go. And I fear the road ahead is so much longer than my pre-frontal lobe developed self thought. Every situation these days is a choice: do I fall back on my old people pleaser ways or do I challenge myself to act from what is best for me? There is still so much that I’m working through and it’s gonna be a lifelong battle. But I’m hopeful that as far as I’ve come, I will be so much further along. So yeah, it’s a drag but I guess I’m living with the growing pains baby (and thank you NEF for this song).
Evergreen by Young the Giant
“Though, I try and I try, but they’ll never take my, never take my life. I’ll survive and I’ll be doing fine but I’m afraid of the change or if I still stay the same. And when I’m gone, hope the garden carries on…”
Victory garden 2k26 for real. I had to end the playlist with this song because it speaks to this bigger concept of my legacy and how I want to be remembered. Lowkey, I feel like the reason I became such a people pleaser was because I wanted to be remembered as a good person. But as I’ve unpacked my relationship to that and pride and a host of other flaws in my processing system, I’ve learned how much uprooting I’ve needed to do. Now, just because we’ve come to the end of the playlist, doesn’t mean I am done with that process. But ending this playlist/chapter of my life with this sentiment means that I am committing to keep doing the work. I just know more stuff to grow through will come up, especially as Luke and I plan our future together. But if anything, I just want to take this moment and understand how far I’ve come. Make an altar, if you will…if we’re talking biblically lol.
Anyway, another long playlist from me. But I did this so I could understand just how different October 2023 Kelly felt. And how different October 2026 Kelly feels. It’s night and day. Thanks for reading if you did. Talk again soon.
